Confused, sick. Any help would be great

[jnevin]

I know there's no definite answer to this, and without the whole story it's hard to know what to say, but whatever. I've been married for three years now, and living with her for seven. For the past two years I've been having serious doubts about us. I kind of didn't want to get married in the first place, but I think that was because relationships in my family have been abusive. Too much info? Anyway, I started a new career 4-5 years ago, and after a rough beginning I was doing very well. She didn't have to pay for a thing, we were having fun, life was good. The company I was working for went under, and I had to start over. I'm doing well again, but still getting caught up. I didn't get paid for the last 2 months I worked at my last place b/c he filed for BK. No one got their money. During this whole time, she knew what the situation was and kept spending. I got into retarded debt. I got depressed, was drinking alot, we weren't intimate. For over a year now, work has been steady. I don't have a shitload to burn, but that's because it's going toward debt. Since then she's warmed back up to me, but I feel nothing. We've grown apart, and I don't know if I'm even interested in trying to fix it. It's not like I was wealthy when we met, neither one of us had shit. I haven't had sex in 6 months (try not to wince, I've got forearms like Popeye). I've quit drinking, cut back at work to minimize stress, and gone to counseling to see why I'm fucked in the head. My drive is gone when I look at her, and she's beautiful. She has a body like a fitness model, and she's a trainer so it's not like she'll pack on a ton any time soon. I've never felt like this before. I've never cheated, it never seriously entered my mind; but I feel like I've got to do something. Anyone ever gone through something like this? Sorry to show my ass like this, but I have few friends left out here. They've either moved away, turned Mormon, or got lost in drugs. Not good ones like AAS.

 

[IwouldSlamU]

Man you guys need to talk, dont say you dont like her anymore....relationships are work...try to make it fun, go on a hike.....send her flowers....you might need a reality check to how shitty sooo many people are.

 

[IwouldSlamU]

does she not want to sleep with you anymore

 

[help4john]

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger on this one! All of us "married folk" have been there at one point or another. Certainly financial difficulty causes considerable strain on any relationship but your situation is slowly rectifying itself. Relationships often go in cycles....sorry to say that you seem at the bottom of your cycle. The good news....no where to go but up!

I've been there and done that...no fun along the way (for either of you). Here's what worked for me:

1) Flowers - don't spend a lot of money. Those from the corner grocery store will be fine. Hell, you can even pick your own. It's the thought that counts. (I send flowers to my wife's work once a week)
2) Mail her a card or leave one for her. Not a "mushy" one .... just one to let her know that you appreciate her. (I do this once per week)
3) Make the bed and lie some chocolate (Symphony Bar, Hershey's Bar, etc.) on the pillow case. And make the bed everyday! (I make the bed everyday and keep 1/2 dozen candy bars handy)
4) When was the last time you had a night out? Don't worry about debt for this one....what the hell is the sense of living life if you can't have any fun along the way. (At least once per week)

My guess is that intimacy has a good chance after step 4. Six months off isn't all that bad....but it's time to kiss and make-up. Here's a thought.....I wonder how she feels about all this? Might as well get all this stuff in the open communication chanel so you both are watching the same show!

From all us "married folk" good luck!

Remember that wealth comes with age.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[Gymgurl]

Talk To Her!!!

 

[jerseyart]

You're carrying a lot of resentment bor.

No one can tell you what to do with the rest of your life. But make a choice. Seems like you want an excuse to do both what you want and stay in the marriage. Choose

I doubt your choice will be to leave her. Your post reads more along the lines of someone who wants to exact some petty vengeneance, make her pay for for the ways you perceive she hurt you. What will that accomplish?

Talk to her and try to work things out. That will also require that you put behind you what transpired before. You're just getting your life ack together, don't start another downward trek by introducing an unnecessary and destructive element like an affair into your life. The "good feeling" probably wont last as long as it takes you to put your pants back on, and the other woman isn't the savior you might imagine. Just another fucked up broad willing to let some married guy diddle her.There's a basis for long term success.

