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I just figured something out

chesty

chesty

Bodybuilding Competitor
Elite Moderator
I got a call from my second oldest daughter 2 weeks ago, but was too caught off gaurd to say more than who you trying to get a hold of. This after she said "Dad, its Sarah Rebecca" I have been kicking myself in the ass ever since. I haven't seen here in 11 years.

I called my ex and she didn't answer the phone. Then, 2 days later she called me and we talked for about 20 minutes. First time in 11 years I talked to her and we got along. Nothing specific. My mom and current ex wife, yeah I know weird. Any way they both keep telling me she still wants me and loves me, I keep telling them they are nuts. My 2nd ex and mom also say that I still love her and wish for before I got divorced from my her.

I laughed at them, but then I realized they were right. I do still love her, and that is why I have not been happy for the last 12 years, even to the point of wanting to die.

I tried to compensate with hating her (I couldn't, she always came back in my dreams) I took the most dangerous missions as a deputy I could, and in the military, I tried to get people to tell me I was stupid and so forth, some of you were really good too. That didn't work.

Now I realize that I made the biggest mistake of my life letting her go. All I had to do was say I love you. I was too stupid to say it and selfish.

Now I have the next 40 years to live with that mistake.

I don't know if I can make it. I won't kill myself, but I will volounter for the most dangerous missions I can in the Marines. I just don't have anything left inside, just an empty shell.
 
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Valentine's Day getting to you chesty?

Your mission..should you choose to accept it...is to infiltrate Pakistan via India. Once there, you will have to bathe in the Ganges river and eat a steady diet of Indian food thus sacrificing your muscle mass. You must hunt down the fuckers who kidnapped and killed Daniel Pearl.

Afterwards, you will be required to fly to North Korea where you will have to have sex with multiple 4 foot sexy radies..boom boom 24-7.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.
 
Chesty, you can't change the past, but you can do something about the future.

Pick up the phone and call her, man. Some people have children that they can't talk to, they don't know where they are or how they're doing. The situation with your wife might not work out the way you want, but you still have the chance to build a relationship with her and your daughter.
 
Pick up the phone, trooper.

Make amends and see if your dreams can come true.

What do you have to lose?
 
Remember: you control the future by your actions. I agree pick up the phone and call.

You're a Marine so I can't see you just giving in and "living" with it.
 
I did, she suggested that I write and tell my daughters, 3 of them, what I have been doing. So, I did. I will see what comes of that.

I know that she didn't want to marry the guy she did, but he was the sure thing. I suppose over the last 11 years she probably does love him. But funny how she told me about him on the phone, he's still around (strange not saying I am still married to mark or something like that) and that he was going to have to deal with me and the girls getting to know each other again.

funny how life is.

Yes, I will save daniel pearl, me no boom boom the koreans, they too short!

I want to go to Somolia and snipe hunt for a few months.

I did ask her if we could be friends again and apologized for getting mad at her in my last letter about a year ago. So we shall see.

Funny, all I ever wanted to do was kill that mother fucker that took her from me and now, a decade later, I really don't care anymore. The future is what scares me. Not what might happen, but what doesn't. Memories are something you cannot escape from.
 
Ok if i can be serious for a second you said you are going to get to know your daughters again.

that alone should be enough to bring joy back into your life.

Just my 2 cents
 
I hope so, but I can't help wondering if they are going to hate me and blame me or just not want to know me. She told me that they have been able to contact me if they wanted to for the last three years. My oldest is going to be 18 this year and my youngest is going to be 15.
 
I hope so. I asked if I could see her on her 18th birthday. She told me it was up to her. If I don't hear anything by next friday, I can pretty much assume that I have been written out of their life.
 
chesty said:
I hope so. I asked if I could see her on her 18th birthday. She told me it was up to her. If I don't hear anything by next friday, I can pretty much assume that I have been written out of their life.
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Good luck bro but no matter what dont give up because you will regret that more then anything.
 
not necessarily... you can't expect them to be totally warmed up to you right away.

the point is, she did call. that means good things... take it one step at a time.
 
Me too. I am so tired. I just want to go to sleep and live with my dreams.
 
Something else I realized. I make quite a bit of money, and have quite a bit of freedom. I have lots of material things and comforts. I would give all that up if I could take back that one mistake. None of those things matter.

