posted August 10, 2000 10:35 PM            

Foreign Policy

An initiative will be placed in front of the United Nations Security Council to bury France under 60 feet of coal dust.

Eli�n Gonz�lez will be tossed into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and permitted to swim to whatever country he prefers.

To be eligible for foreign aid, a country will have to give up its official language in favor of English and declare ketchup its national condiment.

Sweden must agree to stop producing bubbly pop stars or face a no-holds-barred military strike.

The United Nations will be disbanded and its governing powers transferred to the International House of Pancakes.

Health

John Goodman will head the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports to lower the bar and take pressure off the rest of us.

An eighth day, called Slouchday, will be added to every week for the purposes of golfing, channel surfing, and ignoring family responsibilities.

Civil Rights

Afternoon naps in every workplace will be mandated by law, and workers will be able to take up to three weeks of paid hangover leave a year.

It will be illegal to manufacture bikinis larger than size 10.

Burning the U.S. flag will remain a viable expression of one's First Amendment rights. So will burning a flag burner.

Last call will be abolished. Liquor licensees must stay open 24 hours a day or forfeit their licenses and give us the rest of their booze.

Any midget who manages to throw a lasso around the neck of a grossly overweight person gets to ride him or her around for a week.

Taxes and the Economy

Taxes on gasoline, cigarettes, and liquor will be eliminated in favor of a prohibitive new 20,000 percent tariff on cat food.

Meeting a girl's parents will automatically qualify you for a $500 tax deduction.

Citizens will be able to apply for a liquor license as easily as they can a driver's license. The test will gauge their ability to spot the unattractive girl in a police lineup after eight tequila shots.

Cable TV will be restructured as a public utility-no more scrambling the good channels.

Whenever Congress votes to raise taxes, your representatives must come out to your house on Saturdays and wash the car, do the yard work, and go on beer runs until they work it off.

Bachelor-party and casino expenses will be tax-deductible, and dogs may be declared dependents.

Political Reform

The official uniform for U.S. senators will be a clown suit, with shoe size indicating length of time in office. Any senator caught out of uniform in public may be pelted to death with tomatoes.

Freshmen members of Congress will undergo a brutal week-long hazing ritual that will include streaking through the National Air and Space Museum and having the words e pluribus unum burned into their buttocks.

Congress will only be able to override a presidential veto if the speaker of the house can defeat Andrij in hand-to-hand mortal combat.

To discourage blackmail upon election, all officials will be required to bang a skanky hooker.

"In bed" will be summarily added to the end of every state motto.

Only Andrij can impeach Andrij.

Strom Thurmond will be stuffed and mounted for permanent display in the National Museum of Natural history.

The 22nd Amendment will be revised to specify that no one may serve more than two consecutive terms as president unless he or she appeared in an episode of The A-Team.

Science and Technology

NASA will cancel all deep-space operations and focus its efforts on sandblasting the side of the moon facing Earth into a gigantic bust of Andrij.

The Washington Monument will be painted and outfitted with fins to look like a Buck Rogers rocket.

The "Star Wars" Strategic Defense Initiative will be resurrected so satellite-based lasers can put on a Pink Floyd light show over the White house.

Poverty

Every Christmas poor children from across the U.S. will gather at Bill Gates' house for a five-minute grab-all-you-can free-for-all.

Crime

The use of any of the following expressions will be considered a federal offense: "Don't go there!" "Talk to the hand!" and "Is that your final answer?"

Supreme Court cases will be decided on the basis of who can eat the most jalape�os.

All U.S. postal workers will get a month off with pay so they can chill out a bit.

The Department of Justice will be restaffed with professional wrestlers. Felony cases will be decided by a single-drop three-count match refereed by hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Once a year all violent criminals will be entered in a televised gladiator-style battle to the death. The winner will be appointed Ambassador to Barbados.

When pleading a traffic ticket, "The cop was a real dick" will be considered a valid defense.

Boy bands such as Backstreet Boys and 98� will be castrated Vatican-style as a pay-per-view event.

Out: lethal injection. In: being chained to a giant wheel, smeared with entrails, and torn apart by a pack of wild dingoes.

Drugs

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms will be reorganized and given a bold new mission: to make sure that every American gets all the alcohol, tobacco, and firearms he damn well wants.

Smoking marijuana will remain illegal, but the penalty will be reduced: The arresting officer will karate-chop his open palms alongside your face as if you're running down a hallway; then he'll abruptly bring up one palm, simulating an approaching wall. Then you're free to go.

The Environment

The bald eagle will be replaced as the national bird by the disinterred corpse of Herv� Vill�chaize with wings stapled to it.

Quality of Life

It will be legal to pulverize with tire irons, bats, etc. any unattended car whose alarm goes off for more than two minutes.

By law, elevator Muzak will be replaced by the sound of a babe climaxing.

A constitutional amendment will make it illegal for women to try on more than one pair of shoes per mall visit.

Lame holidays that will be put to rest: Arbor Day, Presidents' Day, and Flag Day. New national holidays: Oktoberfest, Shannon Elizabeth's Birthday, and Workplace Sabotage Day. Valentine's Day will be renamed Blow Job from a Stranger Day.

The Lincoln Memorial will be recarved to feature Lincoln seated in a La-Z-Boy with salsa, chips, and a bong.

Andrij will abolish the color purple because it displeases him.

All presidential speeches will pause for a 15-minute intermission with monkeys on roller skates.

The presidential motorcade will be expanded to include tanks, a marching band, juggling clowns, fire-eaters, and elephants.

Making America Great Again

The nation's capital will be changed from Washington, D.C., to the presidential suite of the Las Vegas Hilton.

The president will wear a crown, carry a scepter, and be called his Most Gracious Majesty. He will have the power to bestow knighthood on the martial artists his choice.

Andrij's birthday will be declared a national holiday. The city with the least impressive fireworks display will receive no federal funding the following year.

A Wendy's will be installed in the Oval Office.

Andrij's presidential limo will be a 60-foot-tall monster truck. He will need a special elevator made of platinum to get into the cab.

Quebec