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The Shadow
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Scene 1
She says: So what do you want to do tonight?
He says: I don't know. What are you in the mood for?
She says: I'm not too sure, you decide.
He says: No you decide, I chose the last time.
She says: Okay, I'll think about it. (A few moments later) Why don't we go see a movie?
He says: Nah, I'm not really in the mood for a movie. Why don't we just stay home tonight or do something else?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2
She says: What do you want to eat tonight?
He says: I really don't care. Whatever you're in the mood for.
She says: I just don't have any idea what to cook. Tell me, what are your taste buds drooling for?
He says: I don't have a preference. Just make whatever is easiest for you, dear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3
She says: I really like this new album by R.E.M.
He says: You think so? I guess it really isn't that bad.
She says: Actually, if you listen closely, it really isn't that good. I prefer their last album.
He says: Yes, you are right. It really isn't that good. How about the new Ozzy album, it really rocks.
She says: Are you kidding me? It sucks!
He says: Yeah? You think? I guess it does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4
He says: Honey, I'm going over to Tim's place.
She says: What for?
He says: To watch the game, dear.
She says: Well, why don't you watch it at home?
He says: I don't know. I guess I want to enjoy the game in the company of my friends.
She says: You don't like my company?
He says: Of course I do, dear. I love your company.
She says: So watch the game at home with me.
He says: All right, dear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5
He says: I really love mountain climbing.
She says: You've got to be kidding. That's a pointless activity. You should try knitting sometime. Now that's a useful hobby. In fact, I don't want you to practice it anymore. It's too dangerous.
He says: You think so? Well if it makes you happy, then I'll stop.
you're boring!
Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Are you too lazy to make a decision on your own? Could it be that you don't speak your mind out of fear of being judged? Do you think that you'll always be on her "good" side by agreeing with her every word?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then I've got news for you. You're in danger of being labeled what a lot of women accuse their men of being -- too nice or too boring. In other words, you're a pushover. So before your relationship begins to fall apart, read the following facts about the importance of becoming assertive with your feelings.
It's time to become the alpha male...
You probably think you're being considerate of your woman's feelings by agreeing to everything she says. And it might even be acceptable to her in the beginning of the relationship. But as time wears on, she'll begin to lose interest in you.
No matter how many times you hear feminists say that women are independent and are just as strong as men, women still like to be around spontaneous men who know how to take charge of a given situation. Women feel a sense of excitement around such strong-minded men.
Here are four ways for you to take charge from time to time:
1- Make plans: Women love to make dinner plans with the special men in their lives. Naturally, they expect their men to do the same and plan a spontaneous date (without being asked): it makes them feel special, appreciated and romanced.
2- Be decisive: If you constantly find yourself unsure when it comes to decision-making, your woman will begin to think that you're not too interested in the relationship, or worse, that you're not motivated in her presence.
3- Be a challenge: If your woman makes a request that goes against your morals, ideals or personal taste, stand your ground and let her know it.
4- Express your feelings: Every individual has their own opinion. Do not be afraid to express yours -- even if it doesn't coincide with what your lady has to say. A woman will appreciate a man who stands his ground by expressing his discontentment more so than one who cowardly agrees with everything she says out of fear of being judged.
you're not a control freak
Just because women like assertive men, doesn't mean that they want to be controlled. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Part of being assertive means that you can express your feelings without dictating or forcing others to accept your needs.
It's important that you feel free to communicate your needs without having to worry about suffering the repercussions from your mate. If your woman says she hates it when you make plans without telling her, it does not mean that she's trying to control you. All she's doing is being assertive by telling you something is bothering her.
Now that you know something is bothering her, you can both work together and negotiate on a winning solution that makes both parties happy. If, on the other hand, you snapped at her, then the next time she'll keep her personal discontent to herself -- until it finally boils over -- and we don't want that, now do we?
a word of warning
Now that you know why it is important to be assertive in the relationship, it is also essential that you understand the dangers of being too assertive -- especially if you're with a woman who's very submissive. If you take charge and become too assertive with your woman, then you might fall into "the dictator trap."
What is the dictator trap?
