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Girl Situation

sure bro, let me know what's up and i'll give you my thoughts
 
GoldenDelicious said:
my relationship posts always make good cents
Click to expand...

Nothing you posts makes sense to me like it did back in '04/05.

You take to make of the pharmacueticles you're supposed to be handing out?
 
ok here goes, but first let me say this post may make me sound like a tool, but and one of those guys that doesnt have a clue, and with the circumstances given, but I am thinking I may be letting a good thing go. or maybe I losing common sense. I am sure I could be leaving key info out, but not trying to.

I am 29 never been married and no children. She is 27 divorced with 3 children. I started seeing her earlier this year at the exact same time I was starting a business with a friend. She had recently broke up with a guy about 3 months before me and I was upfront from the beginning that I had to make career my priority and she agreed that she was in the same position.

We hung out a lot all year and it was completely obvious that we were really into each other. She started bringing up how much she liked me and would like a serious relationship if I was interested. I told her I just could'nt at this point in my life. The thing is, if I were in a better position, I would like more too. But I am spending more money than I am making trying to start this business and I want to be responsible and get my ducks in a row at least to the point I am financially stable. It's not that I don't like her kids, it's more that if I were going to be serious with her I just need to be where I will likely be in 3 years.

Well a couple months ago, I told her and she kind of agreed we needed to probably take a break from each other. We still talked on the phone, but didnt see each other. She mentioned she was going to start seeing the guy she was seeing before me again. She had every right to of course, but from all I had heard about this guy, he is not a good guy, but just has some hold over her.

Well I just found out she is getting married. He happens to have a lot of money, but I know this girl, she isn't after him for money (she wanted me and I sure don't have much money at this time). My thing is he is better for her and the children right now financially, but she would be much happier with me, if I were in a position for that kind of responsibility.

The reason for my post is, I really like this girl and am so frustrated that I am not in the position to approach her and tell her how I feel about her.

I had a lot of fun in college and been with lots of girls. I like to think I am pretty experienced and level-headed not to see things as I want them to be and see them as they are. I know this girl loves me and is settling for him. I wish I could tell her how I feel and see where it goes, but I think it would be irresponsible given my current situation (since it would not only effect us, but 3 children).

Any thoughts?
 
JavaGuru said:
Thanks, it is the obligatoryEF response to any relationship question....
Click to expand...

Yeah.. totally. But it alwyas takes 10 posts for someone to get around to it.

If lestat was a cool bor, we'd have him edit his first post to say that, then we could all go back and edit ours to all say it to. Poor guy'd never come back.
 
Wow that is heavy man. She is getting married now, and if she is doing it for the benefit of her children, she has already made up her mind and will not sacrifice thier security for a man. That is the thing to keep in mind if you get involved with a single mother. Most of them will put their children ahead of you. Period. The few that don't, you certainly do not want to mother any of your children.
 
send her this post.....

you are not making the mistake...the only mistake you could make is judging whether or not she cares about you as much as you think...IMO she sounds desperate- that is not good. 3 little kids is a tough road to endure- do not take this lightly. where is ex husband, and what type of guy is he? whats their relationship like?...before you jump into warm waters, you need to make sure there are no man-eaters in the water waiting for a meal....if she is ok being with assholes, then she is very co-dependant...grounds for a uneasy/messy relationship....
 
I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to screw up her life or her children's. The only reason I would consider saying anything to her is the guy the is marrying is just not a good guy at all.

I keep telling myself maybe its a year engagement and maybe my situation will change (my business could explode at any minute, I feel really good about my financial future, just not now).
 
foofighter said:
I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to screw up her life or her children's. The only reason I would consider saying anything to her is the guy the is marrying is just not a good guy at all.

I keep telling myself maybe its a year engagement and maybe my situation will change (my business could explode at any minute, I feel really good about my financial future, just not now).
Click to expand...

PBR had it right. Show her your words in this post...

Do it.
 
Her Ex turned out to be a real loser yeah. She really is a good person and have really gotten to know her. she is not perfect and no angel, but she will be faithful to her new husband if she gets married to him.

I know most think she may be desperate and I could maybe do better, but she has just had bad luck with her first marriage and it put her in a bad situation. Yes I believe she is settling for this guy for the sake of her children and the false hope he has changed like I am sure he told her.

I doubt I will be sending this post to her as I am probably just going to leave her alone, but I sure would like to be hanging with her right now. She is really a caring, friendly, and fun girl.
 
move on with your life bro. Life is very harsh most of the time.

