posted June 05, 2000 09:29 PM            

I WAS 19 AND ALL MY FRIENDS WERE LOOKING TO GET DRUNK THAT NIGHT. I FRANTICALLY FINISHED MY WORKOUT AND RAN HOME TO MEET THE FELLAS FOR A NIGHT OF BOOZIN' AND PICKIN' UP CHICKS. I HAD TO MISS DINNER IN ORDER TO MAKE THE TRIP TO THE PARTY...I FIGURED I COULD MAKE IT UP WITH BEER.

I STARTED TO CONSUME BOTTLE AFTER BOTTLE OF RAINER ICE...HELL IT WAS FREE. THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT I HAD DRANK 16 12oz BOTTLES OF THE MOST FOUL BEER KNOWN TO MAN.

THE NEXT MORNING:

SCHOOL WAS 28 MILES AWAY AND I HAD 30mins TO GET THERE. I STOPPED BY THE GYM TO GRAB A BLUE THUNDER FOR BREAKFAST. NOT EATING FOR ABOUT 14hrs TENDS TO LEAVE A MANS STOMACH VERY EMPTY. WELL, I WAS SITTING IN CLASS AND ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE HOUR I HEARD MY STOAMCH MAKE A GOD AWFUL SOUND. I JUST IGNORED THE SOUND THINKING IT WAS HUNGRY FOR SOME SOLID FOOD...NOT KNOWING THAT IT WAS BREWING UP ONE OF THE MOST LIQUIDY SHITS A MAN COULD MUSTER.

WELL THE CLASS HAD ENDED AND I HAD ABOUT 1/8 OF A MILE BACK TO MY CAR...NOT TO MENTION A 28 MILE DRIVE. MIDWAY THROUGH THE WALK, I HEARD MY STOAMCH MAKE EVEN A WORSE SOUND THEN BEFORE. I FELT EVERYTHING FROM THE FIFTH GRADE THAT HAS BEEN STORED IN MY GUT MOVE LIKE AN AVALANCHE THROUGH MY INTESTINES.
I NOTICED A BUILDING NEXT TO MY CAR...I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THAT BUILDING BEFORE. I THOUGHT I COULD MAKE THE DRIVE BACK HOME HELL I AM 19 AND I CAN HOLD MY SHIT FOR 30mins.

ABOUT THIS TIME I NOTICED I WAS WALKING LIKE THE GUY IN DUMB AND DUMBER. WITH ABOUT 100ft TO MY CAR I DECIDED TO MAKE THE RUN INTO THE BUILDING. NOT KNOWING WHERE THE SHITTER WAS, I TOOK AN IMMEDITATE RIGHT AS SOON AS I WALKED IN THE DOOR(GOOD GUESS). I SAW A SIGN THAT SAID "MEN." THANK YOU GOD...AS SOON AS I WALKED IN THE DOOR I NOTICED IT WAS A HUGE LOCKER ROOM FOR THE MECH. DEPARTMENT. I RIPPED OFF MY BACK PACK AND THREW IT UNDER THE HANDICAP STALL. BY THIS TIME MY BUTTHOLE WAS PUCKERED AND LOOKING FOR A KISS. WELL, NO SOONER DID I DROP MY PANTS AND 16 BEERS AND FOOD FROM THE 5th GRADE CAME SHOOTING OUT IN LIQUID FORM.

OH YES I MISSED THE TOILET AND HIT THE WALL AND THE BACK OF THE TOILET. I MANAGED TO LOOK AT THE DEVISTATION THAT BLEW FROM MY SPHINCTER. MAN DID I FEEL BAD FOR THE JANITOR. THE WORST THING WAS I COULD NOT LEAVE THE STALL BECAUSE CLASS HAD JUST FINISHED AND ALL THE MECHANICS MADE THEIR WAY INTO THE LOCKER ROOM TO CHANGE BACK INTO THEIR NORMAL CLOTHES. SO FOR 10--15mins I HAD TO STAND THERE AND LISTEN TO THESE GUYS TALK ABOUT HOW BAD IT STUNK. THE GOOD THING IS THAT THE HANDICAP STALL WAS SET BACK INTO THE WALL SO THEY SOULD NOT SEE MY FEET.

AFTER THEY LEFT I MANAGED TO MAKE IT OVER TO THE NEXT STALL TO FINISH MY BUSINESS. 10mins LATER I WAS COVERED IN SWEAT AND I HAD LEFT MY MARK AT THAT SCHOOL.

LESSON LEARNED:
NEVER DRINK A BLUE MUD ON AN EMPTY STOMACH