posted April 14, 2000 11:15 PM            

PLEASE READ AND RESPOND WITH YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!!! (both men and women!!!)

Angels and Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

Heather was an angel. There's really no better way to put it. Picture a college cheerleader. Throw in a sense of humor, a friendly disposition, and an outgoing personality. Just to add some icing to this already de-licious cake, throw in brains, and wrap it all up in a body that would shame a playmate. That was Heather.

Needless to say, everyone wanted a date with Heather. In fact, guys would do anything just to get near her:

� "Here, let me carry that pencil for you, Heather."
� "Hey, Heather, can I change the oil in your car?"
� "Oh, no, don't step in the puddle, Heather! Allow me the privilege of prostrating myself face down in the mud while you traipse across my back!"

It was all rather pathetic. (I never could get those damn mud stains out of my shirt, either!) The Chosen Ones, guys Heather blessed with a date, would go all out to win her over. There were flowers, candlelight dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and expensive gifts. The lucky Chosen One would be courteous, kind, considerate, loyal, sensitive, and caring. After all, this is what women want, right?

Wrong! That's what they want you to think! Heather would drop Mr. Kind and Generous on his broke ass in no time flat! But why? Didn't he do everything right? I propose that he did everything wrong.

Girls like Heather can have any guy they want. Picture the man who finally captured Heather's heart�tall, intelligent, honest, sensitive to her needs�a man who's going places, right? Wrong again! The last time I saw Heather, she was totally enamored with a complete asshole. He'd dropped out of school, didn't have a job, and treated Heather like something sticky stuck to the bottom of his shoe. He didn't take her anywhere, didn't tell her that she was beautiful, and seemed to be completely unaware of what a grade-A piece of poontang he'd captured.

Rumor has it that he's cheated on her a dozen times, but she keeps taking him back again and again. The more I thought about it, the more angry I became. I'd been dumped myself in the past, and it always seemed like the girl would immediately hook up with a loser. I'd think:

"I got dumped for that sewer rat? Hmmm..."

Recently, I began to closely study the behavior of my single friends. Here's what I saw:

Case Study 1) Justin is a college student who's going places. At 19 years old, he's already landed a job at a major computer company. He has the looks of a male model�chiseled jaw, and a build like a Calvin Klein underwater model. Girls swoon for this guy, but he's very picky.

Recently, Justin set his sights on a girl who worked at our gym, your typical front-desk babe: beautiful and vacuous. She flipped for his good looks, and they hooked up immediately. But there was a problem: Justin fell in love.

He wrote her songs, spent a lot of time and money on her, treated her with dignity and respect, and...well, got his courteous and dependable butt dumped! The front desk-babe went back to her old boyfriend, a jerk who made her cry every weekend and treated her like a piece of proverbial meat. Justin, looking back at the ugly situation, told me, "I can't believe it. In a matter of weeks, I became her little bitch!" Hmmm...

Case Study 2) Renee is a hottie. She can't walk ten feet through the mall without guys asking her out. She's so used to seeing men with their jaws dropped and their tongues lolled out, she doesn't even notice them anymore. In fact, she expects to be hit on by every swinging dick in sight.

One day, she had a conversation with a guy who worked in an office near hers. This guy didn't ask her out and actually seemed rather aloof to her presence. They did exchange phone numbers, but he had the nerve not to call her!

I'll bet that you think she became pissed and blew off this jerk, huh? Nope, she became obsessed with him! How could he ignore her obvious beauty? How could he stroll by and not say hi? He was a mystery and a challenge�therefore, she had to have him. Say it with me, brothers: Hmmm...

There was a pattern here. It was time to dust off my psychology degree and put it to good use. I was going to delve into the deepest reaches of the female mind and figure out once and for all what they really wanted from a man. Maybe my research could help men and women get along better, creating a more harmonious, peaceful world! Better yet, maybe men could use this info to get laid!

The Quest Begins

I began my quest for enlightenment by reading a bunch of books on the subject, and there are a plenty of them out there. I read books by men and by women. One, by Marcus Meleton, was actually titled "Nice Guys Don't Get Laid". Another book, written by a woman, had a chapter called "Why Being a Jerk Pays Off."

Then I went out and interviewed several young women. Yes, it was mighty hard work to talk to these beautifully firm females about love and sex. But for you, loyal T-mag reader, I toughed it out. I questioned the hotties about relationships and about what really attracts them to a guy. Most were very open and honest, but with others I had to apply a technique that psychology books call "atmospheric alterations to entice forthright behaviors in research subjects." That's right, I got'em liquored up. Let me tell you, it was an eye-opening experience.

The Truth Finally Comes Out

Okay, guys, we've heard it all. We've all sat and listened to women talk about their "ideal" man. First, there's the Romance Novel Hero. We hear this from women who claim to like flowers, whispered sweet nothings, and other mushy stuff. Then there's the feminist view. This involves a 50/50 relationship in which the woman sometimes picks up the tab, and the man may find himself in an apron cooking dinner. To whom should we listen? Heck, we'll adopt either if it leads to getting a little nookie!