You are just upset because she is getting married. If she were still single, you wouldn't even think about her. Tell your mind to stop fucking with you and move on.

Focus on the business for now. That is all that matters. This is no movie. Its real life.
 
Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Ohh...

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah...

She loved him, yeah... she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah... that's why she'll be back again

Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better... man...
 
Man I keep telling myself exactly that, she made the choice and I need to just move on. That's the textbook thing to do. But then it's just like that song that was just posted "better man" by pearl jam. I think that's just it, she made a mistake and married a bad Father and now she can't find a better man. Most guys don't want a girl with 3 kids. I am sure this prevents most good guys from even giving her a chance. There's something about this girl, she deserves a good guy.

I feel the reason the is marrying this guy is just that, she can't find a better man. I think she really wanted me, but I let her down.
 
foofighter said:
Man I keep telling myself exactly that, she made the choice and I need to just move on. That's the textbook thing to do. But then it's just like that song that was just posted "better man" by pearl jam. I think that's just it, she made a mistake and married a bad Father and now she can't find a better man. Most guys don't want a girl with 3 kids. I am sure this prevents most good guys from even giving her a chance. There's something about this girl, she deserves a good guy.

I feel the reason the is marrying this guy is just that, she can't find a better man. I think she really wanted me, but I let her down.
Click to expand...
you should be doing what that chicks husband is doing. having sex with a chick who doesn't love him. see if you feel this way after unloading a gob on a girl.....
 
foofighter said:
Man I keep telling myself exactly that, she made the choice and I need to just move on. That's the textbook thing to do. But then it's just like that song that was just posted "better man" by pearl jam. I think that's just it, she made a mistake and married a bad Father and now she can't find a better man. Most guys don't want a girl with 3 kids. I am sure this prevents most good guys from even giving her a chance. There's something about this girl, she deserves a good guy.

I feel the reason the is marrying this guy is just that, she can't find a better man. I think she really wanted me, but I let her down.
Click to expand...

read my first post bro...copy and paste your post into an email. press "send".
why not KNOW for sure instead of assuming what you think is correct? your mind will haunt you otherwise...trust me on this one.
 
foofighter said:
ok here goes, but first let me say this post may make me sound like a tool, but and one of those guys that doesnt have a clue, and with the circumstances given, but I am thinking I may be letting a good thing go. or maybe I losing common sense. I am sure I could be leaving key info out, but not trying to.

I am 29 never been married and no children. She is 27 divorced with 3 children. I started seeing her earlier this year at the exact same time I was starting a business with a friend. She had recently broke up with a guy about 3 months before me and I was upfront from the beginning that I had to make career my priority and she agreed that she was in the same position.

We hung out a lot all year and it was completely obvious that we were really into each other. She started bringing up how much she liked me and would like a serious relationship if I was interested. I told her I just could'nt at this point in my life. The thing is, if I were in a better position, I would like more too. But I am spending more money than I am making trying to start this business and I want to be responsible and get my ducks in a row at least to the point I am financially stable. It's not that I don't like her kids, it's more that if I were going to be serious with her I just need to be where I will likely be in 3 years.

Well a couple months ago, I told her and she kind of agreed we needed to probably take a break from each other. We still talked on the phone, but didnt see each other. She mentioned she was going to start seeing the guy she was seeing before me again. She had every right to of course, but from all I had heard about this guy, he is not a good guy, but just has some hold over her.

Well I just found out she is getting married. He happens to have a lot of money, but I know this girl, she isn't after him for money (she wanted me and I sure don't have much money at this time). My thing is he is better for her and the children right now financially, but she would be much happier with me, if I were in a position for that kind of responsibility.

The reason for my post is, I really like this girl and am so frustrated that I am not in the position to approach her and tell her how I feel about her.

I had a lot of fun in college and been with lots of girls. I like to think I am pretty experienced and level-headed not to see things as I want them to be and see them as they are. I know this girl loves me and is settling for him. I wish I could tell her how I feel and see where it goes, but I think it would be irresponsible given my current situation (since it would not only effect us, but 3 children).

Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
You just want her 'cause you can't have her now. If you really loved her, you would have made it work.
Ergo, you really don't love her enough. Get over her & move on.
 
its easier to find a new girl than to go into damage control with this one. get a gang of new girlfriends to boost your self esteem and fuzz the pain of pulling out your emotional anchors to this girl, then find a new hottie without so much bloody baggage
 
HiDnGoD said:
You just want her 'cause you can't have her now. If you really loved her, you would have made it work.
Ergo, you really don't love her enough. Get over her & move on.
Click to expand...