I remember two times in my life when I saw the most beautiful woman. The first was on my wedding night when she walked down the isle. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

The other was on visitors day in boot camp. I hadn't seen her or any woman for 3 months. Someone said, who is that out there? I looked and saw her standing there. She was so beautiful, I was awe struck, and even shed a tear. The wind was slightly blowing, she was wearing a knee length skirt and a white blouse. Her red hair was down to about the middle of her back.

To this day I have not seen any woman as beautiful as her. I have seen many pretty ladies around the world, but none like her.

I know I am in the past, but it is a ghost that has haunted me for a very long time and I am tired and want to sleep.
 
I hope too. I hope she understands. Because if I do go on a tour overseas as I have volounteered for, I know in my gut that I will not be coming home... And I don't want to face that without having told her one more time I love her.
 
Chesty, hang in there. As much as it hurts you to not have your children with you, it is hurting them too, and they'll regret not having you in their lives.

When do you leave for the Marines again? I want to volunteer to go over there when I'm eligible. Combat Engineer is the MOS to be.

Did you ever get that cd? I mailed it a while ago.
 
Chesty - Seeing as I have a 5 year old daughter, and that her mom is probably getting banged by her newest boyfriend for the after dinner Valentine fuck presently, I can feel your pain my brother. My God how much my eyes have opened in the three years since we've been apart. When you went on to describe your wife, I thought of the same exact thing today. The first time I ever saw her. Just you like you, I can remember it perfectly. And, the moment I saw her, I realized that love at first sight was not a myth.

Somehow, I manged to catch her. Long story short, 5 months later she get's pregnant, once our baby was born, we all lived as a family for just under two years.

Come this time, my daughter is turning 2, I'm turning 22, and her mom is turning 20. Very young relationship obviously. I couldn't let go of the party life. I drank too much damn beer. Wanted to hang out with my friends all the time. You know, the usual bachelor shit. I felt to young to be confimed in a relationship, I had only slept with her. Damn, she had at least been with another guy. I was starting to become afraid of all the great things I was going to miss out on.

As I sit here on Valentine's night avoiding the degrading fuck of a nasty bar ho, 400 gallons of beer, 50 ounces of weed, 3 cycles, multiple girls consisting of various 3 somes, living with my college buddy, being 25 and able to go 'clubbin' all the the time, living the life I dreamt of when I was with. Well, I can tell you for certain one thing. I fucked up.

It seems not enough pussy to fill the ocean would captivate the love I feel for her. It doesn't matter how many pussies I bang. I meet a new girl, she's nobody to me. We don't have a family together. We haven't been through thick and thin together. We haven't promised our lives to each other. We have made committments, and dreams together. Starting back at square one seems pointless. The hell do I want with this new girl? I get to listen to spend some money over dinner listening to the new fuck of the month ramble on about shit I couldn't care less about.
All along, my daughter is most likely playing a game with her mom, and her mom's new boyfriend. Ah, isn't that cute. It pains my heart and it stings like salt on an open wound. Still, to this day, when I see her unexpectedtly, or when she calls and I realize it's her on the other line, my heart skips a beat. Everytime. I can feel it. I get a warm rush feeling swarm through my body.

We still talk quite a bit, and our good friends. Nobody can quite understand how it's possible. I do though. I love her. I'd do anything for her, and that's exactly what I do. At times we talk of what it'd be like to be together again. And, for the last 3 years that's exactly what I've wanted.

I wouldn't ever have a reason to juice, or if I was gonna find a little bar ho to fuck or go home to the KY another night. Because, driving home from work tonight, there's not one thing on this Earth that you could offer me over her waiting to cuddle, have our heart's rhythm beat in unison, just lying there, dazzling in each other's eyes, tear's stream our faces for time lost, pain caused, and finally, for finding serenity.

We never cheated on each other. We've always been able to get along. We still have Christmas' together, we still all go places together... we just don't live together, and aren't together. At the beginning of December, her and I went to a wedding, and we got into a deep conversation. I told her I'd been struggling lately when people questioned why you and I weren't together anymore. I told her, I really didn't have an answer for the question. I wanted her to write down the reason's that prevent us from being able to be together now, not the 21 year old drink beer and smash can's on your head every other night guy, but the man that sit's before you that would be first in line to jump off a building to save you, and who has made so many changes in the past 3 years... why!?!? I am yet to receive a letter.

