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The Shadow
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Okay, let's face it: finding a suitable partner is not one of the God-given instincts that men possess. It takes a tremendous amount of time, patience and money before your suave moves and debonair smile begin to reap rewards.
But for those of you who are tired of disappointments, there is a fast and relatively cheap way to find out if the one you're with is worth the dozen roses and the fancy chocolates. Simply take her to a restaurant on your first date and use these six easy tests. By the time the check arrives, you'll be thanking me, no matter what the outcome.
TEST #1: Does she suffer from the "Material Girl" Syndrome?
Deciding where to eat is often the best way to figure out if your woman is down-to-earth or just a spoiled princess who expects men to fan her while she sips expensive champagne in bed.
First, make sure choosing a restaurant is a mutual decision. If she disagrees with all of your ideas and insists on going to her favorite (expensive) spots, then don't expect to hit the jackpot when you actually start "getting to know her." The fact that she is not open to suggestions is a red flag.
TEST #2: Can she pass the "flip-the-plate-over" routine?
If she has managed to elude the "Material Girl" trap in Test 1, there's still time to catch her before you order a $200 bottle of wine. (Note: While this test requires a fancy restaurant, you end up scoring points in the end - once she has passed, that is). As soon as you are seated, watch her eyes closely and keep one hand on your mental "panic" button.
Men like to imagine that their dates will keep their eyes on them all night, but that is not going to happen. Instead, watch how she looks at the dinnerware. If she begins searching for the gold trim around the edges of the fork, you're in trouble. If she actually picks up the plate, turns it over and expresses disappointment because it's not an expensive brand, push that panic button as hard as you can.
While you are just better off continuing the date at that point, kindly remind her that it wouldn't be feasible for most restaurants to carry Royal Doulton since plates often break on a weekly basis. Then make some disparaging remark about her in your head and look for the boxed wine.
Needless to say, this test also applies if she checks to see if the glasses are made of the finest Austrian crystal. If she starts flicking the life out of it, hoping to hear that "kling" sound, you've got a prima donna on your hands.
TEST 3: Thirsty?
Hopefully by now, you've established that she doesn't have her nose pointed straight up. But you must still make sure that she isn't a little too much like "one of the guys" either. Being very feminine doesn't make a girl snobby. Keep that in mind when ordering drinks.
Although one's interpretation of "ideal" is subjective and can vary greatly, check to see what she orders anyway. Most men would like their women to be at least somewhat outgoing, so you may not want a chick that sips water all night long. This is still a first date, so if you're not going to be a little adventurous now, when the hell are you going to start?
If you start with actual cocktails -- and I pray you do -- there's even more room for analysis. Martinis, sangria or champagne suggest the woman is a perfect blend of expressiveness and sophistication. She likes to be crazy, but knows when it's time to be a lady.
Beer is… okay, but must be drunk out of a glass. If those pretty lips of hers touch the rim of that bottle, in a half-decent restaurant no less, then she may be too much of a pretzel-eating, football-watching bum that lacks finesse. Which is fine, really, but how many couch potatoes do we need in a relationship?
TEST 4: The Art of Conversation
While waiting for your appetizers, try to engage her in a stimulating conversation. Here you would take notes on not only what is said, but also how it is expressed. Does she make eye contact when speaking to you? Does she offer feedback of any kind to what you say? Is she constantly glancing at her watch or answering her cell phone? Does she show an interest in your life or is it all about her? And for goodness sake, does the girl know how to laugh at a joke?
What you would establish during the in-between-courses discussions is how much of you she is willing to take in. With no food in front of you to look at or enjoy, it's just the two of you staring each other in the face. Thus, it's a perfect way to find out just how sincere and/or self-involved she may or may not be.
In short, if she abuses first person pronouns when speaking -- that's "me," "myself" and "I" for all the grammatically-challenged -- you might as well be flirting with the hot waitress. It won't make a bloody difference in the end.
