How to sign a card?

[MarthaStewart]

Dear Elite Chatboard,

My friend e-mailed me and had a problem that I didn't know how to answer.
This happens sometimes.
His problem was that he was at work, and while we have all had problems like that, his went deeper than that.
His problem was that there was a big fat lady that worked there with him, and as it turns out, she wasn't just fat, she was also "with child" (pregnant if you know what I mean).
She left the office to go have the miracle of life tear her shit up, and the people in the office decided that she could really use a card to help with the mind numbingingly painful experience and the hormonal roller coaster that was ahead of her.
My friend wrote me in hopes that I coudl give him some ideas of what to put on the card for the lady.

The best I could come up with was "Hope its not retarded!" and "Don't drop it on its head!" and "Ohhh, I thought you were just fat!" and finally "Let's hope it makes it though any sort of SIDS episode so it can lead a normal life - assuming you didn't smoke crack you whore."

My friend told me that while my responses were from the heart, they weren't really something that he felt he should write.
I think my friend might need an ass pounding - but that is probably outside the scope of the issue at hand.

Elite Chatboard, can you please give me some ideas of what to write in a card to a lady that just squeezed a small child covered in blood and afterbirth through her vagina - ideally something inspirational.

Thanks so much!


You friend,

AssPackinStan

 

[buttplug]

Something like "Enjoy the year off of work because we sure as hell will, love, Charlie" would do.

 

[buttplug]

Impossible. There's a Charlie in every building.

 

[MarthaStewart]

I asked my friend, and he said nobody named Charlie works there.

Nice try though assfilla.

 

[supersizeme]

hmm...how about

"Hope they clean all the shit off it before placing the newborn on your tummy!"

"Save me the cord!"

"See how long it can survive without the doctor doing the initial spanking of its ass!"

 

[Bullit]

I asked my friend, and he said nobody named Charlie works there.

Nice try though assfilla.

Annnnnnd ......the courtship has begun.
You lil' romeo, you.

 

[buttplug]

No it's the semi-brit thing.

 

[MarthaStewart]

Annnnnnd ......the courtship has begun.
You lil' romeo, you.

you're just jealous that I wouldn't slob your knob.

I don't try to make women love me, it just happens.

I think it is probably all the talk of ass love and knifing of whores.
or the fact that I openly brag about having herpes and open sores.

either way, my mom says I'm a catch.

 

[buttplug]

I think it should be more... subtle. You know how those pregnant women are over emotionnal. If it's too rude she'll probably start crying.

 

[MarthaStewart]

anyway, I'd like more offensive replies for a card to a pregnant women that recently had a baby.

things like "Christ you were fat." and stuff like that.

don't let me down magic elite chatboard.

 

[supersizeme]

"Hope the father's genes were dominant!"

"Please make this the last one. Thanks!"

"You'll probably still continue to gorge on ice cream and potato chips, you fucking cow!"

"Advice - Don't tell the father it's not his until he's formed an unbreakable emotional bond with the child."

 

[Bullit]

"You were pregnant?"

 

[MarthaStewart]

"Hope you know who the father is!"

I think having hope in there is nice - gives it some cheer - you want her to think we are smiling when saying it - hence the exclamation point.

Going the other direction could be:
"Die bitch. You are lucky that you got off early this time, but I'll still find you. I'll cut you. You make me sick, and I'll make you sorry. I know where you live."

Less cheery, but I think still nice.