Dealing with depression

[DrBones]

About 4 months ago, myself and my girlfriend of 2.5 years split up... mutually... About a week later, I realized this wasn't what I wanted, and when back to her trying to get back together. She said no... she was seeing a new guy...
For the record, we didnt have even the slightest of messy breakups... It VERY CLEAN.

Anyways, the first few weeks were absolute HELL, contstant crying and wanting to die and then I stopped talking to her and things started to become better and more clear. I started writing all my bad thoughts in a journal. After about a month I decided we could talk and maybe hang out occasionally... So we went and got some pictures with Santa.
She has a new boyfriend as of well, about a week after we broke up(thats when she started seeing him) so its not like I can just try and beg her to get back together. Anyways, this absolutely FUCKIN killed me for the next couple of weeks and christmas time got VERY depressing for me. For christmas, I gave her some nice Pajamas, wrote her a very nice letter telling her how much I miss her and always will love her, and burned her the sarah mclauclan song "I will remember you" and put a couple nice pictures of us together in the case. The last time I talked to her and actually heard her voice was xmas day when I called to wish her a merry xmas... I havnt talked to her since.
On top of all this, my mother is having huge problems with her husband and are breaking up and my contract expired with the government on Jan 31. I'm takin 1 class a week in school on saturdays and have HUGE ammounts of time on my hands.
THis girl is invading my dreams.. I have dreams where I beg her to get back together.. I have dreams where we are together.. I just dream about her constantly...
I've met and dated a TON of girls in the last 4 months, but nothing really intrigues me or gets the butterfly feeling stirring as my ex is always in the back of my mind.

I know me and my ex has some serious problems too... but they seem so incignificant now...
Stuff like
-She was VERY unaffectionate... uninterested in intimacy... Her mom brought her up to think its gross I think
-She was very unwilling to change a lot of little things that bothered me...
-Her family was very odd... It almost seemed like her parents were together for the kids.... The mom didn't work and spent TONS of money on clothes for my ex and her sister and blew thousands contantly replacing furnature and renovations on the house... Husband made a lot of money but just stayed and watched TV in the basement while the wife stayed up stairs... Minimal communication.. which I could see transfering over to the ex which would make me a very sad man if we ever got married...
I'm under the immpression your wife is pretty much supposed to be your best friend... I dont see getting married as something you do just because... You do it because you love spending a LOT of time with this person and you want to be with them and have a friend relationship as well as a loving/intimate one..

Do these problems seem big or do you think there would be potential for fixing them? I'm 21 and don't have my own place yet... I know she is very paranoid of people walkin in on us.. and that limited how often she was interested in being intimate.. but I think there may also be underlying issues....


I've kind of got on a tangent here... but this was more of a venting thing than anything else... I need some sort of advice that doesnt involve drugs... This is making me depressed to the point I almost want to die... I know this is a terrible thing to say... but the biggest factor in preventing me is the ammount of mental anguish and sadness this would cause other people who love me.

I feel like I'm basically at Rock bottom of negative things that could be going on in my life... If anybody has any advice... please.. feel free to help me out...

Thanks for listening..

 

[dballer]

I went through that shit.. it lasted 3 years.

It will never leave you alone unless you let it. I feel sorry for you man. That is a hard case to crack.

Good luck.

 

[HumorMe]

Did as much thought and love go into the Christmas present she gave you?

 

[MkZk]

Ok. I know it hurts. I've experienced something similar. But listen. Fuck man! So many people have gone through, are going through and will go through what u are going through now! It's part of life.

U gotta meet other chicks. It's a best way to get over her. I'm not saying that you'll get over her fast or soon, but being with another girl surely helps the situation.

 

[DrBones]

Did as much thought and love go into the Christmas present she gave you?

She never gave a xmas present... She gave me something when I came by on xmas eve...

She gave $15 gift certificate to a cd store... she said it was because she felt bad my car got broken into 2 times in the last month...

Was a little sad about that.... she told me I was her best friend weeks after we broke up.... Thats what hurts the most is that it seems like she really doesn't care... and that the last 2+ years seems like it meant nothing to her... where it feels like I built my life around her and our future...

