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I need some SERIOUS relationship advice

M

MrDbol

Banned
I had been dating this girl for the past 8 months. About a month ago we broke up. She was hard working, smart, and very beautiful, with a heavenly personality.

We were very close. I introduced her to my parents and my whole extended family. My mother and father loved her like they loved me. She was coming over for dinner once a week with my family. It was a classical relationship. Everything seemed perfect. I never cheated on her. I called her everyday. Never went out without her, etc.

What happened was I was spying on her, and I found out that she was going to this party without me. I asked her in advance if she was going to that party and she kept saying no, no, no. I must have asked her about 20 times, because I knew that she was going. The night of the party I called her to ask her to go to the party, and she said that she had to study for finals. I put the pressure on her, and I told her that she was already on the highway (don't ask my how I knew that), and she confessed. And she said that she wanted to take some time off. I told her no way. You take some time off and we end the relationship. That's when she said that she wants to break up.

I told her that she broke my heart and I hung up. Two weeks later I called her and had this big conversation over the phone, and she still refused to get back together.

These were the issues:

1.) I didn't have a job and she thought that I wasn't taking on enough responsibilities.

I told her that I go to college, and I don't have time for a job. I didn't tell her that my parents give me $30,000 every year for expenses. I never asked her to pay, but she ALWAYS offered to pay when we went out. We go into a few fights over that.

2.) She thought that I was too ambitious

I didn't even want to elaborate on that topic. I told her my plans for the future in the beginning of the relationship. But I decided not to talk about it as time went on.

I really love this girl. It's been a month now and I have dreams about her every night that we are back together. I know she has been with a few guys on a few dates since we broke up. I have also had a few sexual encounters, but I still love her. I was planning to marry her as soon as I graduate next year. But I never told her that.

I want to get back with her. But I don't know how to approach her without looking like a desperate fool. I know she is the one for me, and that she is the one I love and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Help me out. I've dated about half a dozen girls since we broke up, and I still can't get my mind off of her. I want her, and her only.

Karma for you all!
 
Um...why date other women when you're not over the one you "love?" I never understood that.

It's been a month? I'm sorry, I might have missed it, but when was the last time you two talked?

Bottom line, give her a call...meet for lunch or coffee. If you want her, ya gotta tell her so. I'm a romantic...go get her...show your true feelings.

p.s. $30, 000 for spending/year? Do you go to Columbia or Fordham? Parents have some kinda cash...damn..From the Hamptons or something?
 
What bothers me the most is that I didn't talk to her in person since we broke up. I am a much better conversationalist in person rather than over the phone.
 
And if I do go with her for coffee, I would be devastated if she tells me that she is seeing somebody already. If. if. if.

I want to kill myself.
 
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MAN!!!!

Listen, then you know what to do...call her first. Strike up a conversation, write her an email, hide behind your computer screen, whatever.

The more time you waste, the harder it's going to be. Once that communication blanket is placed, then go for coffee.

Just do something....time slips by too quickly:)
 
W A I T!!!! weren't you just drooling over Miss Universe??? like wanting to hook up with her...I'm confused:confused:
 
Torchy,

It would've been nice to go out with my next door neighbor. But I love someone else. Plus, Oksana is too old for me. I don't like older women. :)
 
dude, i hate to break it to ya.... its been well over a year for me and the one that was "perfect" for me hasnt called back and has moved on...

sorry dude, she isnt that perfect if you guys broke up.
 
Sooo...
1) She decided to break up
2) She does not wanna get back together

Well, I guess its pretty clear. I know it is easy to talk and shit but I kinda know what are you going thru, 'cuz i experienced very much the same situation. And i came to realise that there, perhaps, more than 1 perfect person for you(rare and far in between). Took me about 2 years to recover, but hey I am very happy in my present relationship.

So fuck it...just move on. Eventually you will find your perfect one. And do youself a favor, go and hook up with someone else. It will help to get over ur ex and will boost ur selfesteem a bit.
 
just my opinion, but another reason she probably broke up with you is because you were checking up on her and asking her the same things over and over and over. you were acting a little like an obsessed nut (no offense, who here hasn't done this from time to time, myself included) i would talk to her, admit the mistake i made and ask for another chance. you have to remember, everybody needs space and time alone. and the only person's actions you can control are your own.

good luck
 
TEXgrl said:
just my opinion, but another reason she probably broke up with you is because you were checking up on her and asking her the same things over and over and over. you were acting a little like an obsessed nut (no offense, who here hasn't done this from time to time, myself included) i would talk to her, admit the mistake i made and ask for another chance. you have to remember, everybody needs space and time alone. and the only person's actions you can control are your own.

good luck
Click to expand...