The answer is neither. Guys who take the "wine and dine" approach end up overdrawn and alone on Saturday night while the chick they spent all their money on is cuddled up with her assholio of a new boyfriend. The feminist view isn't any better. Besides, have you ever watched a big feminist rally on CNN? Now, if I wanted advice about the game of softball, choosing a flannel shirt, or maybe a review of the new Melissa Etheridge CD, I'd talk to a feminist. But for relationship advice, I'd rather listen to beautiful, hetero chicks, thank you!

Here are some sample questions and paraphrased responses from my interviews:

CS: Why is it that women say they want a nice, romantic dream guy but always attach themselves to a jerk who treats them badly?

Hottie: Yeah, the flowers and romance are nice. But honestly, when a guy shows up at my door with flowers and candy, I think, "What a wimp."

CS: But that's what you tell us you want!

Hottie: Yes, but we want the man to be in control and in charge.

CS: What about all of that "mutual relationship" stuff?

Hottie: Listen, when a guy's always asking, "Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?" he doesn't come off as modern man. He comes off as a guy who can't make a decision. Don't ask us what restaurant we want to go to. Just pick one and be in charge. That's attractive.

CS: Okay, so what's the deal with good-looking women falling for assholes?

Hottie: I know, that's wrong. But there's just something about a "bad boy." There's a sense of adventure and mystery there. Nice guys are just so boring!

CS: So what do you think when a guy's fawning all over you, trying to woo you with romance and all the usual stuff?

Hottie: That's an automatic turn-off. If he's going to be that easy, then what's the point? Again, a guy who's too nice just strikes me as a wuss. I don't want to have sex with a wuss.

At first, I was a little taken aback. But then I thought of the biggest assholes back in high school. Although they treated the girls like garbage, there always seemed to be a steady stream of beautiful volunteers. Sure, every once in a while, a girl would tire of this behavior and break up with the jerk. However, she was always replaced within a day or two by another cutie begging for punishment.

Anyway, after having a dozen women tell me things along these lines, I began to hit the books to see if I could get to the bottom of this. After extensive research, and more interviews, I've come up with "Testosterone's Guide to Attracting Women." The "Nookie Factors" section will teach you how to use this information to bag the woman of your dreams�or, at least, your dirty fantasies. Listen and learn, all you "nice guys" out there.

Fact: To women, relationships are a sort of game. Women "score" when you wrap around their fingers, fall in love, or become their little puppy dogs. Once she has you pussy whipped, the game (and the pussy) is over.

Nookie Factor: No matter how much she gets your little heart pounding, never let her know how much you like her. Keep her guessing. Don't call her every time you say that you will. She might label you a jerk which, as we've seen, often leads to the loosening of her thigh muscles, causing her legs to flop open automatically.

Fact: Women are attracted to dangerous guys.

Nookie Factor: You may be the type of fellow who wears his seatbelt, flosses regularly, and takes extra antioxidants. But if you want to bag a babe (and keep her until you get bored of all the constant sex), then you've got to at least appear dangerous. Consider buying a motorcycle and tell her about how you totaled your last one while on a drunken, naked joyride through the country. For weight trainers, this would be an opportune time to use steroids. You'll look better, feel better, and scare the shit out of your girlfriend. She'll beg you stop taking those "dangerous" drugs. This is usually followed by the removal of her panties.

Fact: Women instinctively like to "fix" or "mother" their men, which is also part of the challenge.

Nookie Factor: If you dress and behave like the perfect man, there's nothing for her to fix. She has an innate desire to take care of you, so you must give her something with which to work. Maybe you have a bad temper, drive too fast, or you're a workaholic. Good! You must learn to use these so-called problems to attract women. Be forewarned, though. If you allow her to "repair" you, you've allowed yourself to be tamed.

I once knew a chick who went out and bought a dog. At first, he chewed on her underwear and shit on the living room rug. She spent all of her time trying to tame the poor mutt. But when she "fixed" his problems, what do you think happened? That's right, as soon as the dog was perfect�loyal, obedient, dependable�he found himself staked out in the backyard, licking the faint scar where his balls used to be! Don't let this happen to you.

Fact: Stop listening to what women say. They don't want you to be their best friend or their mutual companion.

Nookie Factor: Men don't want to be friends with women who are good-looking. A "friend" is:

a) a babe who won't sleep with us
b) a babe we can't sleep with because we're married
c) a guy named Bob who spots us on chest day

The moment that you find yourself shopping, antiquing, or standing in the women's section of a clothing shop like a misplaced department store dummy, then you've become a "friend" (translation: "one of the girls").

Don't get me wrong, women like to hang out with good friends. But they don't want to rip the clothes off of their good friends and ride them like stud bulls at a PRCA championship rodeo! If you've become "best friends" with a fine woman, then you're either gay or you've removed your testicles and stored them neatly in a Tupperware container beneath your little-used bed.

Fact: Women aren't attracted to men who treat them like queens, no matter what they say.