I tell her I miss her whenever I see her, and she says the same thing... but I just don't feel like we are even close to being on the same level

 

[DrBones]

U gotta meet other chicks. It's a best way to get over her. I'm not saying that you'll get over her fast or soon, but being with another girl surely helps the situation

I have honestly hung out with, and dated probably close to 8 girls since we broke up... I just can't seem to find somebody who makes my heart skip a beat.... If they are sub-par (not in looks) I compare them to the ex... I'm worried I'll never find somebody... It REALLY scares the shit out of me...

 

[Puddles]

2 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone, especially at your age. Really, nothing but time will help. You'll suffer through the next few months. No one thing will make you feel better right now. It's going to be a learning process...learning to be alone, learning how to find new things to occupy your mind, learning to be happy again without her. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, she will invade your thoughts. She will be in your dreams. This is just how it is when you love someone and suddenly they're gone. But believe me, as time progresses, it will happen less and less often and you will begin to find joy in your life again. If there are things around your place that remind you of her, tuck them away or get rid of them. Get a new set of sheets for your bed, don't watch the same shows you watched together, don't listen to the same songs you listened together. Make some good changes in your daily routine. Take up a new hobby...even if it's something as silly as going to the book store on Tuesday nights...find something you can enjoy doing alone.

Good luck...it's not an easy road you're on, but eventually it will be better. Never give up. The pain you'll be going through now will eventually become a blurry memory when enough time has passed. Talking about it can help too...just getting stuff off your chest can be a relief...weather it's here on the boards or with a close friend...don't be afraid to express yourself.

 

[HumorMe]

She never gave a xmas present... She gave me something when I came by on xmas eve...

She gave $15 gift certificate to a cd store... she said it was because she felt bad my car got broken into 2 times in the last month...

Was a little sad about that.... she told me I was her best friend weeks after we broke up.... Thats what hurts the most is that it seems like she really doesn't care... and that the last 2+ years seems like it meant nothing to her... where it feels like I built my life around her and our future...

I tell her I miss her whenever I see her, and she says the same thing... but I just don't feel like we are even close to being on the same level

You obviously put a lot into her present and that is what I am trying to point out. It's not materialistic thing but she just gave you something anybody could have given you.

I think you are wasting your time and energy on something that is not there. She's got you on the ropes and she is playing you.

People change when they are apart or no longer involved with each other. I thinnk if you take a hard look at her, you won't recognize her.

All of us have been through this and you just have to put it behind you. Tough call but it's for the best.

A couple of years from now, you will look back and call yourself a fool for being the way you are now.

Good luck!

 

[DrBones]

Thanks for the responses puddles and humorme...
I really hope this eventually goes away...

I really want this girl in my life.... I still love her to death... I'd love to even be friends with her... which is very easily possible... I'm just too concerned about my feelings being constantly toyed with. This is the reason I havnt been talkin to her... I want my feelings to subside before I go back to her....

Do you think its worth trying to have a friendship with her? We don't fight... I occasionally try to take shots at her boyfriend to her due to massive jealousy... but she doesn't really seem to defend him.

Is this something that in 10 years I'm going to think about her and think how much I love and miss her still..

I feel like I may have wasted all these years with this girl... I feel like I kind of helped mold her into who she is today and now somebody else is enjoying the fruits of my labour... She was a lot different when I met her...

I feel like somebody has stolen my car that I invested thousands and thousands of dollars and hours into, and now somebody else is enjoying it.... while I'm going to have to go back to the dealership and pickup a lesser model... (again, im not talking about looks)

I get a lot of relief from working out... but I can't workout everyday...

Since I'm unemployed right now.. I have so much time on my hands during the day... sitting at home on the computer just gets my thoughts bubbling... If I hang out with most of my friends who are unemployed... all they want to do is drink or smoke pot... not something very productive... so its pretty much, stay at home and be depressed, or hang out with people who aren't really heading in a good direction.... I DON'T want to head down that path....


ARGG..... This has honestly got to be the worst combination of negative things going on simulatenously ever.... Its hard to start a new hobbie when your bank account is pretty shallow...

