FROM: MANAGEMENT

SUBJECT: NEW COMPANY POLICIES

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SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough
to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
future,we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,
employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If
you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next
day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap
their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit
in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount:

Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax $244.40

Outgo tax $45.21

State tax $11.61

Interstate tax $61.10

County tax $6.11

City tax $12.22

Rural tax $4.44

Back tax $1.11

Front tax $1.16

Side tax $1.61

Up tax $2.22

Down tax $1.11

Tic-Tacs $1.98

Thumbtacks $3.93

Carpet tacks $0.98

Stadium tax $0.69

Flat tax $8.32

Surtax $3.46

Corporate tax $2.60

Parking fee $5.00

F.I.C.A. $81.88

T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95

Life insurance $5.85

Health insurance $16.23

Dental insurance $4.50

Mental insurance $4.33

Reassurance $0.11

Disability $2.50

Ability $0.25

Liability $3.41

Unreliability $10.99

Coffee $6.85

Coffee Cups $66.51

Floor rental $16.85

Chair rental $0.32

Desk rental $4.32

Union dues $5.85

Union don'ts $3.77

Cash advance $0.69

Cash retreats $121.35

Overtime $1.26

Undertime $54.83

Eastern time $9.00

Central time $8.00

Mountain time $7.00

Pacific time $6.00

Time Out $12.21

Oxygen $10.02

Water $16.54

Heat $51.42

Cool air $26.83

Hot air $20.00

Miscellaneous $113.29

Sundry $12.09

Various $8.01

Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be
directed elsewhere.

Oops, does that cost me anything?!