This man has a point.

PBR and HiDnGoD up in here.
 
PBR said:
send her this post.....

you are not making the mistake...the only mistake you could make is judging whether or not she cares about you as much as you think...IMO she sounds desperate- that is not good. 3 little kids is a tough road to endure- do not take this lightly. where is ex husband, and what type of guy is he? whats their relationship like?...before you jump into warm waters, you need to make sure there are no man-eaters in the water waiting for a meal....if she is ok being with assholes, then she is very co-dependant...grounds for a uneasy/messy relationship....
Click to expand...
Agreed PBR,
 
JH1 said:
This man has a point.

PBR and HiDnGoD up in here.
Click to expand...

yes he does have a very valid point...my suggestion not only puts her into a position of truth, but he himslf also- its two fold. what i see here: Are the people involved in some sort of hurry...why is this?...is it money?...or is this the real deal?....
 
I am completely aware of the want her cause you can't have her scenerio. It could be the case with me, but the only thing that makes me think its maybe not is that I was wanting her before I found out I can't have her. I was just using will-power.

I am probably going to let it be and just move on, if its meant to be, she won't marry him and there will be an opportunity when the time is right for me down the road. If not, she must not be the one.
 
foofighter said:
I am completely aware of the want her cause you can't have her scenerio. It could be the case with me, but the only thing that makes me think its maybe not is that I was wanting her before I found out I can't have her. I was just using will-power.

I am probably going to let it be and just move on, if its meant to be, she won't marry him and there will be an opportunity when the time is right for me down the road. If not, she must not be the one.
Click to expand...
Good thinking, everything happens for a reason....k to you bro
 
foofighter said:
I am completely aware of the want her cause you can't have her scenerio. It could be the case with me, but the only thing that makes me think its maybe not is that I was wanting her before I found out I can't have her. I was just using will-power.

I am probably going to let it be and just move on, if its meant to be, she won't marry him and there will be an opportunity when the time is right for me down the road. If not, she must not be the one.
Click to expand...
Good luck. You may have to chalk her up as the one that got away.
I still think if you wanted her that badly, you wouldn't have let her go in the first place.
 
Trust me , Shell cheat on him. You said it yourself she settled. People who settle always stray and maybe after a toorid affair and you become finacially secure she will trade teams. If not well, you got to eat the fruit without buying the bush. Pretty shitty but life is like that! Now go get whats yours. BOOOHYAAA!
 
Moving on is just easier said than done. I had a girl dump me years ago that I was crazy about and that experience of knowing how much time I wasted worrying about it makes me realize it is just that a waste, if I choose not to talk to her. I am just in the early stages I guess.
 
HidnGod,

I think when I let her go the first time, I thought we would stay friends and It would happen down the road when I was ready. I tried to give her that hint, by saying lets just focus on careers, be friends, and hang out.

She had told this guy she was done with him right after he asked her out again when we cooled it down. I think this guy was the one who wanted what he couldnt have and proposed. And she fell for the i've changed speech. Just my guess, but i know she had major feelings for him at one time prior to me and i dont think he returned them. This might sound a lot like me, but he treated her bad. I have never treated her bad. She and I have never argued once or even came close.
 
Shes getting married bro,... why not just tell her how special you think she is and you wish her and her husband to-be, a lifetime of happiness.
Theres plenty of fish out there.
 
I have a question:
IF you told her you loved her, and wanted to be with her, and she left the guy, what would you do?

If you really do love her then tell her... what do you have to lose? nothing.. she is already with the "other guy"... who knows, she may come back to you.

You said it yourself already, she doesnt care about money, right? your business is just that, business. Your personal happiness is worth far more than money. People you fully connect with don't come around often.
 
foofighter said:
ok here goes, but first let me say this post may make me sound like a tool, but and one of those guys that doesnt have a clue, and with the circumstances given, but I am thinking I may be letting a good thing go. or maybe I losing common sense. I am sure I could be leaving key info out, but not trying to.

I am 29 never been married and no children. She is 27 divorced with 3 children. I started seeing her earlier this year at the exact same time I was starting a business with a friend. She had recently broke up with a guy about 3 months before me and I was upfront from the beginning that I had to make career my priority and she agreed that she was in the same position.

We hung out a lot all year and it was completely obvious that we were really into each other. She started bringing up how much she liked me and would like a serious relationship if I was interested. I told her I just could'nt at this point in my life. The thing is, if I were in a better position, I would like more too. But I am spending more money than I am making trying to start this business and I want to be responsible and get my ducks in a row at least to the point I am financially stable. It's not that I don't like her kids, it's more that if I were going to be serious with her I just need to be where I will likely be in 3 years.

