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SofaGeorge
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My daughter had one of her friends over for the weekend. I use the term daughter out of habit, but actually she is an exchange student from Germany. She is going home in another 4 weeks.
I first met her friend at the beginning of the school year. She is another exchange student in the program. Her name is Janet.
My daughter and she were roommates during their training sessions before coming to America. Proximity forms friendships for kids. Now that they were placed in families here that were close to each other... they checked in on each other.
Janet’s first family here wasn’t too good. They wanted an au pair… free labor… not an exchange student. Her next family was better.
Janet seemed like a well intentioned but incredibly difficult to be around kid. She talked endlessly... and she would say things that were so stupid they seemed obnoxious. I didn't dislike her when I first met her... but I definitely had a hard time being around her. My daughter asked me how I felt about Janet... and I told her honestly that it was hard to be around someone who peppered you with 50 questions none stop... and seemed like she was walking on the moon. It's hard to explain... but a lot of her thinking and ideas was just loopy. I wrote this off to her being a kid.
I also told my daughter that she was always welcome to have Janet over. I didn't want her to think it was a "keep away" type situation. I told her honestly, though, that if she did have Janet back over... I was going to sit down and talk to Janet about her conversational habits.
My daughter took the initiative. She told me she would talk to Janet.
We had Janet back many times during the year. Sometimes it was a bit awkward... but at heart Janet was a sweet, well mannered and good kid. After my daughter talked to her (and basically told her it drove people crazy when she talked all the time) Janet did try to put the curb on her jabber mouth.
It got to the point Janet could even be a pleasure to talk to. It was always odd, though. I always felt like I had to “work” at talking to her. I had to make sure she made eye contact… periodically make hand gestures or even tell her verbally SLOW DOWN. It was like you always had to bring her back to the world.
The more I talked to Janet the more I came to understand her. She was an incredibly insecure kid. She had a very difficult home life back in Germany. Her dad left her when she was 3 years old… and told her when she tried to contact him at 14 that he wanted nothing to do with her. Her mom was a chowder head idiot… went from one loser boyfriend to another… always moving them in to live with her and Janet after only knowing them for two weeks.
The kid had never known one day of stability in her life. I don’t think she had ever had anyone who really loved her, and there definitely wasn’t any source of guidance in her upbringing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid more desperate to be loved… and more desperate for approval.
My girlfriend made the observation – Janet talked all the time because she was so desperate for connection. If she stopped talking she felt like she would disappear. I found over the last year that the big secret for Janet was patients and consistence… and honesty. I never got made at her or irritated with her when she would start asking me loopy questions while I was playing chess. (I’m a chess nut. You need to concentrate.) I just kept trying to be consistent. Janet it’s okay not to talk all the time. Janet… sometimes stop and think before you ask questions. Janet… it’s okay to be sad. If something that happened to you makes you sad… you can feel sad about it. You can stop and cry. You don’t have to keep talking till you blur it out.
Janet… you are a good person… and I’m not going to shut you out.
Today was Janet’s last visit. I knew when I drove her home today that this would be the last time I would ever see her… and as odd as she is… she has been a big part of our lives. My daughter loves her… troubled as she may be… and in a whacky kind of way her visits really have been a special part of the year. (It’s sort of like having and eccentric insane Uncle from the Adams Family come visit. It grows on you.)
While we were having breakfast this morning… I knew it would be my last chance to talk to her. My last chance to give her any advice that might help her life. I said:
“Janet, I want to tell you this honestly. You are a smart girl, and you are good at heart – but you are very, very insecure. You want to be loved very badly. You want approval desperately. And in going home – there doesn’t seem to be anyone who is going to be there for you to give you that love… at least not yet. I know during the last year that a lot of times you thought you were driving me nuts, but you actually worked on your own to rein in your own wild horses. You showed that you can have people talk to you honestly and learn from it, and you’ve been a delightful part of our lives. That’s why I want to give you this piece of advice – only bring good people into your life. You want love. You need love. That is going to make you desperate to get it from anywhere… anyone who will show you approval or affection. You’ve got a lot of troubles, sweetheart (we’d talked about her seeing a therapist when she gets home) and it is going to take you a long time to work some of those things out. The thing that you will have to do to keep yourself safe till then… to keep yourself safe while you grow up to be an adult… to make sure you have a good life – only let good people into your life. Don’t try to find that love from people who are troubled… who are bad people… or people who are more confused than you. Don’t fall in with a bad crowd just to have friends. (God, that’s what her mom did.) Janet… you are only going to grow into being a happy, healthy woman if you remember these words and act on them – only bring good people into your life. They are what you need… and they are the people you need to get your love and approval from… and even the first step before that is going to be when you learn to love yourself. You are a good person… and you will be starting out in the right place when you love yourself. That will be a good person loving you.”
I think things hit home. She sat… we talked… and for the first time when she cried… she didn’t apologize for crying. In the past if she cried… she was always embarrassed… and apologetic… like she was doing something wrong by crying. Today, though, she seemed to have taken one step forward… and it was like she could face a hard truth.
I wonder many times at times like this if I said the right thing… if I did the right thing… and there will be a sad wondering for me every time I think of this girl. I will always wonder what the key is to helping her… and if she will grow into a happy woman one day.
