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JollyRogers
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Paintshop Simmons!!
Listen up, I don't want to hear any shit about me doing this review. I know how easy it is to make fun of Richard Simmons, and I know that it's a cheap-ass way to pump out a quick update for my site, but goddamnit, it's his birthmonth. You heard me right. His birthmonth. The following comes directly from Richard's website: "And, don't forget it's my birthday month. Most people have a birth DAY, I have a birth MONTH. I celebrate all month long and so should you." If you can read that and not want to drink bleach, then you can make fun of me all you want. You are clearly the better human.
Now, for those of you who can tolerate choking on your own bile, you can check out Richard's site by clicking here. For the rest of us, I suggest simulating the Richard Simmons website experience rather than visiting it, as it is the difference between playing with a ouija board and actually praying to Satan. To accurately reproduce the same reaction one would have while visiting the site, you simply need to watch gay porn with your father while listening to a heated, nasally arguement between Victoria Jackson and Rosanne Barr. Now, envision your father in the porno and masturbate to it with an S.O.S. pad. You have now felt what I did the first time I saw this site. On to other things.
Did you know that it is next to impossible to find pictures of Richard Simmons on the internet? I'm sitting in my shop while writing this, and the co-owner (who thought I was working on something related to our new business) was sitting about ten feet away from me, trying to fix a broken-down Packard-Bell computer. About every two minutes, I would get frustrated over the lack of photos and yell "DAMN!" Larry would pause for a second and glance over to see what the problem was, and then turn back to his task of fixing that worthless piece of crap. Two minutes would go by as I combed another Richard site with no luck, and I would scream it again, "DAMN!" On about the twentieth damn, the exchange went something like this:
"DAMN!"
"What's wrong? Computer giving you trouble?"
"There's not a single fucking picture of Richard Simmons anywhere on the internet. It's like he doesn't even exist."
A long pause followed as he tried to comprehend why, exactly, I was looking for pictures of Richard Simmons. . . let alone why I was getting mad at of the lack of them. At that moment, I couldn't remember ever feeling more ashamed of myself in my 26 years of existence. Larry offered only one word of advice:
"Have you tried any gay sites?"
He was serious when he said that, too. I knew that he was because I saw the look on his face change from "trying to be helpful" to "did I just say that out loud?" He then went to lunch. It's been over two hours and he hasn't been back since. I don't think he's ever coming back again. At any rate, the closest thing I found to a picture of Richard Simmons is what you see below. I got these off of his own site, which also features not a single photo of him. As for the review of his site, fuck that. If you want to review it, you go do it. I spent just over four minutes in that freakshow, and now I only get an erection when I watch gymnastics.
"OK this guy had a hard time finding pictures and so have I, I wanted to have some paintshop fun, can ANYONE find a picture of this freak?"
Listen up, I don't want to hear any shit about me doing this review. I know how easy it is to make fun of Richard Simmons, and I know that it's a cheap-ass way to pump out a quick update for my site, but goddamnit, it's his birthmonth. You heard me right. His birthmonth. The following comes directly from Richard's website: "And, don't forget it's my birthday month. Most people have a birth DAY, I have a birth MONTH. I celebrate all month long and so should you." If you can read that and not want to drink bleach, then you can make fun of me all you want. You are clearly the better human.
Now, for those of you who can tolerate choking on your own bile, you can check out Richard's site by clicking here. For the rest of us, I suggest simulating the Richard Simmons website experience rather than visiting it, as it is the difference between playing with a ouija board and actually praying to Satan. To accurately reproduce the same reaction one would have while visiting the site, you simply need to watch gay porn with your father while listening to a heated, nasally arguement between Victoria Jackson and Rosanne Barr. Now, envision your father in the porno and masturbate to it with an S.O.S. pad. You have now felt what I did the first time I saw this site. On to other things.
Did you know that it is next to impossible to find pictures of Richard Simmons on the internet? I'm sitting in my shop while writing this, and the co-owner (who thought I was working on something related to our new business) was sitting about ten feet away from me, trying to fix a broken-down Packard-Bell computer. About every two minutes, I would get frustrated over the lack of photos and yell "DAMN!" Larry would pause for a second and glance over to see what the problem was, and then turn back to his task of fixing that worthless piece of crap. Two minutes would go by as I combed another Richard site with no luck, and I would scream it again, "DAMN!" On about the twentieth damn, the exchange went something like this:
"DAMN!"
"What's wrong? Computer giving you trouble?"
"There's not a single fucking picture of Richard Simmons anywhere on the internet. It's like he doesn't even exist."
A long pause followed as he tried to comprehend why, exactly, I was looking for pictures of Richard Simmons. . . let alone why I was getting mad at of the lack of them. At that moment, I couldn't remember ever feeling more ashamed of myself in my 26 years of existence. Larry offered only one word of advice:
"Have you tried any gay sites?"
He was serious when he said that, too. I knew that he was because I saw the look on his face change from "trying to be helpful" to "did I just say that out loud?" He then went to lunch. It's been over two hours and he hasn't been back since. I don't think he's ever coming back again. At any rate, the closest thing I found to a picture of Richard Simmons is what you see below. I got these off of his own site, which also features not a single photo of him. As for the review of his site, fuck that. If you want to review it, you go do it. I spent just over four minutes in that freakshow, and now I only get an erection when I watch gymnastics.
"OK this guy had a hard time finding pictures and so have I, I wanted to have some paintshop fun, can ANYONE find a picture of this freak?"
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