Well a couple months ago, I told her and she kind of agreed we needed to probably take a break from each other. We still talked on the phone, but didnt see each other. She mentioned she was going to start seeing the guy she was seeing before me again. She had every right to of course, but from all I had heard about this guy, he is not a good guy, but just has some hold over her.

Well I just found out she is getting married. He happens to have a lot of money, but I know this girl, she isn't after him for money (she wanted me and I sure don't have much money at this time). My thing is he is better for her and the children right now financially, but she would be much happier with me, if I were in a position for that kind of responsibility.

The reason for my post is, I really like this girl and am so frustrated that I am not in the position to approach her and tell her how I feel about her.

I had a lot of fun in college and been with lots of girls. I like to think I am pretty experienced and level-headed not to see things as I want them to be and see them as they are. I know this girl loves me and is settling for him. I wish I could tell her how I feel and see where it goes, but I think it would be irresponsible given my current situation (since it would not only effect us, but 3 children).

Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
Never....never date women with kids!!!!! You got lucky that this tramp is running after money.....now go find a girl with 0 kids and quit acting like a baby.



read this link every day son


http://www.tenetsofleykis.com/
 
caligirl said:
I have a question:
IF you told her you loved her, and wanted to be with her, and she left the guy, what would you do?

If you really do love her then tell her... what do you have to lose? nothing.. she is already with the "other guy"... who knows, she may come back to you.

You said it yourself already, she doesnt care about money, right? your business is just that, business. Your personal happiness is worth far more than money. People you fully connect with don't come around often.
Click to expand...

paradox said:
Shes getting married bro,... why not just tell her how special you think she is and you wish her and her husband to-be, a lifetime of happiness.
Theres plenty of fish out there.
Click to expand...
Good advice
 
foofighter said:
I know this girl loves me and is settling for him. I wish I could tell her how I feel and see where it goes, but I think it would be irresponsible given my current situation (since it would not only effect us, but 3 children).

Any thoughts?
Click to expand...

First let me say that you sound like a VERY standup guy.

But are you 100% that the part of your statement that I highlighted in the red is an accurate portrayal of her feelings?... or more a portrayal of YOUR feelings?
 
ForemanRules said:
Never....never date women with kids!!!!! You got lucky that this tramp is running after money.....now go find a girl with 0 kids and quit acting like a baby.



read this link every day son


http://www.tenetsofleykis.com/
Click to expand...
trust me caligirl, http://www.tenetsofleykis.com/ is not me.

i sent her a text to give me a call, we havent talked in like 2 weeks, so i have no idea what she is up to, but she should be at work. i havent heard back from her. so we will see.
 
BIKINIMOM said:
First let me say that you sound like a VERY standup guy.

But are you 100% that the part of your statement that I highlighted in the red is an accurate portrayal of her feelings?... or more a portrayal of YOUR feelings?
Click to expand...

BM may be a psycho but sometimes she is pretty insiteful.
 
Now that I've read through this thread a will share a bit about my situation with you.

I got married recently and you have NO CLUE how many guys that I dated previously still call/text/email me even though I have told most that I am HAPPILY MARRIED. I have 4 kids and an ex from hell which makes me VERY "undesirable" to most men even though I have many extremely desirable traits.

You have NO IDEA how ill it makes me that NOW "All of the sudden" that I have found someone who loves me (who isnt perfect himself) ALL OF ME and ALL THAT COMES WITH ME these dudes are up in my business "just to see how it is working out"?

XCUSE ME? WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY WHEN THEY HAD MY FULL ATTENTION?

Bottom line is if you feel THAT STRONGLY that this girl is the one for you then you will step over your own mother to win her - whether you are stinking rich or poor because you are trying to make something better of yourself. If she loves you, she will be with you REGARDLESS....

Trust me. If this girl is who you say she is she would be with you through good times as well as stressfull times. If you are smart/driven/charismatic then you can and will give her the world. She wants what is best for her children. If you are who you say you are then I dont see how she could choose another... unless, that is, you abandoned her and her kids and let another man step into what was supposed to be YOUR LIFE.
 
bro, if you're going to do this, don't grovel. just come right out with it. fucking aye, like i say, if you're going down, go down in flames. show up at her work and burst in and tell her in front of everyone how you feel. and the worse thing that can happen is that she snubs you and you're removed by security. not that costly, actually...
 