 

[bran987]

did you try to cut off her credit cards or ask her to stop while she was draining you during the company's bankruptcy or did she just not care
debt can ruin relationships, if she knowingly put you too deep in debt I'd be resentful too
why did you not have sex while you were broke was it your idea or hers

this time while starting over you need to follow the sound financial advice of before you ever put a penny into investments of any kind, save up at least 6 to as much as 8 months of bills in a money market account for emergencies such as the one you encountered. not clothes entertainment food but mortgage phone bills etc.
your marriage wouldn't be on the ropes if you had this so it is a little your fault and a little hers too.
in fact, save up a couple months of expenses now before you even go all out on the debt or if the same thing happens again you won't be able to get through it this time.

 

[SCK]

Jnevin, firstly admitting that you have problems or that problems exist is a good start. Counselling approach is also good, I hope that you've got yourself a dedicated and understanding one- you need one right now.

I think a big key to this problem is communication as some of the other boardmembers have suggested. Some of the things you need to find out is: Is she FULLY aware of what's in your mind? How you feel everytime you come back from work?, from counselling sessions, from home to bed lying next to her?

It seems to me that there isn't very much communication here. I am not sure if you are basically stuck or you have the fear of confronting this very apparent problem with your wife.

Either way, do not feel as if there is no solution, nothing can be changed or that you are doomed forever because that is simply false thinking errors. When you are down and things get low in life, your perceptions to things surrounding you changes without you even realizing it(subconsciously). Interpretations to cues, stimuli, events, people and communication messages change more often to negativity (sometimes neutrality) as supposed to positivity.

So, if things seemed down and there is no solution it is merely your negative perception.

What you need to do is to confront this with your wife. If she is who you love, she ought to understand your situation. What kind of a relationship is it if it isn't a fully reciprocated one? Tell her what is going on, don't be afraid or shy of her jugdements. She is your WIFE God Damn it! Tell her exactly how you feel and what is going through your mind.

When I was reading your post, I not only sensed an urgency for help, but I sensed some depression too. Dude, I DON'T want to see you like this. As another fellow human being, I wish that you would get up, pick up the pieces left and work TOGETHER with it. Communication, mutual understanding, mutual support for ongoing relationships and work with it together. If she understands you and TRULY loves you, she'll know when she needs to change, that includes changing her spending lifestlye for whom she loves.

Also I suggest identify exactly (on a piece of paper) where & what the sources of problems are coming from:
eg:
(1) Work - Unfulfilled salary
(2) Wife - Ignorace and Unsupportive
(3) Isolation - Not much energy nor desire to share this with my other friends or get all kinds of help possible.
etc

Work your way towards each at a time. One by one.

You may start with number (2) Communicating with your wife first, it is significant that you have your loved one by your side. Don't feel as if you need to be macho now, you NEED comfort, direction and guidance in which counselling can help to an extent but your wife is certainly an important contributor.

Regarding intimacy & sex life, just because you're not having sex with a fitness-body wife doesn't mean there's something wrong.
In times of stress, of course testosterone declines, sex drives is affected tremendously. For depressed people, sex is never on their mind. So, please don't view this as if you're never going to have anymore hot sex in your life (BECAUSE you WILL! I 100% BELIEVE YOU WILL.)

How old are you bro? Ok, saw your profile, you are 29. Dude, you have so much more going for you in life ahead. Ask yourself what kind of life you would like to possess and live in one within the next couple of years. Set goals, work your way towards it and acheive it.

Jnevin, out of the whole message I found this to be the most powerful statement:
"We've grown apart, and I don't know if I'm even interested in trying to fix it".

Bro, try doing what I've suggested first. If not, then you really need to explore the roots of the problems here psychologically and existentially. It sounds as if the underlying roots is much deeper than I expected.

Anyway, implement what I said and please inform me of anything at all.

"Sorry to show my ass like this"

=>You do not have to apologize yourself for life's misery. It is just the low times in life. Whenever life is low, I ALWAYS believe it is accompanied by a peak afterwards.

 

[bran987]

SCK I always wonder why people post helpful stuff like that under alter handles
why would you be embarassed to say that stuff?
I guess on EF you are a macho guy who doesn't want people to know you care about stuff like this?
This isn't a flame I promise it really just confuses me!

