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Things Every Guy Must Know
Let's just admit it...It’s a man’s world. And how can we be expected to dominate the world if we don't spew useless mounds of crap to all who will listen? It's not easy being a guy. As a guy, you’re expected to know a lot about a lot of things. But who has time to sift through all the sh#t on the internet and uncover the really critical stuff—like what to do if you’re snake-bit, what is the fastest production car on earth, and the final word on one-handed bra unfastening? We combed a million sources (about three in all honesty) to compile this "definitive" list. From the practical to the intriguing to the sublime, here is a random collection of "things" we think you’ll be very glad to know. That, or it's just a steaming pile of kangaroo dung that has no basis in reality at all.
The just-to-be-sure testicle check
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends you give your balls a once-over once a month. Right after you shower:
1. Stand in front of the mirror and check for swelling on the skin of the scrotum.
2. Roll each testicle between the thumb and index finger; this shouldn’t be painful. Don’t worry if they’re slightly different sizes, but take note if one’s a significantly larger than the other. Feel for lumps.
3. Check the epididymis, the tube behind each testicle. (This ferries sperm from the testis to the outside world.)
4. If you feel pain or find lumps anywhere, see a doctor. You may just have an infection, but it could be the Big C, and getting the news early is absolutely key to keeping trouble at bay. (FYI, women are often the first to detect testicular lumps in their partners.)
How to find and operate the G-spot
The legendary G-spot, long sought by Cortés, Henry Hudson, and Amerigo Vespucci, is a soft, cushiony area in the roof of the vagina. Insert finger, curl it back and up toward her navel, and gently stroke toward the vagina’s opening—there ya go. Some women love this and can even ejaculate a fluid from G-spot stimulation alone (well, that and a Mel Gibson fantasy.) Others find that having this spot touched is irritating or tickles. Note: Choose bride accordingly.
How to keep her pregnancy-free
A woman’s most fertile in the middle of her menstrual cycle, meaning she’s least likely to get pregnant if you bang her just before or just after her period. Particularly if there’s a condom or two on your johnson.
Never rub snow on frostbite, put butter on a burn, or try to “cut out” or suck the poison from a snakebite
All are of the sounds-so-stupid-it-must-be-true school of misguided folk wisdom. Instead: Put frozen extremities in cold water to which you gradually add hot water; clean and carefully bandage burns; and leave snakebites alone, just send for help and stay as still as possible. And try to get some rest—sounds like you had a rough day.
How to preserve meat in the wild
Slice your kill into long, thin strips; knead tons of salt into it; then cover the meat (to keep the flies off) and let it sit for four hours. Spread it out under a hot sun for a few days to dry it, or smoke it over burning green twigs for 24 hours. When dry and shriveled, the meat will last a year and can be eaten right from the jerky bag.
How to grow anthrax in your bathroom
Yeah, right. NOT a chance.
The remedy for poison ivy
Baking soda and water. Lather, rinse, repeat.
How to relieve thirst in the wild
A pebble held in the mouth will stimulate saliva production and kill that dry-mouth feeling. Stay on the lookout for flashing, neon bar signs.
There are seven days in the week because the ancients counted seven “wandering stars” in the heavens
These were sun (Sunday), the moon (Monday), and the five visible planets. Although the planets were all named for Roman gods—Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, and Saturn—the names of our days (apart from Saturn’s day, Saturday) come to us from their Norse counterparts: Tiw’s day, Woden’s day, Thor’s day, and Freya’s day.
To ward off diseases, wear gloves, not a face mask
Handshakes transmit viruses seven times more effectively than sneezes do.
The battle in which the most U.S. military personnel were killed or wounded
Antietam, hands down: September 17, 1862, with a sausage-factory-like 22,726 casualties. A turning point in the Civil War, the battle for this Maryland creek provided the country its bloodiest day ever, partly because it was so pivotal (the Union victory ended Lee’s invasion of the North, turning the tide against the Confederacy), but mostly because Americans fought on both sides and basically blew the sh#t out of each other instead of, you know, the Vietnamese or something. This single day’s work cost more American lives than the Revolution, the War of 1812, the Mexican War, and the Spanish-American War combined. Oh, yeah, and the Gulf war. Nine times as many fell here as bloodied the beaches on D-day. You get the drift.
The fastest production car on earth
The McLaren F1, a bargain at just $1 million, has a top speed something north of 235 mph. It’s also the best accelerator available: Its V-12 lets the F1 rocket to 100 mph in just 3.6 seconds.