Whew... a bit of a rant, but it scares me that your 11 years into the game and still have the same moral. I am always told time is the healer of all things. Well, I suppose time is infinite, thus our problems will in time, eventually be solved in one form or another.

Chesty, I would, without any hesitation do everything in your power to shed light to your daughter's of why you haven't been around, the pain it's caused you, let them know they aren't alone on that one... and although, it still hurts, tell them you can feel it the same. Their still very young. They certainly could use a good ol' macho man like you around to kick them in line, and you said you haven't seen them in 11 years. Well, book a flight and go shack up for a week in their town. Spend some quality time with them and let them get to know their father on the inside, so they can see the dad within him. I also saw your pictures when you were 18... you've been incredible, awesome achievement's in your physical symmetry, you've obviously matured in your way of thinking. Realize what's important, the mistakes you made. A man steps up to the plate, seizes the opportunity before him, and does what he feels is right. No matter the pain. Pain doesn't just exist on a battlefield. A broken heart, as you said, can make you wish for death. You have for 11 years, and plan on another 40. Well, that plan sucks, so it's time to use the only contigency plan available... and that is to get your family back.

I wish you the greatest of luck on your journey. Certainly won't be easy, but nothing as special as 2 daughter's and a beautiful wife ever is. Your 2nd oldest just called you... It's obviously not too late Chesty.
--
 
nordstrom said:



why would your sig say 'kayne is my bitch' if you are a man.
Click to expand...

lol... that's been on there for a while now and I just haven't changed it. Kayne and I sometimes flamefest each other, I defeat him easily and then cum on his girlfriend's face, thus, making him my bitch. I didn't mean to have it up this long though.

Here's a q for you though: why would I say Kayne is my bitch if I was a chic??? Wouldn't that make Kayne female?
--
 
Crazier said:


Here's a q for you though: why would I say Kayne is my bitch if I was a chic??? Wouldn't that make Kayne female?
--
Click to expand...


i don't know. it just seems sexual in nature.

i suck at gender identification. i think you are the 6th man i thought was a woman on this board.
 
chesty i feel for you man. your whole story seems like it would make a great book or movie. A soldier who is dead inside and attempts suicide missions just to hopefully die in one and end it all because of what hes going through with that whole situation of the ex. The soldier never happens to die tho, he always completes the missions, and in the end he gets the woman and kids back. :D
 
Now that seems a fitting end to the story. Ending where you started. I would accept that.

As for why I would volounteer for those kinds of missions, in one sense it is a death wish, on the other, I like them. I would rather die serving my country and have my daughters believe that I was a hero instead of a chicken shit who took the easy way out. Besides, I don't believe in suicide, it is too easy. I would rather suffer.

Yes, got the cd, and have been reading it. Thanks. If all goes well, I will be getting on board in another month.

Scout/Sniper is where it is at!
 
You are doing the right thing Chesty. Please keep your head up and stay on the path you are on now. I am sure that with your dedication that you will be able to look into their eyes and see the pride in their Father staring back at you.

Good Luck my friend!
 
Head up, eyes front. Although the ball is in her court as to whether or not she wants to meet and talk. I told any time she wants to come and see me, see how I live to help is her mind about the kids seeing me she can. I also told her she could call at anytime.

I think however, she may not. She is every bit as stubborn as I am. Guess that is why I like redheads.
 
It's simply because she (your daughter) doesn't understand how you feel. She has a different image of you in her mind, and it's up to you to change that image.
--
 
I do not even know what image my daughters have of me. I do know what image my ex has of me and I am not even close to the same person that I was 11 years ago. That is what I want her to know.
 
chesty said:
I do not even know what image my daughters have of me. I do know what image my ex has of me and I am not even close to the same person that I was 11 years ago. That is what I want her to know.
Click to expand...

Then with all respect, I question how you could put such an important issue all in the hands of an 18 and 15 year old? You can't just say a few words and 'put the ball in her court' after 11 years of not being there. The ball is, and always will be in your court.