I feel like such a baby for whining... I'm sorry for rubbin this shit in all of your faces

 

[DrBones]

I think one of my biggest problems is in my head I tell myself we WILL get back together.....

How can I get rid of this....

Also..

It kills me.. REALLY kills me to think what somebody else is doing to her....

I would have died for this girl......

 

[Big Johnson]

Let her go. She doesn't feel the same for you, and she's doing you a favor by letting you go.

If she was seeing a guy so soon after breaking things off with you, you know things will never be the same between the two of you. Learn how to live without her again.

 

[DrBones]

Speak of the devil... I havnt talked to her in close to a month and guess who pops on MSN to say hi...
Fuck...
I told her that I missed her and stuff and she just says sorry...
FUCK HER...
I wish i hated her so badly...........
I wish i could scream on here to yell it as well...


I've decided to start hating her.....

I want to go and pound the shit out of her 140 lb new boyfriend... grrr.... that would be a good start maybe....

See how that works

 

[MkZk]

I was with my ex for 2.5 years too. It's been a year, and not a day goes by when I don't feel some heartache. But like I said, this is life. And I accept this and even welcome it. Because it has made me a better person.

Try to change a negative into a positive. It's hard, but you can do it.

 

[Lumberg]

5-HTP

JC

 

[TC2]

I went through that shit.. it lasted 3 years.

It will never leave you alone unless you let it. I feel sorry for you man. That is a hard case to crack.

Good luck.

The hard truth right here. you have to make yourse;f let go.

 

[DrBones]

5-HTP

What is that?

 

[TC2]

DrBones you got PM

 

[ariolanine]

People don't change bro. Your personality is set before the age of 10. A few details will change after puberty, but that's it. What you see is what you get. Her family is fucked up and that can also be a problem. It sounds like you are more infatuated than in love. I know it sucks and I've been there. There is nothing that will kill the pain except time.

 

[marky]

Bro, I have to say this- youve lost your SELF. Shes got you chasing after her to get what ever tidbits she tosses. Only way any woman is going to want you is when you are a confident
self directed guy. The woman is second or third. If she or any other woman sees this they will be attracted to you. Your life, you in control(believe me this is what women want a strong self to support them). Get on with life. If she ever comes back, youll be strong and confident enough to say you were then not now.
Feel the power feel the strength and feel good.

 

[ThePolishHammer]

Well... I just broke up with my GF a few weeks ago. Best thing to ever happen to me. I was goin out with her for 2 years. we broke up and got back together, on and off for the last while of it. but you know how it ended. She called the cops on me! I came over to her house without a jacket, in the fuckin freezing cold. I was in a t-shirt. I didnt expected to be huffed out in the cold. Anyway, i told her i really didnt want to be in limbo anymore, and that we should break things off cold turkey. She went ape shit, and kicked me out. I told her to at least let me call my friend and wait for a ride. She said no and still tried to huff me out, but i picked up the phone, called my buddy, but he couldnt be there for an hour. So i told her i was stayin inside till then. Sooo... she calls the cops! fuckin great!
anyway, basically. The fuzz came to my house afterwards to talk to me. and the guy tells me "look you really didnt do anything we can charge you with here, technically staying their after you were told to leave is illegal, but theres nothing we can do about it. And listen, how old are you"
"19"
"Okay, dont waste your life with her, dont talk to her anymore, i dont know what the deal is, but shes just gonna get you in trouble, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. And if she cries wolf again, and says you did something more serious, you could get in some major trouble, so just stay away"
Anyway, so i did, and i had to realize that shes not a part of my life anymore... going back to her is not an option. So instead of thinking about her, trying to win her back or going back to her when i want some company. Im doing other things. But just generally not looking at her as something i can go back to. As far as im concerned... to me, shes functionally dead. I cant speak to her interact with her or anything. And Im gettin over her pretty fast that way.
And seeing your ex on a regular basis probably dosent help. Cause i can promise you right now, even though im not thinkin about her much. If i went back to her house and we sat down together id be hooked in a second. And id probably have to go through the whole mental process again.