If any of you pray… light a candle for this girl. She needs it… and she deserves it.
I first met her friend at the beginning of the school year. She is another exchange student in the program. Her name is Janet.
My daughter and she were roommates during their training sessions before coming to America. Proximity forms friendships for kids. Now that they were placed in families here that were close to each other... they checked in on each other.
Janet’s first family here wasn’t too good. They wanted an au pair… free labor… not an exchange student. Her next family was better.
Janet seemed like a well intentioned but incredibly difficult to be around kid. She talked endlessly... and she would say things that were so stupid they seemed obnoxious. I didn't dislike her when I first met her... but I definitely had a hard time being around her. My daughter asked me how I felt about Janet... and I told her honestly that it was hard to be around someone who peppered you with 50 questions none stop... and seemed like she was walking on the moon. It's hard to explain... but a lot of her thinking and ideas was just loopy. I wrote this off to her being a kid.
I also told my daughter that she was always welcome to have Janet over. I didn't want her to think it was a "keep away" type situation. I told her honestly, though, that if she did have Janet back over... I was going to sit down and talk to Janet about her conversational habits.
My daughter took the initiative. She told me she would talk to Janet.
We had Janet back many times during the year. Sometimes it was a bit awkward... but at heart Janet was a sweet, well mannered and good kid. After my daughter talked to her (and basically told her it drove people crazy when she talked all the time) Janet did try to put the curb on her jabber mouth.
It got to the point Janet could even be a pleasure to talk to. It was always odd, though. I always felt like I had to “work” at talking to her. I had to make sure she made eye contact… periodically make hand gestures or even tell her verbally SLOW DOWN. It was like you always had to bring her back to the world.
The more I talked to Janet the more I came to understand her. She was an incredibly insecure kid. She had a very difficult home life back in Germany. Her dad left her when she was 3 years old… and told her when she tried to contact him at 14 that he wanted nothing to do with her. Her mom was a chowder head idiot… went from one loser boyfriend to another… always moving them in to live with her and Janet after only knowing them for two weeks.
The kid had never known one day of stability in her life. I don’t think she had ever had anyone who really loved her, and there definitely wasn’t any source of guidance in her upbringing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid more desperate to be loved… and more desperate for approval.
My girlfriend made the observation – Janet talked all the time because she was so desperate for connection. If she stopped talking she felt like she would disappear. I found over the last year that the big secret for Janet was patients and consistence… and honesty. I never got made at her or irritated with her when she would start asking me loopy questions while I was playing chess. (I’m a chess nut. You need to concentrate.) I just kept trying to be consistent. Janet it’s okay not to talk all the time. Janet… sometimes stop and think before you ask questions. Janet… it’s okay to be sad. If something that happened to you makes you sad… you can feel sad about it. You can stop and cry. You don’t have to keep talking till you blur it out.
Janet… you are a good person… and I’m not going to shut you out.
Today was Janet’s last visit. I knew when I drove her home today that this would be the last time I would ever see her… and as odd as she is… she has been a big part of our lives. My daughter loves her… troubled as she may be… and in a whacky kind of way her visits really have been a special part of the year. (It’s sort of like having and eccentric insane Uncle from the Adams Family come visit. It grows on you.)
While we were having breakfast this morning… I knew it would be my last chance to talk to her. My last chance to give her any advice that might help her life. I said:
“Janet, I want to tell you this honestly. You are a smart girl, and you are good at heart – but you are very, very insecure. You want to be loved very badly. You want approval desperately. And in going home – there doesn’t seem to be anyone who is going to be there for you to give you that love… at least not yet. I know during the last year that a lot of times you thought you were driving me nuts, but you actually worked on your own to rein in your own wild horses. You showed that you can have people talk to you honestly and learn from it, and you’ve been a delightful part of our lives. That’s why I want to give you this piece of advice – only bring good people into your life. You want love. You need love. That is going to make you desperate to get it from anywhere… anyone who will show you approval or affection. You’ve got a lot of troubles, sweetheart (we’d talked about her seeing a therapist when she gets home) and it is going to take you a long time to work some of those things out. The thing that you will have to do to keep yourself safe till then… to keep yourself safe while you grow up to be an adult… to make sure you have a good life – only let good people into your life. Don’t try to find that love from people who are troubled… who are bad people… or people who are more confused than you. Don’t fall in with a bad crowd just to have friends. (God, that’s what her mom did.) Janet… you are only going to grow into being a happy, healthy woman if you remember these words and act on them – only bring good people into your life. They are what you need… and they are the people you need to get your love and approval from… and even the first step before that is going to be when you learn to love yourself. You are a good person… and you will be starting out in the right place when you love yourself. That will be a good person loving you.”
I think things hit home. She sat… we talked… and for the first time when she cried… she didn’t apologize for crying. In the past if she cried… she was always embarrassed… and apologetic… like she was doing something wrong by crying. Today, though, she seemed to have taken one step forward… and it was like she could face a hard truth.
I wonder many times at times like this if I said the right thing… if I did the right thing… and there will be a sad wondering for me every time I think of this girl. I will always wonder what the key is to helping her… and if she will grow into a happy woman one day.
If any of you pray… light a candle for this girl. She needs it… and she deserves it.