If you're as genuine as you seem to be, and don't wear those coaching shorts :D a hug from their dad is a dream.
--
 
chesty said:
I do not even know what image my daughters have of me. I do know what image my ex has of me and I am not even close to the same person that I was 11 years ago. That is what I want her to know.
Click to expand...

Then with all respect, I question how you could put such an important issue all in the hands of an 18 and 15 year old? You can't just say a few words and 'put the ball in her court' after 11 years of not being there. The ball is, and always will be in your court.

If you're as genuine as you seem to be, and you don't wear those coaching shorts :D a hug from their dad is a dream.
--
 
chesty said:
Something else I realized. I make quite a bit of money, and have quite a bit of freedom. I have lots of material things and comforts. I would give all that up if I could take back that one mistake. None of those things matter.

I remember two times in my life when I saw the most beautiful woman. The first was on my wedding night when she walked down the isle. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

The other was on visitors day in boot camp. I hadn't seen her or any woman for 3 months. Someone said, who is that out there? I looked and saw her standing there. She was so beautiful, I was awe struck, and even shed a tear. The wind was slightly blowing, she was wearing a knee length skirt and a white blouse. Her red hair was down to about the middle of her back.

To this day I have not seen any woman as beautiful as her. I have seen many pretty ladies around the world, but none like her.

I know I am in the past, but it is a ghost that has haunted me for a very long time and I am tired and want to sleep.
Click to expand...

Im not even on clomid and i am tearing up!
no use in crying over spilled beans!
Be more open and everything will work out in the end. Good luck Bro. Semper Fi.
 
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chesty, i hope everything works out alright for you. As for you daughter, put it this way, what little girl would not want their daddy in their lives? She is reaching out to you and needs to know that you want to be in her life.

You don't say why you split from that woman 11 yrs ago, with the exception of mentioning something about how you wish you should have just told her that you loved her. If that is what happened, does she have any idea how you feel now? Those are some beautiful things you wrote back there, especially about how she was the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen.
 
If they don't call back, Call them back until they either give in and give you a second chance, or they tell you specifically more than once that they don't want to see you, and why.

Repeat,,, Make them tell you at least twice the above things either on the phone or in person...

Twice is the key...
 
Well, my ex left me during school and refused to come back. She kept saying not this weekend I got plans already, how about next weekend. And so it went south very quickly.

When my daughters were adopted it was done because they were using them as pawns to hold over me for money. So, I gave them the option to adopt as long as I could continue to see them. My ex promised me that I could, but as soon as the adoption was finished, they refused to allow me to see them as promised.

So, the way I see it the ball is in my ex's court, not mine. I have always sent letters and cards and not once did I ever get acknowledgement that they had reached them, so I never knew anything.

And so it went until I backed her into a corner a few weeks ago. So, I shall see how she responds (ex that is)

I have put nothing on them other than to meet them and let them tell me face to face to either get lost or be my dad. I have given my ex my address, phone number, email and more and not once has she acknowledged that they got their letters.
 
You girl called you cause she wants to talk to you. Maybe your ex or her husband held the letters.

Either way.. never give up.. well I know you won't!!
 
chesty said:


So, the way I see it the ball is in my ex's court, not mine. I have always sent letters and cards and not once did I ever get acknowledgement that they had reached them, so I never knew anything.

And so it went until I backed her into a corner a few weeks ago. So, I shall see how she responds (ex that is)

I have put nothing on them other than to meet them and let them tell me face to face to either get lost or be my dad. I have given my ex my address, phone number, email and more and not once has she acknowledged that they got their letters.
Click to expand...

It sounds like your ex may be a bit of a bitch bro. And this is something you can definately have some control over. It's just a different type of fighting you'll have to do for this one than your used too. Leaving your relationship to your ex, and her new husband has bad idea written all over it.
--
 
Well imagine a fiery redhead with the attitude of a Marine! You get the idea?
 
I may only be a brunette with the attitude of a pitbull hehehheee but I don't think that makes me ANY LESS STUBBORN!

I am so glad that we talked this weekend Chesty. I always feel better after talking to you!