TEST 5: The Main Dish
Ah, the granddaddy of them all.
Women, I am convinced, treat their food the way they treat men. Think about it. If she can make the biggest fuss in the world over the temperature of her rice or the type of oil used for her food, wouldn't that mean that she'd be overly demanding of you? Picky with food, picky with men (although following all my steps might make you a hypocrite on this matter, it'll be our little secret).
Another crucial element to this dinner date, assuming she is served first, is whether or not she waits for you to get your dish before eating. Aside from reflecting poor table manners, her actions speak volumes when it comes to the little respect she has for you.
Also take into account the more minute details. Does she chew with her mouth open? Do chunks of food come hurling at you when she speaks? Does she inhale her food (we don't need women with appetites twice as big as ours)? Does she invade your personal space by assuming your food is hers to pick at? Does she think that dessert is the antichrist? The latter would just make her a bore, regardless of how well she takes care of her body. Live a little!
TEST 6: The Grand Finale
If it has been smooth sailing up to the chocolate soufflé, you may still want to wait an extra five minutes before thinking about that second date, for the most daunting challenge of the night is imminent: the check.
Let's keep this short and sweet: did she or did she not offer to pay the bill? Do not confuse this with actually paying the bill (which is what gentlemen do). I'm just interested in knowing if she showed any interest in paying all, or part, of the amount.
In a time when equality among the sexes is the norm, do not, under any circumstances, let her just sit there with her arms folded and assume that you "got it covered." The '50s are long gone, and as men, we do not take care of the bill because we have to, we do it because we want to.
If she wants to establish the fact that she's selfish and rude, then let her. Just warn her that she'll be munching on breadsticks for the rest of your little courtship. Chivalry is a two-way street in my neighborhood.
she's a keeper
Alas, you've now completed what was sure to be a memorable and rewarding dining experience. What happens after you leave the restaurant is really in your hands, but hopefully you were able to learn in two hours what would have normally taken two weeks.
Remember, though, to be on your best behavior, as she may be conducting tests herself, and you don't want to be the one who gets the failing grade!
But for those of you who are tired of disappointments, there is a fast and relatively cheap way to find out if the one you're with is worth the dozen roses and the fancy chocolates. Simply take her to a restaurant on your first date and use these six easy tests. By the time the check arrives, you'll be thanking me, no matter what the outcome.
TEST #1: Does she suffer from the "Material Girl" Syndrome?
Deciding where to eat is often the best way to figure out if your woman is down-to-earth or just a spoiled princess who expects men to fan her while she sips expensive champagne in bed.
First, make sure choosing a restaurant is a mutual decision. If she disagrees with all of your ideas and insists on going to her favorite (expensive) spots, then don't expect to hit the jackpot when you actually start "getting to know her." The fact that she is not open to suggestions is a red flag.
TEST #2: Can she pass the "flip-the-plate-over" routine?
If she has managed to elude the "Material Girl" trap in Test 1, there's still time to catch her before you order a $200 bottle of wine. (Note: While this test requires a fancy restaurant, you end up scoring points in the end - once she has passed, that is). As soon as you are seated, watch her eyes closely and keep one hand on your mental "panic" button.
Men like to imagine that their dates will keep their eyes on them all night, but that is not going to happen. Instead, watch how she looks at the dinnerware. If she begins searching for the gold trim around the edges of the fork, you're in trouble. If she actually picks up the plate, turns it over and expresses disappointment because it's not an expensive brand, push that panic button as hard as you can.
While you are just better off continuing the date at that point, kindly remind her that it wouldn't be feasible for most restaurants to carry Royal Doulton since plates often break on a weekly basis. Then make some disparaging remark about her in your head and look for the boxed wine.
Needless to say, this test also applies if she checks to see if the glasses are made of the finest Austrian crystal. If she starts flicking the life out of it, hoping to hear that "kling" sound, you've got a prima donna on your hands.
TEST 3: Thirsty?