 

[Devastation]

sck is on the right track. identify what your problems areas. find out what leads to these problems - the way you act (your mood) when you come home from work, comments you unknowingly make, the routine you go through in the morning getting ready for work. try making a change in yourself first. i went through about the exact same feelings at one time but i was only 2 yrs into my marriage and i did cheat on my wife. i had a severe drinking problem which i fixed myself. i found what was causing the problems and rectified them. if you are going to counseling, make sure your counselor is familiar with solution based therapy techniques/ideas. find what leads to your issues and fix it. also make sure your wife is fully aware of your feelings. and why the no sex part? it would help us to help you if we knew what was going on there. hang in there and don't give up bor. it's always darkest before the dawn

 

[jnevin]

You guys are all solid. Thanks alot. I am horrible at communicating, I don't really know how to approach certain topics. Oddly enough it's what I do for a living. Lately I've been thinking that depression is an issue. I treid a few meds for it: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, and another I can't remember. None worked. I felt the same but with no wood and no energy. I honestly felt worse. For the past few weeks she has been 100% willing to work on things, but I've pulled back so far I can't even think for myself. I haven't talked to my family about this, I"ve kind of talked to some friends, but this is so foreign to me I don't know how to go about it. I got retarded drunk last night & I've been beating myself up for it. Neither is doing me any good. Obviously. It's funny, I read what I wrote yesterday and what I'm writing now. It doesn't sound like me. I'm usually positive, funny, optomistic. I feel like I quit. Off to counseling now...

 

[Gymgurl]

If you can't communicate it will end.....so get talking

 

[GoldenDelicious]

counsellor.

 

[Y_lifter]

Wwcd ?

 

[gonelifting]

If you guys split up, ask yourself what would you look for in a new woman/relationship? If it`s the same stuff that she has, you may not need a breakup and just need to talk to her on a very serious level and make sure both of you guys are on the same page with things... and the future. good luck

 

[jnevin]

Counseling didn't go so well. She's leaving for a while & she said she's taking my dog. I think I'm more upset about the dog than her. She hinted toward the fact she's been seeing someone else, bitching about my goddamn pay cut. I'm still over 100K, I don't know what her fucking problem is. Now I'm just pissed. I've never strayed, I've worked my ass off to give her everything she wants, she is possibly seeing someone else, and she takes my dog? I got to get my ass into the gym. Jesus.

 

[bran987]

ok, this is now beyond the scope of what I know how to fix.

haven't figured out how to change goldigging aldulterers yet but I'll let you know when I do.

 

[Gymgurl]

Just give it a little time. You'll find that counseling is really hard in the begining...don't give up yet......

 

[jerseyart]

jnevin.

Wow bor, that's awful.

If that's the case then fuck her. Let the new bf pay the bitches bills

 

[SCK]

SCK I always wonder why people post helpful stuff like that under alter handles
why would you be embarassed to say that stuff?
I guess on EF you are a macho guy who doesn't want people to know you care about stuff like this?
This isn't a flame I promise it really just confuses me!

Bran987, I don't quite understand what you're trying to say here and I don't want to make any assumptions or guesses either. Re-tell me what you're trying to say perhaps in a different way please. What's alter handles anyway?

I do hope jnevin continues to freely express his feelings here as we are here to listen and help as much as an internet chat board can possibly offer.
He can still maintain his anonymity whist it is entirely his choice of what information to extract and implement as he finds it meaningful or helpful.

 

[Devastation]

Counseling didn't go so well. She's leaving for a while & she said she's taking my dog. I think I'm more upset about the dog than her. She hinted toward the fact she's been seeing someone else, bitching about my goddamn pay cut. I'm still over 100K, I don't know what her fucking problem is. Now I'm just pissed. I've never strayed, I've worked my ass off to give her everything she wants, she is possibly seeing someone else, and she takes my dog? I got to get my ass into the gym. Jesus.

bro she's a straight up gold digger then. if that's the case and you realize it, FUCK HER. you're better off without her