The dictator trap essentially means that without necessarily wanting to, you might end up making all the plans and decisions within the relationship. Here's how it starts. In the beginning, you make the decisions first; then you ask your woman to be assertive and give her input. But because she's a submissive and introverted person, she doesn't and is content with you making all the decisions.
In order to keep the relationship interesting, you make the plans for her. Eventually you both fall into this comfort zone, where you make all the plans and she goes along with them.
At one point, she will want to make a decision of her own, but because you've become so accustomed to making the decisions for her, you'll end up ignoring her input and then she'll snap at you for being such a dictator, or a control freak.
In order to avoid falling into the dictator trap, you need to recognize when you're making all the decisions by yourself, and encourage your woman to take part in the relationship's "administrative" duties.
the right answers
So now that you've become a little more assertive, how would you handle the dialogue introduced to you at the beginning of this courage-building journey?
Scene 1
She says: So what do you want to do tonight?
Your reply: (Women's level of interest increases with men who like to take charge -- always have a backup plan) Let's go to dinner. I know this great little trendy Japanese restaurant that makes the best sushi. Maybe afterwards we can go for a cocktail at that lounge you love to hang out at.
She says: Great, I'm so excited.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2
She says: What do you want to eat tonight?
Your reply: (With lots of enthusiasm, let her know that you love her cooking) Oh, I'd love to have that grilled salmon with extra garlic that you make so well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3
She says: I really like this new album by R.E.M..
Your reply: (Whether you like it or hate, be honest and let her know what you really think). I'm not too crazy about their new album. Personally, I think it sucks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4
You say: Honey, I'm going to watch the game over at Tim's place.
She says: What for?
Your reply: Because I enjoy watching the game with my buddies. See you later.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5
You say: I really love mountain climbing.
She says: You've got to be kidding. That's a pointless activity. You should try knitting sometime. Now that's a useful hobby. In fact, I don't want you to practice it anymore. It's too dangerous.
Your reply: Well, you don't know what you've been missing. But I promise to be extra careful.
smart timing....
It is important to establish from the start that it's okay to voice your concerns, just like it's also okay if you and your lady don't agree on everything. The important thing is that you communicate and reach a win-win compromise that meets both your needs.
She says: So what do you want to do tonight?
He says: I don't know. What are you in the mood for?
She says: I'm not too sure, you decide.
He says: No you decide, I chose the last time.
She says: Okay, I'll think about it. (A few moments later) Why don't we go see a movie?
He says: Nah, I'm not really in the mood for a movie. Why don't we just stay home tonight or do something else?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2
She says: What do you want to eat tonight?
He says: I really don't care. Whatever you're in the mood for.
She says: I just don't have any idea what to cook. Tell me, what are your taste buds drooling for?
He says: I don't have a preference. Just make whatever is easiest for you, dear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3
She says: I really like this new album by R.E.M.
He says: You think so? I guess it really isn't that bad.
She says: Actually, if you listen closely, it really isn't that good. I prefer their last album.
He says: Yes, you are right. It really isn't that good. How about the new Ozzy album, it really rocks.
She says: Are you kidding me? It sucks!
He says: Yeah? You think? I guess it does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4
He says: Honey, I'm going over to Tim's place.
She says: What for?
He says: To watch the game, dear.
She says: Well, why don't you watch it at home?
He says: I don't know. I guess I want to enjoy the game in the company of my friends.
She says: You don't like my company?
He says: Of course I do, dear. I love your company.
She says: So watch the game at home with me.
He says: All right, dear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5
He says: I really love mountain climbing.
She says: You've got to be kidding. That's a pointless activity. You should try knitting sometime. Now that's a useful hobby. In fact, I don't want you to practice it anymore. It's too dangerous.
He says: You think so? Well if it makes you happy, then I'll stop.
you're boring!
Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Are you too lazy to make a decision on your own? Could it be that you don't speak your mind out of fear of being judged? Do you think that you'll always be on her "good" side by agreeing with her every word?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then I've got news for you. You're in danger of being labeled what a lot of women accuse their men of being -- too nice or too boring. In other words, you're a pushover. So before your relationship begins to fall apart, read the following facts about the importance of becoming assertive with your feelings.
It's time to become the alpha male...