Youre 29 and trying to make it with a business of your own. Shes divorced with 3 kids that arent yours. Cut her loose and focus on your business because you arent going to have time for both at this point.
 
HumanTarget said:
bro, if you're going to do this, don't grovel. just come right out with it. fucking aye, like i say, if you're going down, go down in flames. show up at her work and burst in and tell her in front of everyone how you feel. and the worse thing that can happen is that she snubs you and you're removed by security. not that costly, actually...
Click to expand...

I like this approach, just make one addition - wire yourself with explosives, and if she says no, blow yourself and her to hell in little pieces. good times!
 
superdave said:
Youre 29 and trying to make it with a business of your own. Shes divorced with 3 kids that arent yours. Cut her loose and focus on your business because you arent going to have time for both at this point.
Click to expand...

Very sound advice. Sometimes in life though, we think more with our hearts than with our heads. The one factor that separates a good decision from a bad one?

THE OUTCOME.


My advice? If he isnt willing to invest emotionally 100% then he needs to congratulate her on her marriage and wish her all the best and move on with his own life. If he truly wants this woman in his life and to be a hyuge part of her life then he will let his true feelings be known... but still there is no guarantee. It may be too late for foofighter (as she may be resentfull that he let her go to begin with) or she might really want to be with her fiancee.

Either way he will never know if he doesnt have a face to face - sit down talk with her. Something like this can not be said in an email.
 
Mavafanculo said:
I like this approach, just make one addition - wire yourself with explosives, and if she says no, blow yourself and her to hell in little pieces. good times!
Click to expand...
women love a good scene. that's why they wait to ask you about the 9 dialed out calls to her friend Angela last week until you're in the mall. always lock your phone.
 
Mavafanculo said:
I like this approach, just make one addition - wire yourself with explosives, and if she says no, blow yourself and her to hell in little pieces. good times!
Click to expand...

p.s. if you use this approach, can I have your karma?
 
Bikinimom,

I am 100% certain. I am pretty good a reading people too. I am not one of these guys that sees what he wants to see. Now I realize feelings could change, so I am just going to feel her out when I talk to her, since it has been a while.
 
BIKINIMOM said:
Very sound advice. Sometimes in life though, we think more with our hearts than with our heads. The one factor that separates a good decision from a bad one?

THE OUTCOME.


My advice? If he isnt willing to invest emotionally 100% then he needs to congratulate her on her marriage and wish her all the best and move on with his own life. If he truly wants this woman in his life and to be a hyuge part of her life then he will let his true feelings be known... but still there is no guarantee. It may be too late for foofighter (as she may be resentfull that he let her go to begin with) or she might really want to be with her fiancee.

Either way he will never know if he doesnt have a face to face - sit down talk with her. Something like this can not be said in an email.
Click to expand...
Shit, i didnt even read far enough to see she is already engaged to another man. Hell, cut all that shit loose for sure now. You will forget about it all in 6 months I guarantee.
 
foofighter said:
Bikinimom,

I am 100% certain. I am pretty good a reading people too. I am not one of these guys that sees what he wants to see. Now I realize feelings could change, so I am just going to feel her out when I talk to her, since it has been a while.
Click to expand...

I was anti-marriage for a very long time and so was my current husband. We had both been through the relationship ringer in ways that fiction cant even rival. Yet when my husband and I clicked it was unmistakeable. We didnt even want a serious or "full on" relationship, let alone marriage. Yet here we are: married.

My husband is 55 years old and very experienced in life yet he claims (and I believe him) that he has NEVER loved a woman before; that for the first time in his life he is in love.

I am in awe of him. Never have I had the privilige of meeting a man of such strength of character and mental/emotional fortitude let alone had the privilige of having him love me.

When he extended himself to me, how could I refuse?

If you are clear in your perception of how she feels about you, her life and what she wants then I dont see how she could possibly marry another man, unless, of course, she felt rejected by you, that you didnt even give her THE CHANCE to be in a committed relationship. <------ think about how that must have hurt her.