I always thought this cold-turkey philosophy of breakin up was bullshit. Especially if youve spent serious time with them. you should at least keep them as a friend or aquaintance... but it dosent work. from my very limited expierience.
Cut it off cold-turkey man. Itll sting like shit, but youll be better faster then you will hangin onto her like this.

Just my two cents, take for what its worth. And thats the expierience of one 19 year old with one long term relationship.

 

[vinylgroover]

You were with her for 21/2 years yet she found another guy within 1 week of you breaking up with her.

Does that not tell you something about her perhaps and where she's at in her life right now..........maybe she's not right for you after all, and your gut instinct to break up with her was in fact the right choice.

Never look back my friend.......i know it's hard, but you always have to move forward. Give yourself time and keep occupied most of all to keep your mind off it. There are no secrets, just time.

Good luck.

 

[p0ink]

i know it's not easy to just 'forget about them', so i wont even offer that advice. however, i do suggest you stop all forms of communication with her. block her phone number/email/IM/etc. and especially do not contact her. this will only make you look deperate and pathetic, which no one will respect, especially her. the longer you do this, the easier it becomes. out of sight, out of mind.

instead of sitting around in a stagnant pool of depression, use this negative energy you have to improve yourself and become a better person than when you were with her. by improving yourself, you increase your chances of finding an even better person to be with.

keep yourself as busy as possible. take more classes at school, join some martial arts, lift harder, just keep pushing yourself.

 

[marky]

Karma to ya VG good advice. Couldnt give you some points Said I had to spread my karma around WTF?

 

[vinylgroover]

Karma to ya VG good advice. Couldnt give you some points Said I had to spread my karma around WTF?

No prob marky, thanks bro

 

[DrBones]

Thanks for all the advice guys...
I'm gunna rip down all our pictures today I think.. Its sad.. but.. Im sick of this shit.

Snap out of it -- you say you have no problem meeting and dating women...well go out and occupy your time with NEW women. Keep at it. The only cure for an old love is a new love. Go have some good sex

I'm talking to two females right now.... One of which we were approaching a relationship and I decided to back out... I'm freaked out by relationships now.... I'm very nervous of getting into another one where I'm not happy, then want out, then experience this shit again...
The other one... well, I met her at a club.. who knows what will happen with her... I won't get my hopes up over a bar chick....

The good sex thing... did that too.. with one girl about 2 months ago... was a good time... but after taking 2 years off of messing around with random girls.. I get a little anxiety when we hop in the sack.... I'm not the type of guy who goes around fuckin a pile of random girls... I hate leading people on....

Believe it or not, I'm extremely confident in myself in public, thats generally how I meet a lot of girls... the only person I show lack of confidence to is my stupid ex... Sometimes I try to talk to my friends about it... but I'm usually mr.happy go lucky can do anything in the world... and they just dont know what to say about it.... I have friends who are depressed, and it really doesn't add up too well when there are a gang of depressed people... so I tend not to show it.

Today has been a massive emotional rollercoaster.......
I've been happy, sad, depressed, ragin pissed, road raging(that was the fun part.. lol) and right now, I'm just kind of numb... Not really happy, not really sad...

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. No one, especially women, like self-loathers.

I'm definitely aware that women are far and away from being attracted to depressed self loathing sorry excuses for humans... Any girl I meet... I don't tell them about my baggage.. lol...

instead of sitting around in a stagnant pool of depression, use this negative energy you have to improve yourself and become a better person than when you were with her. by improving yourself, you increase your chances of finding an even better person to be with.

I have been channeling a lot of energy into my workouts... actually working out has always been one of my biggest stress reliefs.. I ALWAYS feel 100x better when I get back from the gym.. hell, even when I'm in the gym... However, today was an off day.. didn't get to burn off my steam... I need to find some other hobbies that don't involve a lot of caloric cosumption...


Thanks for all the other advice, Vinyl Groover, Polish Hammer, Marky, P0ink, ariolanine, and anybody else who contributed...
I'm going to ravage through my room and take down everything related to her... I think I'll wait until Im in a bad mood or upset though as I really dont feel like remembering stuff right now...

Thanks again

 

[Lumberg]

What is that?

It's an OTC antidepressant. It's a direct precursor to serotonin. Try a search for more info.