Hopefully by now, you've established that she doesn't have her nose pointed straight up. But you must still make sure that she isn't a little too much like "one of the guys" either. Being very feminine doesn't make a girl snobby. Keep that in mind when ordering drinks.
Although one's interpretation of "ideal" is subjective and can vary greatly, check to see what she orders anyway. Most men would like their women to be at least somewhat outgoing, so you may not want a chick that sips water all night long. This is still a first date, so if you're not going to be a little adventurous now, when the hell are you going to start?
If you start with actual cocktails -- and I pray you do -- there's even more room for analysis. Martinis, sangria or champagne suggest the woman is a perfect blend of expressiveness and sophistication. She likes to be crazy, but knows when it's time to be a lady.
Beer is… okay, but must be drunk out of a glass. If those pretty lips of hers touch the rim of that bottle, in a half-decent restaurant no less, then she may be too much of a pretzel-eating, football-watching bum that lacks finesse. Which is fine, really, but how many couch potatoes do we need in a relationship?
TEST 4: The Art of Conversation
While waiting for your appetizers, try to engage her in a stimulating conversation. Here you would take notes on not only what is said, but also how it is expressed. Does she make eye contact when speaking to you? Does she offer feedback of any kind to what you say? Is she constantly glancing at her watch or answering her cell phone? Does she show an interest in your life or is it all about her? And for goodness sake, does the girl know how to laugh at a joke?
What you would establish during the in-between-courses discussions is how much of you she is willing to take in. With no food in front of you to look at or enjoy, it's just the two of you staring each other in the face. Thus, it's a perfect way to find out just how sincere and/or self-involved she may or may not be.
In short, if she abuses first person pronouns when speaking -- that's "me," "myself" and "I" for all the grammatically-challenged -- you might as well be flirting with the hot waitress. It won't make a bloody difference in the end.
TEST 5: The Main Dish
Ah, the granddaddy of them all.
Women, I am convinced, treat their food the way they treat men. Think about it. If she can make the biggest fuss in the world over the temperature of her rice or the type of oil used for her food, wouldn't that mean that she'd be overly demanding of you? Picky with food, picky with men (although following all my steps might make you a hypocrite on this matter, it'll be our little secret).
Another crucial element to this dinner date, assuming she is served first, is whether or not she waits for you to get your dish before eating. Aside from reflecting poor table manners, her actions speak volumes when it comes to the little respect she has for you.
Also take into account the more minute details. Does she chew with her mouth open? Do chunks of food come hurling at you when she speaks? Does she inhale her food (we don't need women with appetites twice as big as ours)? Does she invade your personal space by assuming your food is hers to pick at? Does she think that dessert is the antichrist? The latter would just make her a bore, regardless of how well she takes care of her body. Live a little!
TEST 6: The Grand Finale
If it has been smooth sailing up to the chocolate soufflé, you may still want to wait an extra five minutes before thinking about that second date, for the most daunting challenge of the night is imminent: the check.
Let's keep this short and sweet: did she or did she not offer to pay the bill? Do not confuse this with actually paying the bill (which is what gentlemen do). I'm just interested in knowing if she showed any interest in paying all, or part, of the amount.
In a time when equality among the sexes is the norm, do not, under any circumstances, let her just sit there with her arms folded and assume that you "got it covered." The '50s are long gone, and as men, we do not take care of the bill because we have to, we do it because we want to.
If she wants to establish the fact that she's selfish and rude, then let her. Just warn her that she'll be munching on breadsticks for the rest of your little courtship. Chivalry is a two-way street in my neighborhood.
she's a keeper
Alas, you've now completed what was sure to be a memorable and rewarding dining experience. What happens after you leave the restaurant is really in your hands, but hopefully you were able to learn in two hours what would have normally taken two weeks.
Remember, though, to be on your best behavior, as she may be conducting tests herself, and you don't want to be the one who gets the failing grade!