What TEXgrl said......
 
I'm not sure of how relationships go in your country but here in Mexico its the guy that pays.... of course sometimes the girl can cooperate but not always pay... so if you think this works... then try inviting her and even if she insists to pay don't let her, because one time may be fine but every time turns out to be really annoying... that's how I view it.
 
Forget about her bro, you did the best thing when you left her after she said she wanted "time off", what the fuck is time off? Sure you got on her case about going to that party, but the bottom line is she broke trust with you when she lied about going. Time will make you feel better but right now you have to have the strength of conviction to know you made the right choice by leaving her. Your gut told you to do it and now you are upset about it, but it will be ok in time. Trust me.
 
how old are you two? if you both are young, like early twenties, it might have been too much for her to be together all the time, everybody needs some personal space. confine someone and they feel restricted. both men and women can be that way, its human nature. tell her you'll acknowledge that you realize this. it sounds wierd, like thats asking for her to cheat, but it will just mean that you trust her. it sounded like the reason she didn't want to tell you about the party was because she knew that you really liked her but she was trying to have some freedom. it sucks i know, but give her some space and tell her you trust her, and if she messes up, move on.
 
Quit your spying...it is only going to make you feel worse. Obviously, this woman is already over you...she has made up her mind...and you spying on her isn't going to make you feel any better.
 
You are absolutely right. My last bit of intelligence informed me that she is seeing some Greek guy right now who has a drinking problem. I feel sorry for her that she doesn't see the light!
 
TEXgrl said:
just my opinion, but another reason she probably broke up with you is because you were checking up on her and asking her the same things over and over and over. you were acting a little like an obsessed nut (no offense, who here hasn't done this from time to time, myself included) i would talk to her, admit the mistake i made and ask for another chance. you have to remember, everybody needs space and time alone. and the only person's actions you can control are your own.

good luck
Click to expand...

If you were my gf or wife, I would never left you out of the house. Mine mine, all mine. Don't anybody look or touch. :D
 
Best thing to do is avoid her and let her see you out in public having a GREAT time. Chill with your friends, go to the clubs, etc. Just make sure that she sees that your handling the situation fine and could never be better. If she doesn't come crawling back to a more-confident you then it was never meant to be. If your hurting that bad, you can always go find a slut. ;)
 
I have sluts up the wazoo. But I am paranoid lately, I don't want to catch a disease. And bluntly put, I am still fucking like there's no tomorrow.

I am looking for a long term relationship to save me. And this girl was just perfect.
 
What is wrong with ambition? That is one of the things that is a criteria for a potential boyfriend for me. If he has no ambition or he is happy "just getting by" for the rest of his life, forget it. I want nothing to do with him.

She should be happy you are trying to get an education to have a good career, if she can't appreciate that she isn't worth your heart ache.

I hate to say this, but I think you need to try and move on, get on with your life, there is always someone else around the corner for you. Someone who may be even better then her.

You are a good person, remember that.
 
I just broke off a 7 month relationship myself, and I'm going on 3-4 months now. We were going to get married but we realized that we weren't compatible. We both loved each other. Her parents liked me a lot and everything was perfect.
Except our relationship.
I realized over time that there were things I needed to fix about myself. And I also realized that she was incapable of handling adversity in a relationship. She was non-confrontational so things were never discussed in the open till she let it build up until she gets an emotional breakdown and dumps on me...not healthy. We didn't know what to do. SO I had to make a decision.
It's even HARDER when you BOTH love each other and still know it won't work.

Honestly, you have to forget about her and this is why...

You need to establish yourself as a completely self-sufficient person. Emotionally and physically. This is what she is alluding to when she says that you need to take on more responsibilities. You probably smothered her. Remember, loving someone does not mean you have ownership of her. Loving her and having intense emotions for her will not change reality or her feelings. Let her be herself. Remember this. If she is not ready for a serious relationship, which seems like she is not, then you have to let her BE that way. That is true love.
You have no control. Period.

One thing you have to ask yourself is 'is she fit for marriage?'.
Put your feelings aside and think about this seriously for a second. If you are serious enough to make a life-long commitment with someone you have to make shure things are in place.