You opened my eyes up to a lot the other day.... and I went off to work in a wonderful mood - NOBODY got me down. Conversely, the night before I was in the dressing room in tears, clutching the beautiful and thoughtful gift that a wonderful man had sent to me... "in secret". He knew that I was preparing for a competition and that my girls would watch me compete. Win or lose, he also knew that my ex would not help my girls to acknowledge my efforts even though he knows how much pride my girls take in the fact that I am a bodybuilder... local-level rinky-dink stuff, but in my girls' eyes I am TEN FEET TALL because I had the courage to continue and pull myself together despite all of the drama of the past year. Needless to say, he sent the gift to my friends and instructed him to give it to me and tell me it was from my girls, to let me know how proud of me they were and if I ever lost my way again that I should be reminded of how strong I truly am.

It is a St Christopher medallion that hangs on a chain long enough that it hangs over my heart with the words engraved on the back "woman of iron". I look at it as a physical reminder that my heart is now well-protected. It is finally open again though closely guarded.....

I wasn't supposed to know that it was from him, but because I was at their home when the package arrived my gf came running into the other room, "SEE - HE DID SEND YOU A VALENTINE'S GIFT!" When I saw it I had to run into the bathroom to hide my tears. (Yea, us girls can be macho too LOL)

There were so many miscommunications between us in the past several months, so many feelings that were left unexpressed, so much hurt....

But I wasn't going to give up on our friendship. I listened to you, Chesty.

Tonite I began typing him a looooooong email telling him all of things that I have been hiding for many months.... as I was typing it, I got an ICQ... only he didn't realize that it was ME he was talking to at first!

Long story short - after a few moments of confusion he realized that he was talking to me.... a few moments of nervous talk about the weather and I began to tell him how hurt I'd been when he did not acknowledge my Christmas or Valentines/"thank you for helping me get through" presents.... I drove down to see him Thanksgiving, he wasn't home and never acknowledged that I was there.... hurt me A LOT - most would have said, "HELLLO! This dude is OBVIOUSLY cutting you loose" He would only reply selectively to certain emails, not return my phone calls, etc... FOR MONTHS....

If he was ANYBODY ELSE - I WOULD'VE CUT HIM LOOSE! But I couldn't believe that HE would behave in such a mean fashion - he must have a good reason.... HE IS A GOOD MAN! He never once told me that his feelings for me changed or that he didn't want me.

Well, I got my answer: I needed to get through my divorce on my own and figure "it" out by myself so that I could "own" it. I needed to prove to myself that I was strong and could stand on my own two feet. He never did abandon me, but only stepped back and let me help myself!

Turns out that of all the packages that I mailed out in the past two months (and there have been MANY) every one reached its final destination with the exception of two: THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT AND PRESENT THAT I SENT RECENTLY TO HIM! HE NEVER GOT THEM!

Neither one of us would have EVER known if I had GIVEN UP and if I HADN'T OPENED MY MOUTH!

Chesty - I don't have the answers for you... there are NO EASY ANSWERS.

But I DO KNOW that we can never be happy as long as we interupt the flow of the universe. We do this when we behave in a fashion that is contrary to who we are and what we feel! That is why you have been so unhappy all of these years.... and it is why I have been so unhappy myself, because though I never did completely give up, I had gotten to the point where I had become afraid to express my true feelings any longer...

We are both mature enough to know that LOVE is not enough, but we are also both experienced enough to know that WITHOUT LOVE there is no true happiness.

I don't have a crystal ball and I can't predict the future, but I can tell you with a great degree of happiness that tonite I will sleep much better REGARDLESS of what tomorrow brings because I wasn't afraid to express my feelings once again, regardless of how much pain I risked.

I don't know what the future holds but I can tell you with absolutely certainty that you will never go wrong as long as you are true to your feelings.

Be Well My Friend! :)
 
Amen. Glad to see it iscoming around for you. I too was much better after having talked to you.

Hang in there.
 
Go get her back.

Oh and yeah, I'm going to keep saying just that to you like a broken record. It's what endears me to people.
 
Yes sir! I will. I am taking it one step at a time. I want my daughters back more than anything.
 
chesty said:
Yes sir! I will. I am taking it one step at a time. I want my daughters back more than anything.
Click to expand...

GOOD THEN!!! YAHOO...plus Red heads...OMG!!!
 
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