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Facts about Women
~~~If a woman prepares dinner for you and there is no meat, don't ask if she forgot something in the oven.
~~~The reason why people get married is that it takes both a man and a woman to remember important things. Single people have to work too hard at this.
~~~Women remember things because of their emotional meaning; men remember things because they cost them money.
~~~Women's self-confidence is proportional to the amount of time per day spent in front of a mirror. A man looks at a mirror to check his fly
~~~When a man cooks for a woman, he feels proud. When a woman cooks for a man, she feels used. This is directly related to sex.
~~~For a woman, a relationship has four stages: infatuation, sex, dis-illusion, breakup. For a man, a relationship has two stages: sex, breakup.
~~~Women are better listeners than men. That's why men are always in trouble with women.
~~~Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
~~~Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
~~~Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
~~~Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
~~~Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
~~~Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
~~~Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
~~~Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
~~~Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
~~~Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
~~~Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
~~~Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
~~~Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
~~~Women think all beer is the same.
~~~Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertain- ment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
~~~If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. [not my friend Lesley's husband Brian, he brings winter coats to the sun - we have to sit on his case to close it!!!]
~~~Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
~~~Women are paid less than men, except for modeling.
~~~Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the bible"... hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
~~~Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
~~~Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
~~~The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
~~~Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
~~~Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
~~~A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
~~~Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
~~~Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
~~~PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)
~~~The first naked man a woman sees is "Ken," and expects all men to look the same dickless and dead!
~~~Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.
~~~Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
~~~"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
~~~Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
~~~All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.
~~~If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
~~~Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
~~~Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
~~~If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (Which gets them in more
trouble)
~~~Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
~~~Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
~~~Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise or Sean Connery to get to Gilbert Gottfried or Bruce Forsyth do you?
From the Redbook:
~~~Women and men are exactly the same, except when he has a cold.
~~~The difference between the sexes is that girls worry more than boys do.
~~~Men are less jealous than women. A woman knows she's jealous before there's anything to be jealous about. A man doesn't know he's jealous until after.
~~~Girls care more than boys about how they look. If a girl runs down a hill and falls into a mud puddle, she gets really mad. If a boy falls into a mud puddle, he just gets up and keeps running.
~~~The differences exist only in vocabulary. You never hear a woman called a female chauvinist sow.
~~~Women are more interested in people, men are more interested in things and idea. Women care more about feelings and relationships than men do, that's why women desperately need women friends. They can't share their innermost feelings with men - men don't get it.
Lady on a plane reading a book about sexual records. Man next to her asks "Is that interesting?" Lady replies, "Oh yes, did you know that American Indians have the longest penises and Polish men have the widest." Guy replies proffering his hand "Hi" Tonto Kawalski pleased to meet you"
by the way i have some for the men as well.
~~~If a woman prepares dinner for you and there is no meat, don't ask if she forgot something in the oven.
~~~The reason why people get married is that it takes both a man and a woman to remember important things. Single people have to work too hard at this.
~~~Women remember things because of their emotional meaning; men remember things because they cost them money.
~~~Women's self-confidence is proportional to the amount of time per day spent in front of a mirror. A man looks at a mirror to check his fly
~~~When a man cooks for a woman, he feels proud. When a woman cooks for a man, she feels used. This is directly related to sex.
~~~For a woman, a relationship has four stages: infatuation, sex, dis-illusion, breakup. For a man, a relationship has two stages: sex, breakup.
~~~Women are better listeners than men. That's why men are always in trouble with women.
~~~Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
~~~Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
~~~Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
~~~Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
~~~Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
~~~Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
~~~Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
~~~Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
~~~Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
~~~Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
~~~Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
~~~Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
~~~Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
~~~Women think all beer is the same.
~~~Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertain- ment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
~~~If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. [not my friend Lesley's husband Brian, he brings winter coats to the sun - we have to sit on his case to close it!!!]
~~~Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
~~~Women are paid less than men, except for modeling.
~~~Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the bible"... hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
~~~Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
~~~Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
~~~The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
~~~Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
~~~Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
~~~A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
~~~Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
~~~Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
~~~PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)
~~~The first naked man a woman sees is "Ken," and expects all men to look the same dickless and dead!
~~~Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.
~~~Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
~~~"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
~~~Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
~~~All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.
~~~If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
~~~Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
~~~Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
~~~If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (Which gets them in more
trouble)
~~~Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
~~~Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
~~~Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise or Sean Connery to get to Gilbert Gottfried or Bruce Forsyth do you?
From the Redbook:
~~~Women and men are exactly the same, except when he has a cold.
~~~The difference between the sexes is that girls worry more than boys do.
~~~Men are less jealous than women. A woman knows she's jealous before there's anything to be jealous about. A man doesn't know he's jealous until after.
~~~Girls care more than boys about how they look. If a girl runs down a hill and falls into a mud puddle, she gets really mad. If a boy falls into a mud puddle, he just gets up and keeps running.
~~~The differences exist only in vocabulary. You never hear a woman called a female chauvinist sow.
~~~Women are more interested in people, men are more interested in things and idea. Women care more about feelings and relationships than men do, that's why women desperately need women friends. They can't share their innermost feelings with men - men don't get it.
Lady on a plane reading a book about sexual records. Man next to her asks "Is that interesting?" Lady replies, "Oh yes, did you know that American Indians have the longest penises and Polish men have the widest." Guy replies proffering his hand "Hi" Tonto Kawalski pleased to meet you"
by the way i have some for the men as well.