You probably think you're being considerate of your woman's feelings by agreeing to everything she says. And it might even be acceptable to her in the beginning of the relationship. But as time wears on, she'll begin to lose interest in you.
No matter how many times you hear feminists say that women are independent and are just as strong as men, women still like to be around spontaneous men who know how to take charge of a given situation. Women feel a sense of excitement around such strong-minded men.
Here are four ways for you to take charge from time to time:
1- Make plans: Women love to make dinner plans with the special men in their lives. Naturally, they expect their men to do the same and plan a spontaneous date (without being asked): it makes them feel special, appreciated and romanced.
2- Be decisive: If you constantly find yourself unsure when it comes to decision-making, your woman will begin to think that you're not too interested in the relationship, or worse, that you're not motivated in her presence.
3- Be a challenge: If your woman makes a request that goes against your morals, ideals or personal taste, stand your ground and let her know it.
4- Express your feelings: Every individual has their own opinion. Do not be afraid to express yours -- even if it doesn't coincide with what your lady has to say. A woman will appreciate a man who stands his ground by expressing his discontentment more so than one who cowardly agrees with everything she says out of fear of being judged.
you're not a control freak
Just because women like assertive men, doesn't mean that they want to be controlled. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Part of being assertive means that you can express your feelings without dictating or forcing others to accept your needs.
It's important that you feel free to communicate your needs without having to worry about suffering the repercussions from your mate. If your woman says she hates it when you make plans without telling her, it does not mean that she's trying to control you. All she's doing is being assertive by telling you something is bothering her.
Now that you know something is bothering her, you can both work together and negotiate on a winning solution that makes both parties happy. If, on the other hand, you snapped at her, then the next time she'll keep her personal discontent to herself -- until it finally boils over -- and we don't want that, now do we?
a word of warning
Now that you know why it is important to be assertive in the relationship, it is also essential that you understand the dangers of being too assertive -- especially if you're with a woman who's very submissive. If you take charge and become too assertive with your woman, then you might fall into "the dictator trap."
What is the dictator trap?
The dictator trap essentially means that without necessarily wanting to, you might end up making all the plans and decisions within the relationship. Here's how it starts. In the beginning, you make the decisions first; then you ask your woman to be assertive and give her input. But because she's a submissive and introverted person, she doesn't and is content with you making all the decisions.
In order to keep the relationship interesting, you make the plans for her. Eventually you both fall into this comfort zone, where you make all the plans and she goes along with them.
At one point, she will want to make a decision of her own, but because you've become so accustomed to making the decisions for her, you'll end up ignoring her input and then she'll snap at you for being such a dictator, or a control freak.
In order to avoid falling into the dictator trap, you need to recognize when you're making all the decisions by yourself, and encourage your woman to take part in the relationship's "administrative" duties.
the right answers
So now that you've become a little more assertive, how would you handle the dialogue introduced to you at the beginning of this courage-building journey?
Scene 1
She says: So what do you want to do tonight?
Your reply: (Women's level of interest increases with men who like to take charge -- always have a backup plan) Let's go to dinner. I know this great little trendy Japanese restaurant that makes the best sushi. Maybe afterwards we can go for a cocktail at that lounge you love to hang out at.
She says: Great, I'm so excited.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2
She says: What do you want to eat tonight?
Your reply: (With lots of enthusiasm, let her know that you love her cooking) Oh, I'd love to have that grilled salmon with extra garlic that you make so well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3
She says: I really like this new album by R.E.M..
Your reply: (Whether you like it or hate, be honest and let her know what you really think). I'm not too crazy about their new album. Personally, I think it sucks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4
You say: Honey, I'm going to watch the game over at Tim's place.
She says: What for?
Your reply: Because I enjoy watching the game with my buddies. See you later.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5
You say: I really love mountain climbing.
She says: You've got to be kidding. That's a pointless activity. You should try knitting sometime. Now that's a useful hobby. In fact, I don't want you to practice it anymore. It's too dangerous.
Your reply: Well, you don't know what you've been missing. But I promise to be extra careful.
smart timing....
It is important to establish from the start that it's okay to voice your concerns, just like it's also okay if you and your lady don't agree on everything. The important thing is that you communicate and reach a win-win compromise that meets both your needs.