Eight quotations every guy should know
“When the candles are out, all women are fair.” —Plutarch
“Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink / For fellows whom it hurts to think.” —A.E. Housman
“Kill the body and the head will die.” —Joe Frazier
“A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.” —Rudyard Kipling
“A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.” —George Patton
“Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.” —Sir Thomas Beecham
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.” —Al Capone
“I swing big, with everything I’ve got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.” —Babe Ruth
10 things we shouldn’t have to tell you
Dance lessons are for girls.
Eggs, corned-beef hash, and Tabasco sauce is the breakfast of the gods.
The Godfather and The Godfather Part II were glorious and magnificent; The Godfather Part III reeked like a burning house made of chicken sh#t and stuffed with dead pigs.
You can have long hair, you can have a mustache, and you can wear a pink shirt, but not all three at the same time. (Actually, lose the pink shirt and mustache.)
The button on the fly of your boxer shorts is just for show.
You flip a steak one time—and one time only.
In reality, Godzilla would beat King Kong’s ass six ways to Sunday. No questions, no contest, just a brutal, one-sided hairy-ass-kicking.
When smashing a beer can on your forehead, don’t forget to pinch the sides before making contact. Otherwise you’ll end up with an embarrassing “reverse coaster” on your noggin that will outlast the hangover.
Don’t help a woman knock your pals. Ever.
Protect the testicles.
How to remember which hand beats which in poker
The troublesome middle range of the hand hierarchy: A full house beats a flush beats a straight. How to remember this rule? Picture a house surrounding a flush toilet that has a straight piece of sh#t floating in it.
When to split cards in blackjack
To truly maximize your odds, memorize every splitting scenario (and everything else) on the probability-based basic strategy chart, which is available in books and on pocket cards wherever gambling’s legal. If you’ve got better things to do, these four rules of thumb do a damned good job in virtually all splitting situations.
Always split 8s or aces. Reasoning: You rid yourself of those bust-friendly 16s or 12s.
Never split 10s (or face cards). Reasoning: Only an idiot would give up a pretty-sure-thing 20.
Never split 4s or 5s. Reasoning: You shouldn’t trade in your good chances at 18s or 20s for pairs of crappy 14s or 15s.
Split any other pair when the dealer has a visible 4, 5, 6, or 7. Reasoning: Never miss a chance to double your bet when the dealer’s likely to bust.
Numbers you should know
Sperm can live in a woman’s body for up to five days.
You have 100,000 or so hairs on your head; you lose between 25 and 125 a day, more if you work at a magazine.
Continental drift amounts to about two centimeters a year.
On the clearest night, under ideal conditions, you can see about 4,000 stars with the naked eye.
70 percent of all women can’t reach orgasm from intercourse alone—or won’t, anyway.
The electricity needed to power a light bulb costs about 1.3¢ an hour.
Your body contains about 23 feet of small intestine and five feet of large intestine, including the smelly part right at the end.
Ejaculate exits your wanger at 12 mph.
How to unclasp a bra with one hand
1. With the palm of your dominant hand facing her, slide your middle finger under the bra strap, right between the clasp and her unbelievable body.
2. Pull the clasp out away from her with your middle finger, and pinch the strap between your thumb and ring finger. Pull your middle finger out, and begin to hum “Moon River.”
3.Slowly snap your fingers to accomplish mission. If she has a double-clasp bra, you may have to snap twice; don’t get flustered. Practice on your best friend's sister if necessary.
8 Things You Don’t Know
Nothing’s more fun than knowing the real scoop and using it to shoot down some misinformed bozo at the bar or gym. In our noble effort to know something about everything, we (guys) have perpetuated some major misconceptions. Let's set the record straight...(on a few of them)
An American, Abner Doubleday, invented baseball. This myth was purposely fabricated by the dangerously patriotic founder of the Spalding sporting goods company in the early 1900s. In reality, 250 years ago the British were playing a primitive version called both “rounders” and “base-ball”, and Jane Austen refers to baseball by name in 1798’s Northanger Abbey, 40 years before its supposed invention at Cooperstown.
The Sphinx’s nose was shot off by Napoleon’s troops. Actually, it was busted off in the 1300s by an Islamic militant who considered it a pagan idol and therefore blasphemous.
A captain of a ship at sea can perform weddings. Seems logical enough, the couple being in international waters and all, but it ain’t true: In fact, U.S. Navy regulations, and those of the navies of many other countries, specifically prohibit ships’ commanders from joining people in marriage.
Your hair and nails continue to grow after you die. Nope—but the fleshy parts of your body recede from your hair and nails, making them appear longer.