JC

 

[havoc]

This is a learning experience for you, to help you in the future, you saying shit like " I want to die " "I'm depressed" etc. come on my man, you are stronger than that, you should not let 500 people get you down let alone 1 girl, do you see that you are letting one person defeat you here, what the hell kind of garbage is that? Don't "hate" anyone, just understand others, buck the fuck up. peace

 

[marky]

Step ouside of yourself and look closey at yourself. Ask your self this question, Do I look and act and feel like a good candidate for any woman I chose? Would you be interested in a emotional unstable woman whos constantly ligering on the past? I m just pointing out reality, bro. See things from many angles and perspective if its understanding that you want-Marky

 

[georgie24]

nice responses guys!!

 

[john937]

You 've got too much time on your hands and nothing to fill it with,
so of course your mind drifts back to thoughts of this.
You need to find something that excites you, takes up your time, something worth doing.
Like finding a job, getting an apartment, getting on with your life, mabe even moving to another city.
Anything, so long as you find it exciting and worth putting your whole enery into.
You start thinking about something that excites you, you won't think another thought about this.

 

[Machiavellian Muscle]

Based on your information provided and my life experience this is my synopsis:

You got too comfortable.
She has been cheating on you with this other man before you broke up with her or she would not be so serious so soon.
You are attracted to the ideal vision of who you think she is or was but not who she is.

Moving forward. You need to stop writing letters trying to be nestalgic, romantic etc. and move on with your life. Drop all contact with her. This is easy imagine if you had a kid with her an and you had to stay around. Do some soul searching and find yourself and regain your confidence. Confidence is what women are attracted to most. You sound very insecure and she will not want you because you are no challenge.

 

[DrBones]

Hey guys,
I appreciate all the help... its really given me a new perspective on the whole situation... I took down all her pictures last night... and I said to myself... "Fuck her, I don't need her, we are NEVER getting back together, find somebody new.. Shes Done"
Every time I think of her, I think that sentance over and over.. and it prevents me from getting into any ruts...
I guess thats all there is to it.... For the time being anyways...That and hope she doesn't call or IM me...
Well, I'm off to get some food... hopefully I get a hot watress...
THanks for all the input everybody...
Ryan

 

[MkZk]

Yeah, that's it man!

Think of yourself. So many girls out there. U'll get to meet one who will make u real happy. And if some other don't, it's cool too. U gain experience in life. Of course, you will inevitable miss your ex sometimes. But moving on is a 2 step forward, 1 step backward thing. But eventually, you'll get over her completely.

 

[polarpixie]

DrBones what exactly did you like about her? From what I read, there were alot of things that you didn't like about her and that you wouldn't be happy with in the long run. On top of that, she started seeing someone a week after you two broke up? There is something very wrong with that picture.

She only got you a gift certificate for Christmas after all the thought you put into her gift? I'm sorry but you are wasting your time if you spend one more minute being sad about you not being together anymore. You should be happy. What exactly has she done for you lately? Love is a two-way street. You should get back what you give, and if you are giving more than you are receiving, there is a problem.

I understand how you feel. You want to hold on to her because you spent so much time and energy into this relationship and you'd hate to think that you did all of that for nothing, but from an objective point of view, it sounds like it was a more of a relationship of convenience rather than anything that actually provided with you with true joy.

Don't worry. You will get over it once you take the blinders off and realize how much she was not worth the heartache you feel now.

 

[marky]

Right on move on

You want to be thought of as a one person women just yet?
Think about it. Dont lose your drift. Im sure you know of at least several other candidates for your attention so go for it!

 

[HumorMe]

Gad you got your thoughts and actions under control.

My bet is that when you do find someone to date and get serious with(in the immediate future), she will see this and it will piss her off and she will try and regain control of you.

That's when you just look at her and smile and say, "You had your chance and it's gone."

Good luck Bones.

 

[Puddles]

You need a cheap way to spend some time? The public library is free! Go find a subject that interests you...maybe two or three things (ie. cars, lifting, dog breeds). Find some books and read and learn as much as you can about it/them. They will even have books on relationships and depression...they may be of some help to you right now.