It's like buying a used car. When buying a used car you can't go by looks alone.

1)How does the car run?
Does she seem to be self-sufficient? How does she handle herself in social situations? Does she seem needy?

2)Do you like the body syle?
I don't think I need to explain this one :)

3)is the sticker price in your range?
I don't think I need to explain this either :)

4)check the engine to see if there are bad parts like a leaky hose.
Much like leaky hoses, emotional issues don't come out in a relationship till much later and when you go through some pressure situations. How does she handle herself in those crisis situations? You don't want someone who will jet because you made a forgivable mistake. You have to be really sensitive to these signs. and believe me there are signs.

5)Check the mileage.
If she boyfriend jumps from month to month then that should tell you something. She probably isn't ready for long term or some thing bad like co-dependency.

6)Who is the dealership that sells the car?
You can tell alot about a person from her parents and their relationship at home.

7)Has the car been in major wrecks? If so, was the repair job good? Or can you tell that it still has problems.
This is much like no.4. You gotta look out for this. Emotional health is absolutely crucial. You can't marry to rescue someone and you can't marry to have a need met. She has to be emotionally self-sufficent. THat is when she can share the abundance of her life with you. Marriage is a partnership.

8)Don't make a commitment until you test drive the car.
Take it slow. 7 months and you're talking marriage. might be a bit too soon. apparently so. see how you guys do in time.

If you go through these steps with her in mind and she doesn't fit at least these 8 , I would seriously reconsider.

I personally think she doesn't based on your posts. She's not as golden as you think.

You can't let your emotions get the better of you. Be a man. Lead by example. Have fun, go out with your friends. Be yourself again. There is a lot more to experience after college. It's a lot of fun so you don't want to make any mistakes now to ruin it.

I personally don't believe in just one right person. The emotional fog may be thick, but you will see through it. believe me.
 
rotovibe,

Thanks for the solid advice. Karma your way. The sad thing is she fits all 8 points perfectly. That is why I am so hesitant to let her go. :(

She is hot. Low maintenance. I took her virginity, she had 0 miles except the ones I put on her. She is my age (21). She works 54 hours a week. She goes to college full time. She lives by herself, she is independent. She bought her own car. She is down to earth. She has a good relationship with her parents. Her parents don't have that much money.

She was upset that I get fed with a silver spoon. And we broke up the week before she had her finals, I guess it was all the pressure on her. I've been in 9 serious relationship before her, and I have to say that she was the best for me. She was truly wifey material.

I don't know if I should put the effort into getting her back. It will kill me if we get back together, and break up down the road. I don't know what I should do.

But I will take your advice on getting emotially and physically self-sufficient. I think that it will help. Thanks again for the solid advice.
 
Even with my high-tech spying
Click to expand...

I am looking for a long term relationship to save me. And this girl was just perfect.
Click to expand...


Uh-oh. This, my friend, is suddenly not looking good.

Listen to Mr. Rotovibe. He is dead on. You can never, never, never, never create a good life with someone because you NEED them in order to feel OK in some way.

No one is ever going to be there to "save" you. You need to do that for yourself. Tough shit, but them's the breaks.

How do I know?? Because the above quotes sound an AWFUL LOT like me once upon a time. (When I was thin and therefore, according to some people, perfect! Hah!!)

Run, don't walk, and get those books I PM'd you about. Another book that really helped me at a bad time in my life was "Obsessive Love," by Susan Forward. It makes you admit a lot of not so good things about yourself, but it's the only way we grow. Perhaps one consequence of all this was me becoming fat, but I'll tell you right now, I'd rather be fat and have a handle on my life as I do now than be thin and back THERE again. *shivers* I was one crazy bitch, and miserable, too.

Good luck.
 
ATrollFromTheFatBoard

that reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw...

"I may be fat, but you're ugly. and I can diet"

that's very profound :D

Being emotionally ugly is definitely not a plus for the ladies.

MrDbol,
Cheer up. You're at an important time in your life. I know this might sound funny from someone only 6 years older than you but life can be harsh out there. You need to make shure you can fend for yourself. Without your parents aide or whatever.

I think a growing time for me after college was being laid off for the first time. I'd never collected unemployment before and those few months were rough. Talk about a gut check...I didn't really work during college either except for summer work and it was a dose of reality.