Bumblebee flight violates the laws of aerodynamics. Nothing that flies violates the laws of aerodynamics—that’s why they’re laws.
Humans use just 10 percent of their brains... only true of several Gold's Gym members that I know. Because the brain’s highly specialized, we only use a tiny fraction of its cells at any one time—it’s closer to 5 percent—but we use virtually all of it over the course of a day.
Cutting/shaving hair makes it grow faster. Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin: How fast hair grows back, like how quickly a man goes bald, is simply a matter of genetics.
Einstein was a crappy student. You wish. He was gifted at Latin and Greek as a boy, and doing college-level physics at 11. Yes, he got expelled from high school, but only because he couldn’t master French—and as a pre-WWI German, he probably assumed France would be speaking German soon enough anyway.
Presidential succession
Vice president, speaker of the House, president pro tempore of the Senate, then the secretaries of the cabinet positions in the order of their creation (secretary of state, secretary of the Treasury, etc.).
An all-purpose knot worth learning
The bowline (bo-lin), most excellent of all the Boy Scout knots you forgot, is perfect for tying a loop in a string or rope. Whatever size loop you make, it won't slip once drawn tight—which means it’s ideal for dog leashes, bondage restraints, and the like—yet it can be undone easily no matter how tight you've pulled it. Uh, you're gonna have to look this one up... none of us could even figure it out.
Who painted the poker-playing dogs?
Cassius Marcellus Coolidge (1844–1937). The name of the painting is No Monkeying.
Why girth beats length
Most of the vagina’s nerve endings are in its outermost third. As long as you’re not lost in your own pubic hair, you’re probably long enough.
How to win more coin tosses
Always call tails. On U.S. coins, the heads side, with its big, solid portrait, weighs infinitesimally more: In the course of 10,000 tosses, the lighter tails side will come up an extra 50 or so times.
What that weird metallic taste in your mouth when you chew on aluminum foil is Electric current. The aluminum reacts with the water and fillings in your mouth to form a tiny battery.
...See. I wasn't joking. THAT was some pretty useless crap. If you actually made it to the end and are reading this now. I feel sorry for you. If you know of more useless crap that could or should be added here... Let us know. [email protected]
1-916-600-2303 ©2002 Swine / MWD
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things Every Guy Must Know
Let's just admit it...It’s a man’s world. And how can we be expected to dominate the world if we don't spew useless mounds of crap to all who will listen? It's not easy being a guy. As a guy, you’re expected to know a lot about a lot of things. But who has time to sift through all the sh#t on the internet and uncover the really critical stuff—like what to do if you’re snake-bit, what is the fastest production car on earth, and the final word on one-handed bra unfastening? We combed a million sources (about three in all honesty) to compile this "definitive" list. From the practical to the intriguing to the sublime, here is a random collection of "things" we think you’ll be very glad to know. That, or it's just a steaming pile of kangaroo dung that has no basis in reality at all.
The just-to-be-sure testicle check
The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends you give your balls a once-over once a month. Right after you shower:
1. Stand in front of the mirror and check for swelling on the skin of the scrotum.
2. Roll each testicle between the thumb and index finger; this shouldn’t be painful. Don’t worry if they’re slightly different sizes, but take note if one’s a significantly larger than the other. Feel for lumps.
3. Check the epididymis, the tube behind each testicle. (This ferries sperm from the testis to the outside world.)
4. If you feel pain or find lumps anywhere, see a doctor. You may just have an infection, but it could be the Big C, and getting the news early is absolutely key to keeping trouble at bay. (FYI, women are often the first to detect testicular lumps in their partners.)
How to find and operate the G-spot
The legendary G-spot, long sought by Cortés, Henry Hudson, and Amerigo Vespucci, is a soft, cushiony area in the roof of the vagina. Insert finger, curl it back and up toward her navel, and gently stroke toward the vagina’s opening—there ya go. Some women love this and can even ejaculate a fluid from G-spot stimulation alone (well, that and a Mel Gibson fantasy.) Others find that having this spot touched is irritating or tickles. Note: Choose bride accordingly.
How to keep her pregnancy-free
A woman’s most fertile in the middle of her menstrual cycle, meaning she’s least likely to get pregnant if you bang her just before or just after her period. Particularly if there’s a condom or two on your johnson.
Never rub snow on frostbite, put butter on a burn, or try to “cut out” or suck the poison from a snakebite
All are of the sounds-so-stupid-it-must-be-true school of misguided folk wisdom. Instead: Put frozen extremities in cold water to which you gradually add hot water; clean and carefully bandage burns; and leave snakebites alone, just send for help and stay as still as possible. And try to get some rest—sounds like you had a rough day.
