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ECupRamTits
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General Tommy Franks has today formally announced that he will have complete control of all US land, ground and sea forces, "within a matter of weeks, and possibly sooner than that."
General Franks went on to confirm that the first part of the operation - codenamed "Stuff Rumsfeld" - was almost complete. General Franks explained that Mr Rumsfeld had agreed to hand over control of a large part of the military but only in return for capitulating to some of his demands. These include Franks awarding him several honorary medals for services to the chemical weapons industry, giving him his own uniform complete with "nine shoulder pips" and providing a DVD copy of the director's cut of "Black Hawk Down." It is expected that Mr Rumsfeld will still retain responsibility for the overall military strategy - codenamed "Get A Fucking Move On, There's An Election Coming You Dolts" - and will accept full responsibility for any military successes. General Franks will be delegated with the day-to-day running of operations and be primary spokesman for any military defeats or US casualties.
General Franks then explained that he was implementing the second phase of the operation - codenamed "Stop Shooting The Good Guys You Trigger-Happy Dolts". As part of this phase General Franks confirmed that currently he had almost total control of "significant parts" of the 102nd airbourne division although at the current rate of attrition it would be several more days before all American marines could be brought safely under US military command. He continued that, "we fully expect all members of the US Army to immediately desist from unscheduled operations, the indiscriminate spraying with bullets of unarmed Iraqi children and the use of our allies aircraft for target practice." General Franks conceded that US Special Forces would be exempt from the orders as "we haven't got the faintest idea where they are or what they're doing. Does anyone have a map?" The US has also appealed to the UK air force to "change its logo to one that looks less like a target, for chrissake"
Further investigation by the Brains Trust has revealed that the operation will be supported by the use of a US army re-conditioning training camp in Qatar where recalcitrant Marines will be re-educated to be loyal to their commanders. Several grainy satellite pictures show hundreds of men sitting at desks while an instructor displays a large dummy of a moustachioed RAF officer circa 1943 with a large arrow pointing at it emblazoned with the words, "British, on side, Do Not Shoot Violently Through The Head You Dolting Dolts". A further photo shows life-size papier-mâché models of Iraqi children holding a large sign saying "Lovely, lovely children, do not bomb with enormous fucking missiles, PLEASE".
However, early reports from the camp appear to show that the re-training is making slow progress with most Marines struggling to identify the difference between a Nissan Micra and a large tank and shooting a bazooka at both of them - "just to be on the safe side".
General Franks went on to confirm that the first part of the operation - codenamed "Stuff Rumsfeld" - was almost complete. General Franks explained that Mr Rumsfeld had agreed to hand over control of a large part of the military but only in return for capitulating to some of his demands. These include Franks awarding him several honorary medals for services to the chemical weapons industry, giving him his own uniform complete with "nine shoulder pips" and providing a DVD copy of the director's cut of "Black Hawk Down." It is expected that Mr Rumsfeld will still retain responsibility for the overall military strategy - codenamed "Get A Fucking Move On, There's An Election Coming You Dolts" - and will accept full responsibility for any military successes. General Franks will be delegated with the day-to-day running of operations and be primary spokesman for any military defeats or US casualties.
General Franks then explained that he was implementing the second phase of the operation - codenamed "Stop Shooting The Good Guys You Trigger-Happy Dolts". As part of this phase General Franks confirmed that currently he had almost total control of "significant parts" of the 102nd airbourne division although at the current rate of attrition it would be several more days before all American marines could be brought safely under US military command. He continued that, "we fully expect all members of the US Army to immediately desist from unscheduled operations, the indiscriminate spraying with bullets of unarmed Iraqi children and the use of our allies aircraft for target practice." General Franks conceded that US Special Forces would be exempt from the orders as "we haven't got the faintest idea where they are or what they're doing. Does anyone have a map?" The US has also appealed to the UK air force to "change its logo to one that looks less like a target, for chrissake"
Further investigation by the Brains Trust has revealed that the operation will be supported by the use of a US army re-conditioning training camp in Qatar where recalcitrant Marines will be re-educated to be loyal to their commanders. Several grainy satellite pictures show hundreds of men sitting at desks while an instructor displays a large dummy of a moustachioed RAF officer circa 1943 with a large arrow pointing at it emblazoned with the words, "British, on side, Do Not Shoot Violently Through The Head You Dolting Dolts". A further photo shows life-size papier-mâché models of Iraqi children holding a large sign saying "Lovely, lovely children, do not bomb with enormous fucking missiles, PLEASE".
However, early reports from the camp appear to show that the re-training is making slow progress with most Marines struggling to identify the difference between a Nissan Micra and a large tank and shooting a bazooka at both of them - "just to be on the safe side".
....black humour but funny