The fun is just about to start for you. The only way it's going to be fun is if your able to stand on your feet.

A little more about women...
Women like men who are responsible. It makes them feel safety and confidence in your abilities. As capable as women are on their own, when it comes to relationships they want to feel like they can relax and be vulnerable to the world because they can depend on you to protect them from, whatever.

I'm not talking about Kevin Costner in the 'bodyguard' literally, but the theme of that movie was what?
Safety...security...not pompus, arrogant, machismo.

Security means a lot of things to women. Depends on their values. Women from the hamptons , as golden as they may be emotionally, probably want financial security as well. There's nothing wrong with that.
Women want emotional security. They are sensitive beings.

One thing that I do to see if I'm acting like a man is thinking about John Wayne in those old cowboy movies. I know this sounds stupid...but hear me out :)

Everytime I want to do something impulsive and uncontrolled in a relationship or ex-relationship I ask...

IF JOHN WAYNE DID THE SAME THING WOULD HE STILL LOOK COOL?

Would John Wayne look cool if the girl he loves leaves to the next town and he whines like a baby to her? Groveling at her feet, crying about how much he needs her in his life, completely unglued?

I wouldn't think he was cool... LOL. he'd look stupid...
Women, in turn, don't want a whiny baby...

Emotional control speaks security and confidence.
Ever wonder why some girls like Anthony Hopkins? He conveys the epitomy of self-discipline.

Look at adversity in the eye with a clint eastwood stare and say I'M A MAN. Discipline is very attractive to women.

I'm not saying to be an emotional rock, by all means you can be vulnerable too, but be a John Wayne when you need to be.

Security is key with women. Emotional, financial, physical etc...

Remember. This advice I'm giving you only applies to women who have arrived at a point in their life where they want someone and want a loving committment. If they just want to have fun then let them enjoy their life. They're not for you, yet...

If you love her let her go. That is the most profound thing you can do. That's what a man does.

Now get up and go rent a john wayne movie and see what I'm talking about...LOL

Please, ladies on this board...tell me if I got this all wrong :)

I know it hurts bro...I'm in the same boat. I think about her too. But what can you do? Life is too short to not move on and enjoy a promising future.

Because believe me. There will be other women just as special as her. I guarantee it :)

your brother in loves tragic war,
rotovibe

remember, what you do now as a single person will affect your future marriage relationship. Don't do anything that you would be ashamed of if your future wife finds out. I'm just saying be responsible. Because sometimes, 'I'm sorry' won't be enough.
 
Last edited:
Uh, well, I guess I kind of agree. Sort of.

But the main thing isn't that a guy "look cool." It's that he be a who can get real with himself about life and not feel he *has* to "look cool."

I do not go around looking for "security" from ANYONE. The whole point of life is that you have to be the source of your OWN security, and not go looking for other people to provide that for you. The person sharing your life is here to share your life, not to BE your life, or to do something for you that you just can't live without.

Case in point: When I was looking at ditching The Full Time Job and just doing relief work (see the hate your job thread), I worried incessantly that I would be unable to find enough work to pay the bills. I entertained, momentarily thank goodness, the fantasy that if I could just get my bf to share housekeeping, it would cut down the living expenses and we'd each (read: *I*) would have something to fall back on if something bad happened.

Then I realized that if I wanted to do this thing that overall would be good for my life, I had to go on and do it, and not wait until "somebody else did something that made me feel secure enough." If I want to feel secure, it is MY job to go out and do that, not rely on some dreamboat. I'm sure my bf appreciated that (because I *didn't* burden him with stuff I needed to solve for myself), and I did, too. Nobody wants to go through life feeling like their life, their happiness, or their livelihood depend on someone else, without whom their whole world will come crashing down.

If you are with a woman like this, ditch her. She is a dead weight around your neck. If you yourself are like this, you run a HUGE risk of being a dead weight around someone else's neck. Is that what you want to do to someone you supposedly love?

Other people aren't responsible for you. YOU are responsible for you.
 
well, I was referring to impulsive desires acted out through neurotic behaviour.
A humerous way to deal with that is the John Wayne method.
You're right, being cool isn't the point.
It definitely wasn't mine :)
"little missy..."
 
Well, at this point in time, no one could accurately call me "little" missy.

*points to screen name*

uh, no. guy is far from rich. We're both in debt. It's just his job looked a little more reliable than mine at the time.
 
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