I dont know this woman but you seem to be level-headed and sincere. This leads me to believe that she is most likely a good mature woman. I find it difficult to believe that she would take an engagement lightly... But then again, I also choose to see the best in people. <---- big character flaw, admittedly.
 
ok i just found an email reply from her, right after we stopped seeing each other and she told me that her old boyfriend (the guy she is marrying) had asked her out and she was going to accept.

my response to her was i had no right to tell her not to see anyone else, but i really wasn't happy she was going out with him. i had heard way too many negatives about him when we were together.

anyways this was her word for word email reply when i told her she shouldnt go out with him:

i am glad to know that u do care and worry about me but i will be fine at least i hope so and ur a great friend to me you have been more of a friend to me than anyone else has, i don't want to mess that up, i mean if there ever was something between me and you i know that you would be the "perfect" one, but thats not what ur looking for and thats fine and i know that you dont want me to go out with **** but i need to see if anything is there.

that was her exact reply.

i am not sure if i left out that we had a phone conversation a couple weeks later when she said he hadnt changed and she had broke it off with him for good. I think this caused him to want what he couldnt have and he proposed. you know the rest of the story.
 
i understand that what your saying, but in this case i wasnt trying to talk her into being with me, but not to go out with him. i know how when you first go out with a girl the "friend" word is the kiss of death but in a serious relationship, being friends is important. we never said i love you once to each other, but i think she want to tell me she did. trust me, i get it when a girl isnt into me, but i dont think the friend word was the kiss of death. take the following she said for instance:

i mean if there ever was something between me and you i know that you would be the "perfect" one, but thats not what ur looking for
 
Subzeero said:
move on with your life bro. Life is very harsh most of the time.

You are just upset because she is getting married. If she were still single, you wouldn't even think about her. Tell your mind to stop fucking with you and move on.

Focus on the business for now. That is all that matters. This is no movie. Its real life.
Click to expand...

I agree!! It not like yall weren't seeing each other, if she loved you then she would of waited for you to get to where you felt comfortable getting married yourself. As hard as it may be I would say cut your losses while you still can. All things happen for a reason. She must not be the one for you.
Good luck to ya! :rose:
 
KSHARP01 said:
I agree!! It not like yall weren't seeing each other, if she loved you then she would of waited for you to get to where you felt comfortable getting married yourself. As hard as it may be I would say cut your losses while you still can. All things happen for a reason. She must not be the one for you.
Good luck to ya! :rose:
Click to expand...

well now a am starting to get a good misture of advice. i sent her a text to call me. if she gives me any reason to think she is unhappy with him and still wants me, i may tell her how i feel. if she seems happy, i am just going to wish her the best.
 
All you can do is tell her how you feel and let her decide what to do. Taking on someone else's children is so hard, and you are so young, though, I will tell you that.
 
foofighter said:
ok here goes, but first let me say this post may make me sound like a tool, but and one of those guys that doesnt have a clue, and with the circumstances given, but I am thinking I may be letting a good thing go. or maybe I losing common sense. I am sure I could be leaving key info out, but not trying to.

I am 29 never been married and no children. She is 27 divorced with 3 children. I started seeing her earlier this year at the exact same time I was starting a business with a friend. She had recently broke up with a guy about 3 months before me and I was upfront from the beginning that I had to make career my priority and she agreed that she was in the same position.

We hung out a lot all year and it was completely obvious that we were really into each other. She started bringing up how much she liked me and would like a serious relationship if I was interested. I told her I just could'nt at this point in my life. The thing is, if I were in a better position, I would like more too. But I am spending more money than I am making trying to start this business and I want to be responsible and get my ducks in a row at least to the point I am financially stable. It's not that I don't like her kids, it's more that if I were going to be serious with her I just need to be where I will likely be in 3 years.

Well a couple months ago, I told her and she kind of agreed we needed to probably take a break from each other. We still talked on the phone, but didnt see each other. She mentioned she was going to start seeing the guy she was seeing before me again. She had every right to of course, but from all I had heard about this guy, he is not a good guy, but just has some hold over her.

Well I just found out she is getting married. He happens to have a lot of money, but I know this girl, she isn't after him for money (she wanted me and I sure don't have much money at this time). My thing is he is better for her and the children right now financially, but she would be much happier with me, if I were in a position for that kind of responsibility.

The reason for my post is, I really like this girl and am so frustrated that I am not in the position to approach her and tell her how I feel about her.

I had a lot of fun in college and been with lots of girls. I like to think I am pretty experienced and level-headed not to see things as I want them to be and see them as they are. I know this girl loves me and is settling for him. I wish I could tell her how I feel and see where it goes, but I think it would be irresponsible given my current situation (since it would not only effect us, but 3 children).

Any thoughts?
Click to expand...

Yeah, when I saw 3 children, I thought to myself, better you than me. Hope everything works out.
 
As I said in my first post, I will probably leave out something key unintentionally, this could have some effect on advice, i dont know:

the guy she is marrying is 41, divorced with 2 children himself. 14 years older than her although his children are close to the same age as her. And he is a doctor.
 
foofighter said:
As I said in my first post, I will probably leave out something key unintentionally, this could have some effect on advice, i dont know:

the guy she is marrying is 41, divorced with 2 children himself. 14 years older than her although his children are close to the same age as her. And he is a doctor.
Click to expand...