Nookie Factor: You spend 40 bucks on roses, thinking that you're being a gentleman. She thinks, "I got him to spend money buying me dead plants�that was easy. Game over." A gentleman, translated in chick-speak, is a synonym for butler or eunuch. Nobody wants to fuck the butler.

It's a fact that most women have low self-esteems. A sure sign of this is when they say, "I don't have low self-esteem!" Another fact, no woman wants a man who'll have her. She's constantly thinking of her flaws and shortcomings. If you're trying to please her by denying that these flaws exist, she'll see you as a stupid sap. Here's how to use these facts to your advantage:

1) She says, "I'm getting fat."
2) You may want to respond with, "No, you're not! You look great, honey!"
3) But if you want to see her naked, say, "Yeah, you really need to work out more."

This should be your response even if she looks like Amy Fadhli in competition shape.

Fact: She's looking at your chest, too.

Nookie Factor: We hear women describe personality traits and "a great smile" when they talk about their ideal man, but a man's body is really more important to them. It's about time that women admitted this, as did many of my research subjects. We men all know that we've gone out with a few personality-free bimbos simply because the enormity of their breasts made up for the dimity of their brains. Women are the same way.

Unless her name is Madonna, the girl of your dreams is behaving the way that society has deemed appropriate. Females aren't "supposed" to be outwardly sexual or even admit that they enjoy sex. That's why we hear all of the crap about women wanting "sweet guys" with a "sense of fun." Yeah, right. They're attracted to the same thing that we are: a great body.

One hottie I interviewed even admitted that she'll "put up with more crap" from a man if he's well-built. What kind of build, exactly? None of the interviewees liked the pro bodybuilder look. The words "makes me want to puke" often came up. Most preferred the medium-built guys on Muscle Media covers, saying that good pecs and arms catch their eyes first. The message, forget spending money on her�spend it all on gym memberships and supplements, instead. She'll love you for it.

Fact: Women are most attracted to men that they can't have (see Case Study 2 above).

Nookie Factor: A distant, uninterested attitude turns women on and makes you a mystery. This is only logical since they've admitted that a lapdog, needy attitude does the exact opposite. No matter how much you like her, never appear hooked.

Look at other women in her presence, and play to her inborn sense of competition. How many times have you seen a guy cheat on his wife or girlfriend, only to have her become violently angry�not at him, but at the other woman? Never give the appearance that you're "all hers" and never, I repeat, never say, "You're the only woman for me."

I'm not telling you to cheat on your chick, either, but at least convince her that you could if you wanted. If you have to, make up an ex-girlfriend and bitch about her calling you all of the time. Your current girlfriend will often set out to prove her worth to you by performing all sorts of interesting sex acts. The dexterity of a jealous woman is amazing.

A Note to Married Guys and a Sleazy Tip to Single Guys

I certainly don't suggest that you cheat on your wife, but many of the above techniques will work great to help keep the spark and the sex in your marriage. In fact, just being married makes you more desirable to other women. After all, if you're married, you've already proven yourself a worthy catch. Being married also gives you the distant coolness that leaves other women moist and juicy.

A word to you single guys, get yourself a cheap wedding band. Women will throw themselves at you. One college junior that I interviewed noted:

"A married man is the ultimate challenge, the ultimate turn-on."

That's because there's a sense of danger, an unobtainable quality and strong feeling of competition. Hell, if you're really an emotionless jerk, have an "affair" with a woman, even if you're not married! Meet her at strange places and always act like you're nervous and in a hurry. That'll make you a first-class asshole, and the sex will be out of this world!

Don't Even Say It!

I can hear the women now who've accidentally stumbled upon "Man Land" here and are reading this with mouths agape. Let me answer a few of your criticisms. You might say:

"What kind of woman do you expect to attract with such behavior?"

Well, in my observations, guys who behave in this way attract beautiful, intelligent women. Maybe it's a woman's desire to play the martyr, or perhaps it's his overflowing testosterone triggering all sorts of primitive breeding urges on her part. I don't know exactly, but I've seen it happen all too often.

"How dare you try to convince the few nice guys out there to treat women in this way! Who do you think you are?"

Me? I'm one of the nice guys! Hey, I really don't want to see women (especially all of the Heathers out there who deserve so much more out of a relationship) get treated in this way. However, we nice guys are running the risk of being genetically deleted from civilization! It's a weird sort of natural selection. Nice guys must evolve, or die virgin hermits living out in the woods with nothing but a stack of Playboys and a cat named "Alley" to keep them company. The hotties of the world have forced us to take these actions.

A Word of Caution

Some women just aren't attracted to jerks. These techniques won't work on them. Wait a minute, those chicks are usually ugly, so who gives a shit? Go forth, T-men, and use that testosterone in the way that nature intended!

posted April 15, 2000 02:56 AM            

1. they like the challenge. to try to change someone who doesn't want to change.
2. if the guy treats them nice, that makes them feel special & unique. ever heard that women hate it when someone shows up dressed like them? uniqueness. if they are treated different it makes them unique.