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Hitch
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BrothaBill
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A craptastic review of hitch
In another sordid attempt by Hollywood to manipulate boyfriends into handing over their hard, earned cash, “Hitch” explores the myth that any man can get any woman he wants at any time. Will Smith plays Alex “Hitch” Hitchens, the date doctor, who helps men capture the hearts of the women they truly love. As for the guys just trying to get laid? Hitch won't help them. He's too cool for that. He's too busy trying to facilitate potential stalkers. Let me get this straight: a guy wants to get laid and you won't help him; but a sniveling loser comes along, saying that he wants to spend the rest of his life sniffing a girl's panties, and he's considered worthy of assistance?
Anyway, Alex Hitchens is hired by a hapless accountant named Albert (Kevin James). Apparently, Albert is in love with New York's most fictitious celebutante, Allegra Cole (Amber Valleta). Seriously, for someone as rich as her character is supposed to be, you'd think she could afford a better name. While Albert is tutored into plausibility, Hitch tries to conquer his own problematic love life. What's that, you say? A love doctor who can't fall in love? THERE'S THE HITCH! GET IT?? That's delicious irony! Of course, the object of Hitch's affection is a New York gossip columnist, Sara Melas (Eva Mendes), who revels in destroying the relationships of other people. You know why? She can't fall in love either! Brilliant! Suck on the teat of double irony, you insipid fools!
Fortunately, Will Smith is charismatic enough to overcome a script discarded from the never-before-seen episodes of “The Love Boat.” By “overcome,” I mean he got $20 million bucks. It's exactly the same formula we've seen before: Boy meets girl, girl loves boy, boy does something “unforgivable,” girl forgives boy. Except in my case, I'm called a disgusting pervert and my phone calls are never returned.
Through his broad, physical comedy, television's own “King of Queens” Kevin James steals almost every scene in which he appears. Maybe it's because he's spent the last 4 years on TV portraying a fat slob with a shitty job who already has a much-too-hot wife. He's used to this. Furthermore, his portrayal of a fat tool is startlingly accurate. Hollywood has found its next fat, clumsy oaf at whom we can all laugh. Who needs Belushi or Farley?
The rest of the cast is competent in that “we have a big budget” kind of way. Although Alan Arkin, as the editor of the gossip rag at which Sara Melas works, made me want to kick someone in the nuts. Nevertheless, the cast, if not talented, was at least attractive (Hi Eva!) and showed the ability to make something out of a very craptastic script. For example, during the “boy loses girl” portion of the movie, Albert accuses Hitch of not following his own advice, to which Hitch says something about love being his life, and Albert yells back at him, “No! Love is your job.” In 50 years, I'm sure we will quoting that instead of lines from Casablanca.
In another sordid attempt by Hollywood to manipulate boyfriends into handing over their hard, earned cash, “Hitch” explores the myth that any man can get any woman he wants at any time. Will Smith plays Alex “Hitch” Hitchens, the date doctor, who helps men capture the hearts of the women they truly love. As for the guys just trying to get laid? Hitch won't help them. He's too cool for that. He's too busy trying to facilitate potential stalkers. Let me get this straight: a guy wants to get laid and you won't help him; but a sniveling loser comes along, saying that he wants to spend the rest of his life sniffing a girl's panties, and he's considered worthy of assistance?
Anyway, Alex Hitchens is hired by a hapless accountant named Albert (Kevin James). Apparently, Albert is in love with New York's most fictitious celebutante, Allegra Cole (Amber Valleta). Seriously, for someone as rich as her character is supposed to be, you'd think she could afford a better name. While Albert is tutored into plausibility, Hitch tries to conquer his own problematic love life. What's that, you say? A love doctor who can't fall in love? THERE'S THE HITCH! GET IT?? That's delicious irony! Of course, the object of Hitch's affection is a New York gossip columnist, Sara Melas (Eva Mendes), who revels in destroying the relationships of other people. You know why? She can't fall in love either! Brilliant! Suck on the teat of double irony, you insipid fools!
Fortunately, Will Smith is charismatic enough to overcome a script discarded from the never-before-seen episodes of “The Love Boat.” By “overcome,” I mean he got $20 million bucks. It's exactly the same formula we've seen before: Boy meets girl, girl loves boy, boy does something “unforgivable,” girl forgives boy. Except in my case, I'm called a disgusting pervert and my phone calls are never returned.
Through his broad, physical comedy, television's own “King of Queens” Kevin James steals almost every scene in which he appears. Maybe it's because he's spent the last 4 years on TV portraying a fat slob with a shitty job who already has a much-too-hot wife. He's used to this. Furthermore, his portrayal of a fat tool is startlingly accurate. Hollywood has found its next fat, clumsy oaf at whom we can all laugh. Who needs Belushi or Farley?
The rest of the cast is competent in that “we have a big budget” kind of way. Although Alan Arkin, as the editor of the gossip rag at which Sara Melas works, made me want to kick someone in the nuts. Nevertheless, the cast, if not talented, was at least attractive (Hi Eva!) and showed the ability to make something out of a very craptastic script. For example, during the “boy loses girl” portion of the movie, Albert accuses Hitch of not following his own advice, to which Hitch says something about love being his life, and Albert yells back at him, “No! Love is your job.” In 50 years, I'm sure we will quoting that instead of lines from Casablanca.
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