You don't know how lucky you are to be losing her. Your judgement is clouded right now.
 
biteme,

i am trying to not make a clouded decsion or do something stupid. thats why i came here (a fitness board) for advice because most fitness people have a lot of pride and self esteem and can give solid advice.

i am going to think things through.

i think my post makes her sound like more baggage than she is. she is one really cool girl that just had some early bad break and is the one making a clouded decision.

trust me, i have zero tolerance for clingy drama queens. she wanted a relationship with me but was never clingy.
 
foofighter said:
jackangel,

was it her email that caused you to give me that advice?
Click to expand...

no, just my own misery and desire to see love, or at least the enduring illusion of it, happen. i have no idea what it is. but if you do, maybe you can do something about it.
 
Update for everyone,


She just called me back on the way to her engagement party. We talked for about an hour. Its like we never stopped talking. She explained that she just didnt know how to tell me and when he proposed she first said no and he talked her into it after a couple days.

She told me without exactly saying it that she is pretty much doing it for her kids because they like him and they will have opportunities that they would not normally have. She is also giving her current house to her grandmother because its her grandmother's old house and grandmother needs the money from the house grandmother will sell to pay medical bills for an illness.

She also told me without actually saying it, that she never stopped wanting to be with me.

As you can see, I still have a situation. She has already given her house away to her grandmother ( i really respect her for doing that and for looking out for her kids over herself).

I cant exactly say anything at this moment and move her and the kids into a 1 BR apt. She did say that she isnt planning to get married for a year. So maybe I will be in a better financial situation within a year and be able to tell her my true feelings if she still feels the same way.
 
Ok first off- You say that you are keeping the kids in mind here about the situation...What do you think will happen in a few years down the road? So the children will have their financial needs met and then some after....Good for them..However will they be happy? Will mommy and new daddy fight as a result to mommy not loving him or mommy having some other man on her mind?! in my opinion loving homes come far before pockets full of money homes..
Second- you love this girl? Then be a man...Step the fuck up and tell her how you feel before it is too late..You dont want her marrying this asshole then her end up having an affair with you and thus damaging her home,her life, and her kids life... Get it out now!
Just be honest. you claim that you have strong feelings or whatever, you also claim that she has the same for you.Why ruin some thing like that when it is hard to come by?
 
my cold read on the situation is that you didn't want to have to support 3 kids
you're stressin about getting the business up and 4 extra mouths is too much
this is why you pushed her away, consicously or sub
 
foofighter said:
Update for everyone,


She just called me back on the way to her engagement party. We talked for about an hour. Its like we never stopped talking. She explained that she just didnt know how to tell me and when he proposed she first said no and he talked her into it after a couple days.

She told me without exactly saying it that she is pretty much doing it for her kids because they like him and they will have opportunities that they would not normally have. She is also giving her current house to her grandmother because its her grandmother's old house and grandmother needs the money from the house grandmother will sell to pay medical bills for an illness.

She also told me without actually saying it, that she never stopped wanting to be with me.

As you can see, I still have a situation. She has already given her house away to her grandmother ( i really respect her for doing that and for looking out for her kids over herself).

I cant exactly say anything at this moment and move her and the kids into a 1 BR apt. She did say that she isnt planning to get married for a year. So maybe I will be in a better financial situation within a year and be able to tell her my true feelings if she still feels the same way.
Click to expand...


A marriage based on sheer convienance will never work in the long haul, I promise you that.
 
paradox said:
A marriage based on sheer convienance will never work in the long haul, I promise you that.
Click to expand...
exactly. And the kicker is that she thinks that she is helping her children when in reality in the long run she will be damaging them.
I see in my crystal ball, lots of argueing in that home, lots of regret, lots of depression, and lots of what if's...Not to mention adultry
Yeah, uhmmmm real great for the kids!
:rolleyes:
 
my take: she is desperate to have a man in her life, one that can provide for her and her kids.
I don't think you truly love her, b/c if you did, you would not have let her go. If she really loved you, she would not be looking to have another man provide for her.
The power of love is stronger than any need to be taken care of.
I think she is a confused lady and I think you want her back only b/c she is ununavailable.
You best bet, walk away. Let her go. I'm sorry if this seems harsh.
 