How to preserve meat in the wild
Slice your kill into long, thin strips; knead tons of salt into it; then cover the meat (to keep the flies off) and let it sit for four hours. Spread it out under a hot sun for a few days to dry it, or smoke it over burning green twigs for 24 hours. When dry and shriveled, the meat will last a year and can be eaten right from the jerky bag.
How to grow anthrax in your bathroom
Yeah, right. NOT a chance.
The remedy for poison ivy
Baking soda and water. Lather, rinse, repeat.
How to relieve thirst in the wild
A pebble held in the mouth will stimulate saliva production and kill that dry-mouth feeling. Stay on the lookout for flashing, neon bar signs.
There are seven days in the week because the ancients counted seven “wandering stars” in the heavens
These were sun (Sunday), the moon (Monday), and the five visible planets. Although the planets were all named for Roman gods—Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, and Saturn—the names of our days (apart from Saturn’s day, Saturday) come to us from their Norse counterparts: Tiw’s day, Woden’s day, Thor’s day, and Freya’s day.
To ward off diseases, wear gloves, not a face mask
Handshakes transmit viruses seven times more effectively than sneezes do.
The battle in which the most U.S. military personnel were killed or wounded
Antietam, hands down: September 17, 1862, with a sausage-factory-like 22,726 casualties. A turning point in the Civil War, the battle for this Maryland creek provided the country its bloodiest day ever, partly because it was so pivotal (the Union victory ended Lee’s invasion of the North, turning the tide against the Confederacy), but mostly because Americans fought on both sides and basically blew the sh#t out of each other instead of, you know, the Vietnamese or something. This single day’s work cost more American lives than the Revolution, the War of 1812, the Mexican War, and the Spanish-American War combined. Oh, yeah, and the Gulf war. Nine times as many fell here as bloodied the beaches on D-day. You get the drift.
The fastest production car on earth
The McLaren F1, a bargain at just $1 million, has a top speed something north of 235 mph. It’s also the best accelerator available: Its V-12 lets the F1 rocket to 100 mph in just 3.6 seconds.
Eight quotations every guy should know
“When the candles are out, all women are fair.” —Plutarch
“Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink / For fellows whom it hurts to think.” —A.E. Housman
“Kill the body and the head will die.” —Joe Frazier
“A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.” —Rudyard Kipling
“A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.” —George Patton
“Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.” —Sir Thomas Beecham
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.” —Al Capone
“I swing big, with everything I’ve got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.” —Babe Ruth
10 things we shouldn’t have to tell you
Dance lessons are for girls.
Eggs, corned-beef hash, and Tabasco sauce is the breakfast of the gods.
The Godfather and The Godfather Part II were glorious and magnificent; The Godfather Part III reeked like a burning house made of chicken sh#t and stuffed with dead pigs.
You can have long hair, you can have a mustache, and you can wear a pink shirt, but not all three at the same time. (Actually, lose the pink shirt and mustache.)
The button on the fly of your boxer shorts is just for show.
You flip a steak one time—and one time only.
In reality, Godzilla would beat King Kong’s ass six ways to Sunday. No questions, no contest, just a brutal, one-sided hairy-ass-kicking.
When smashing a beer can on your forehead, don’t forget to pinch the sides before making contact. Otherwise you’ll end up with an embarrassing “reverse coaster” on your noggin that will outlast the hangover.
Don’t help a woman knock your pals. Ever.
Protect the testicles.
How to remember which hand beats which in poker
The troublesome middle range of the hand hierarchy: A full house beats a flush beats a straight. How to remember this rule? Picture a house surrounding a flush toilet that has a straight piece of sh#t floating in it.
When to split cards in blackjack
To truly maximize your odds, memorize every splitting scenario (and everything else) on the probability-based basic strategy chart, which is available in books and on pocket cards wherever gambling’s legal. If you’ve got better things to do, these four rules of thumb do a damned good job in virtually all splitting situations.
Always split 8s or aces. Reasoning: You rid yourself of those bust-friendly 16s or 12s.
Never split 10s (or face cards). Reasoning: Only an idiot would give up a pretty-sure-thing 20.
Never split 4s or 5s. Reasoning: You shouldn’t trade in your good chances at 18s or 20s for pairs of crappy 14s or 15s.
Split any other pair when the dealer has a visible 4, 5, 6, or 7. Reasoning: Never miss a chance to double your bet when the dealer’s likely to bust.
