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THeMaCHinE
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EF Newswire, recent developments
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In a stunning development, police today learned of an insurance hoax perpetrated by a would-be nice guy, fantom1, and a now deceased squirrel.
In any case, Blaster the Squirrel is not dead. After a thorough autopsy, it was discovered that the deceased was in fact a grey Algerian squirrel, while Blaster was a North American Redwoods squirrel. Appearance-wise the resemblance was uncanny.
THE REAL BLASTER
THE DECEASED IMPOSTER
The phantom-like appearance of a dead squirrel, xanax and a nine-millimeter, might have fooled most stations, but Roger Tasler, Detective 5th precinct had doubts from the beginning.
"It might have gone off smoothly, except for the suicide note," said Tasler, "when the note went on and on about how nice the fantom1 was, we knew it was suspect."
Apparently between 1996 and today, Blaster the Squirrel had 52 separate calls into the 5th precinct. Most of them in complaint of the fantom1 window peeking, going through his garbage, masturbating in public and making harassing calls.
"Unfortunately, we're busy most of the time with human calls, we just don't have the time for complaints filed by squirrels," said Tasler, "that doesn't make the fantom1 any less sick though. You should see some of the crap we found at his economy apartment on the South side. Child-porn, bull whips encrusted with semen and feces, XXL grannie underwear with skid marks… the list goes on."
IN THE MIND OF A SICKO PERVERT – police today unearthed strange artwork at the fantom1's lair that indicates his morbid fascination with squirrels.
The identity of the dead squirrel is still a mystery, authorities believe it might have been Craig the Squirrel, brother of Karl the Squirrel, who admitted to a strange love triangle with the fantom1 over the course of last year.
"Yeah, Craig's a real low-life," said Tasler, "a real humdinger if you know what I mean. He's in the local ER all the time getting his ass stitched up after rough gay sex. Probably right up fantom1's alley…"
THE FANTOM1'S LOVER AND PARTNER IN CRIME – Craig the squirrel. Authorities suspect that fantom may have bought insurance on Blaster, killed Craig and tried to pass it off as a suicide by Blaster.
The real Blaster went into seclusion over a year ago. Sources close to Blaster said he was terrified of being sodomized by fantom and went into seclusion when the police wouldn't help him.
"That's probably why fantom1 didn't get at the real Blaster," said Tasler, "couldn't find him."
DON'T TRUST A THING FANTOM SAYS – said Aurora Tibealis, a cross-dressing, she-male squirrel monkey. I hung with fantom1 back in the early 90s. I thought he loved me. I soon learned different. Between all the drugs, wild sex parties, and Mazola and hide the sausage evenings, I learned he was just using me. I hide now too, but I couldn't stay quiet when I sas this story… Nobody could ever thank fantom1 the way they did in that letter…
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In a stunning development, police today learned of an insurance hoax perpetrated by a would-be nice guy, fantom1, and a now deceased squirrel.
In any case, Blaster the Squirrel is not dead. After a thorough autopsy, it was discovered that the deceased was in fact a grey Algerian squirrel, while Blaster was a North American Redwoods squirrel. Appearance-wise the resemblance was uncanny.
THE REAL BLASTER
THE DECEASED IMPOSTER
The phantom-like appearance of a dead squirrel, xanax and a nine-millimeter, might have fooled most stations, but Roger Tasler, Detective 5th precinct had doubts from the beginning.
"It might have gone off smoothly, except for the suicide note," said Tasler, "when the note went on and on about how nice the fantom1 was, we knew it was suspect."
Apparently between 1996 and today, Blaster the Squirrel had 52 separate calls into the 5th precinct. Most of them in complaint of the fantom1 window peeking, going through his garbage, masturbating in public and making harassing calls.
"Unfortunately, we're busy most of the time with human calls, we just don't have the time for complaints filed by squirrels," said Tasler, "that doesn't make the fantom1 any less sick though. You should see some of the crap we found at his economy apartment on the South side. Child-porn, bull whips encrusted with semen and feces, XXL grannie underwear with skid marks… the list goes on."
IN THE MIND OF A SICKO PERVERT – police today unearthed strange artwork at the fantom1's lair that indicates his morbid fascination with squirrels.
The identity of the dead squirrel is still a mystery, authorities believe it might have been Craig the Squirrel, brother of Karl the Squirrel, who admitted to a strange love triangle with the fantom1 over the course of last year.
"Yeah, Craig's a real low-life," said Tasler, "a real humdinger if you know what I mean. He's in the local ER all the time getting his ass stitched up after rough gay sex. Probably right up fantom1's alley…"
THE FANTOM1'S LOVER AND PARTNER IN CRIME – Craig the squirrel. Authorities suspect that fantom may have bought insurance on Blaster, killed Craig and tried to pass it off as a suicide by Blaster.
The real Blaster went into seclusion over a year ago. Sources close to Blaster said he was terrified of being sodomized by fantom and went into seclusion when the police wouldn't help him.
"That's probably why fantom1 didn't get at the real Blaster," said Tasler, "couldn't find him."
DON'T TRUST A THING FANTOM SAYS – said Aurora Tibealis, a cross-dressing, she-male squirrel monkey. I hung with fantom1 back in the early 90s. I thought he loved me. I soon learned different. Between all the drugs, wild sex parties, and Mazola and hide the sausage evenings, I learned he was just using me. I hide now too, but I couldn't stay quiet when I sas this story… Nobody could ever thank fantom1 the way they did in that letter…