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Am I the only one that thinks he is being selfish? He doesn't want her right now but dosen't want some other dude to have her either? You should have maned up earlier there is never an ideal times for love in life. If that is how you felt for her you should told her sooner.
 
Bro, this is very complicated but the best advice is to move on. That sounds harsh like blueta2 said, but you both have doubts and this is going to be a high baggage and expensive relationship if you get reinvolved and she leave her fiance.
 
foofighter said:
Well I just found out she is getting married. He happens to have a lot of money, but I know this girl, she isn't after him for money (she wanted me and I sure don't have much money at this time). My thing is he is better for her and the children right now financially, but she would be much happier with me, if I were in a position for that kind of responsibility.

The reason for my post is, I really like this girl and am so frustrated that I am not in the position to approach her and tell her how I feel about her.
Click to expand...

Sucks to be poor. I know how it feels nugga...
 
blueta2 said:
my take: she is desperate to have a man in her life, one that can provide for her and her kids.
I don't think you truly love her, b/c if you did, you would not have let her go. If she really loved you, she would not be looking to have another man provide for her.
The power of love is stronger than any need to be taken care of.
I think she is a confused lady and I think you want her back only b/c she is ununavailable.
You best bet, walk away. Let her go. I'm sorry if this seems harsh.
Click to expand...

someone who bases their life on "survival" tactics when it comes to love, is an immediate threat....there will never be any trust. there is no platform to work from...survival means just that, you go where there is food and shelter, by any means possible...if youre not the means, youre in the way. :chomp:
 
foofighter said:
Update for everyone,


She just called me back on the way to her engagement party. We talked for about an hour. Its like we never stopped talking. She explained that she just didnt know how to tell me and when he proposed she first said no and he talked her into it after a couple days.

She told me without exactly saying it that she is pretty much doing it for her kids because they like him and they will have opportunities that they would not normally have. She is also giving her current house to her grandmother because its her grandmother's old house and grandmother needs the money from the house grandmother will sell to pay medical bills for an illness.

She also told me without actually saying it, that she never stopped wanting to be with me.

As you can see, I still have a situation. She has already given her house away to her grandmother ( i really respect her for doing that and for looking out for her kids over herself).

I cant exactly say anything at this moment and move her and the kids into a 1 BR apt. She did say that she isnt planning to get married for a year. So maybe I will be in a better financial situation within a year and be able to tell her my true feelings if she still feels the same way.
Click to expand...
I thioink she is too nice & doesn't want to hurt you by coming out & telling you to piss off. She made her bed, let her lie in it.
If things don't work out between her & prince charming, you best move her in with you. You cannot move a mother & 3 kids into a 1 bedroom apartment. They'll all hate each other inside a month.
And you're still not coming out and saying "I love this woman with all my heart & want to be the father to her children."
You're saying "She 's cool and I wanna keep her around in case I decide to maybe, kinda love her. Later. After my business is set up. After the kids are grown."
 
Yeah I am sure I have made myself sound pretty wishy washy by now. After sleeping on it, I have decided to just be her friend (there for her if she needs me) and move on.

Thanks for all the replies everyone!
 
foofighter said:
Update for everyone,


She just called me back on the way to her engagement party. We talked for about an hour. Its like we never stopped talking. She explained that she just didnt know how to tell me and when he proposed she first said no and he talked her into it after a couple days.

She told me without exactly saying it that she is pretty much doing it for her kids because they like him and they will have opportunities that they would not normally have. She is also giving her current house to her grandmother because its her grandmother's old house and grandmother needs the money from the house grandmother will sell to pay medical bills for an illness.

She also told me without actually saying it, that she never stopped wanting to be with me.

As you can see, I still have a situation. She has already given her house away to her grandmother ( i really respect her for doing that and for looking out for her kids over herself).

I cant exactly say anything at this moment and move her and the kids into a 1 BR apt. She did say that she isnt planning to get married for a year. So maybe I will be in a better financial situation within a year and be able to tell her my true feelings if she still feels the same way.
Click to expand...
Dude you are such a pussy that you shame all men on this earth.


Pathetic
 
foofighter said:
Yeah I am sure I have made myself sound pretty wishy washy by now. After sleeping on it, I have decided to just be her friend (there for her if she needs me) and move on.

Thanks for all the replies everyone!
Click to expand...

Clomid?

-
 
foofighter said:
Yeah I am sure I have made myself sound pretty wishy washy by now. After sleeping on it, I have decided to just be her friend (there for her if she needs me) and move on.

Thanks for all the replies everyone!
Click to expand...
That could work, if you can both be happy with that. Later on, who knows.
 
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