Numbers you should know
Sperm can live in a woman’s body for up to five days.
You have 100,000 or so hairs on your head; you lose between 25 and 125 a day, more if you work at a magazine.
Continental drift amounts to about two centimeters a year.
On the clearest night, under ideal conditions, you can see about 4,000 stars with the naked eye.
70 percent of all women can’t reach orgasm from intercourse alone—or won’t, anyway.
The electricity needed to power a light bulb costs about 1.3¢ an hour.
Your body contains about 23 feet of small intestine and five feet of large intestine, including the smelly part right at the end.
Ejaculate exits your wanger at 12 mph.
How to unclasp a bra with one hand
1. With the palm of your dominant hand facing her, slide your middle finger under the bra strap, right between the clasp and her unbelievable body.
2. Pull the clasp out away from her with your middle finger, and pinch the strap between your thumb and ring finger. Pull your middle finger out, and begin to hum “Moon River.”
3.Slowly snap your fingers to accomplish mission. If she has a double-clasp bra, you may have to snap twice; don’t get flustered. Practice on your best friend's sister if necessary.
8 Things You Don’t Know
Nothing’s more fun than knowing the real scoop and using it to shoot down some misinformed bozo at the bar or gym. In our noble effort to know something about everything, we (guys) have perpetuated some major misconceptions. Let's set the record straight...(on a few of them)
An American, Abner Doubleday, invented baseball. This myth was purposely fabricated by the dangerously patriotic founder of the Spalding sporting goods company in the early 1900s. In reality, 250 years ago the British were playing a primitive version called both “rounders” and “base-ball”, and Jane Austen refers to baseball by name in 1798’s Northanger Abbey, 40 years before its supposed invention at Cooperstown.
The Sphinx’s nose was shot off by Napoleon’s troops. Actually, it was busted off in the 1300s by an Islamic militant who considered it a pagan idol and therefore blasphemous.
A captain of a ship at sea can perform weddings. Seems logical enough, the couple being in international waters and all, but it ain’t true: In fact, U.S. Navy regulations, and those of the navies of many other countries, specifically prohibit ships’ commanders from joining people in marriage.
Your hair and nails continue to grow after you die. Nope—but the fleshy parts of your body recede from your hair and nails, making them appear longer.
Bumblebee flight violates the laws of aerodynamics. Nothing that flies violates the laws of aerodynamics—that’s why they’re laws.
Humans use just 10 percent of their brains... only true of several Gold's Gym members that I know. Because the brain’s highly specialized, we only use a tiny fraction of its cells at any one time—it’s closer to 5 percent—but we use virtually all of it over the course of a day.
Cutting/shaving hair makes it grow faster. Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin: How fast hair grows back, like how quickly a man goes bald, is simply a matter of genetics.
Einstein was a crappy student. You wish. He was gifted at Latin and Greek as a boy, and doing college-level physics at 11. Yes, he got expelled from high school, but only because he couldn’t master French—and as a pre-WWI German, he probably assumed France would be speaking German soon enough anyway.
Presidential succession
Vice president, speaker of the House, president pro tempore of the Senate, then the secretaries of the cabinet positions in the order of their creation (secretary of state, secretary of the Treasury, etc.).
An all-purpose knot worth learning
The bowline (bo-lin), most excellent of all the Boy Scout knots you forgot, is perfect for tying a loop in a string or rope. Whatever size loop you make, it won't slip once drawn tight—which means it’s ideal for dog leashes, bondage restraints, and the like—yet it can be undone easily no matter how tight you've pulled it. Uh, you're gonna have to look this one up... none of us could even figure it out.
Who painted the poker-playing dogs?
Cassius Marcellus Coolidge (1844–1937). The name of the painting is No Monkeying.
Why girth beats length
Most of the vagina’s nerve endings are in its outermost third. As long as you’re not lost in your own pubic hair, you’re probably long enough.
How to win more coin tosses
Always call tails. On U.S. coins, the heads side, with its big, solid portrait, weighs infinitesimally more: In the course of 10,000 tosses, the lighter tails side will come up an extra 50 or so times.
What that weird metallic taste in your mouth when you chew on aluminum foil is Electric current. The aluminum reacts with the water and fillings in your mouth to form a tiny battery.
...See. I wasn't joking. THAT was some pretty useless crap. If you actually made it to the end and are reading this now. I feel sorry for you. If you know of more useless crap that could or should be added here... Let us know. [email protected]
1-916-600-2303 ©2002 Swine / MWD
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