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Funny Seinfeld Lines

T

tripleV

New member
"I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare."
- Jerry
 
"I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?"
"No. It's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work."
- Jerry and Kramer
 
"Not that there's anything wrong with that"

Newman-"These showerheads were made in Yugoslavia-where they are FANATICAL about their showers"
Jerry-"Not from the footage I've seen"

"Its only a nipple!!! Everyone's got them!!! Look I got them!! (lifts shirt)"

Jerry-" It went IN the patient!!"
George-"What do you mean IN the patient??"
Jerry-"IN the patient-right in the hole!!!"
George-"How is that possible??"
Jerry-"Because ita a very small mint.....its a JUNIOR mint"

"To the idiotmobile!!!"


OMG there are so many I can't list them all..............best show of all time
 
I don't really know it verbaitem (sp?) but when George saves that whale. The funniest shit ever is when he tells the story on how the giant wave picked him up and sat him right on top the mighty beast. LMFAO!
 
Re: I had to do it

"I think he de-gifted, and then he re-gifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a SuperBowl sex romp!"
 
Kramer - "Hello, I'm Doctor VanNostrum from the clinic, I will be needing the chart on Elaine Benes"
nurse - "what clinic did you say you are with?"
kramer - "yes, that's correct"
nurse - "what?"
Kramer - "uh, the Neohofferman clinic in Belgium.........the Netherlands"
 
"Mulva.....nahhh...DELORIS!!!"

"Karmer! Take the mail! Take the Mail! Take the Mail!"

"Sorry it says The moops, not The moores."
 
the one with the black and white cookie having racial wars in jerrys' stomach. lol. That was the funniest one except for the pool one.
 
Relationship Advice from Kramer...

"What are you thinkin about Jerry realtionship...marriage?? They're prisons...you're doing time. You come home from work...she's there. You get up in the mornin...she's there. It's like you got to ask permission to use the bathroom...(funny voice)Is it alright if I use the bathroom now."

"And you can forget about watchin TV when you eat. Cuz that's dinner time...and you know what you do at dinner time?? You talk about your day...how was you day today? Did you have a good day or a bad day..."
 
Hello??

How can we all forget Soup Nazi??!

"NO SOUP FOR YOU...come back 1 Year!!!":mad:
 
tripleV said:
"Yeah I think I'm sponge worthy, I think Im very sponge worthy!"
Click to expand...

Elaine:"You're gonna do something about your sideburns right??! Alright...LET'S GO!" :)
 
Hannibal -- you beat me to the "No soup for you"....

Probably the best episodes were the "I was in the pool" and the one where Elaine's boss breaks the black pen, somehow manages to rub underneath his nose so it looks like he has a Hitler mustache and then starts a speach with his hand in the air, just short of "Zig heil"....
 
george: When you answer the phone, you are Vandelay Industries. And you are thinking of hiring me for your laytex salesman.

Jerry: Your gonna be my laytex salesman? I don't think so.
 
(In Australian accent)

"THE DINGO ATE YOUR BABY!!"

Elaine-- after listening to some whiny nasaly suburban chick wondering where her fiance' had wandered off to-"Where is my poor baby?"
 
How could you forget George's answering machine?!

Believe it or not, George isnt at home
So leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phooone
Where could I beeeeeeeeeee
Believe it or not, I'm not home.

and of course


These pretzels are making me thirsty!
 
"Just a little place I call we'll see" (Kramer test driving Jerry's new car and the sales asks where they're going)

Kramer:"Little Jerry was born to cock fight."
 
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"what?"
"you just double dipped that chip"
"what are you talking about?"
"when you put your chip in the dip, you took a bite, and dipped again.
Thats like putting your whole mouth in the dip. Next time, just take a dip, and END it"
 
ciscokid1 said:
I don't really know it verbaitem (sp?) but when George saves that whale. The funniest shit ever is when he tells the story on how the giant wave picked him up and sat him right on top the mighty beast. LMFAO!
Click to expand...

That was a spoof of "Moby Dick" and a damn funny one at that..............

"The sea was angry that day my freinds............."
 
The "Puffy" Shirt


KRAMER: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!

JERRY: (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate!
 
Jerry to George: "You had sex with the cleaning lady on your desk?"

---

George : "I was at my parents, in the bathroom, and there was this glamour magazine"

Jerry "Glamour?"

----

"hate the drake"

"he's a close talker"

"he's a high talker"

"Mulva?"

"Pez?"

"Snapple?"
 
kramer answering phone - cosmo, go

newman - excellent, excellent

my boyfriend said i got gonorrea from a tractor.
alright, you've been great, see you around



i like the episode where kramer gets arrested for pimping. there was no line in it, but he had a wide brimmed hat, a cane, flashy clothes, a cadillac & he was fight a prostitue.

turn to your right pimp
i'm not a pimp
 
"hey buddy, you should come over... it's pipe night."

"What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mit."

"Look at that... my face all craggly...it's crinkly."

It's from all that smoke- you've experienced a lifetime of smoke in 72 hrs- what did you expect?"

"Emphasema, birth defects, cancer... but not THIS! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, everything I have I owe to this face... it's my allure, my twinkle."

"And you're teeth are all brown."

"Look away. I'm hideous."
 
flex4life said:
"hey buddy, you should come over... it's pipe night."

"What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mit."

"Look at that... my face all craggly...it's crinkly."

It's from all that smoke- you've experienced a lifetime of smoke in 72 hrs- what did you expect?"

"Emphasema, birth defects, cancer... but not THIS! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, everything I have I owe to this face... it's my allure, my twinkle."

"And you're teeth are all brown."

"Look away. I'm hideous."
Click to expand...

That episode was funny as shit. I saw a bloopers reel one time that had this scene on it and Jerry couldn't quit laughing at Kramer everytime he turned around to say "look away, I'm hideous", they would both bust out laughing.....it was hilarious........
 
Bubble Boy: What are you lookin' at?! Never seen a kid in a bubble before?

GEORGE: 'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's, uh, sister, also.. you know ..bubble. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on..
 
George commenting after Susan became a lesbian...
"I turn em into lesbians and then Kramer brings them back"

"Poppy peed on my sofa"

""and there you were, my son treating his body like some sort of amusement park!"

"What have you been feeding the horse kramer?" "Beefaroni!"
 
"This isn't the mink hat"
"sure it is"
"This is nutria"
"Well...........thats a type of mink"
"no that's a type of rat, this is a rat hat, and a poorly made one at that"
 
Jerry- It's not a purse, it's a european.

Officer, officer that guy just stole my European.

Officer- Your what?

Jerry- My European!

Officer (With a funny look on his face with a jelly doughnut and some coffee in his hands.) - Uhhhh

Jerry- My purse.
 
Elaine explaining what will happen after sex to the Virgin:

At around 5 a.m., he'll get up and leave. It's like all men become farmers after sex.
 
ciscokid1 said:
Jerry- It's not a purse, it's a european.

Officer, officer that guy just stole my European.

Officer- Your what?

Jerry- My European!

Officer (With a funny look on his face with a jelly doughnut and some coffee in his hands.) - Uhhhh

Jerry- My purse.
Click to expand...

You mean the European CARRYALL! lol
 
Jerry and elaine riding in Jerry's car.......

Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: I think it's B.O.!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: It's B.O. The valet must have had B.O.
Jerry: It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Elaine: Jerry. It's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it
 
I can't belive in light of recent events no one has mentioned that Pakistani guy...............

"Jerry Seinfeld is a berry,berry bad man!!!!"
 
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