Moving In Together...

[scorpiogirl]

I sleep over at his place pretty often. So pretty much he is reaping the benefits of living together (sex, someone to sleep and wake up with) without actually taking the plunge. I mean really what's the motivation for him to move in with me? So I have an idea, sleep over at his house less. Some may say this is manipulation, but I disagree, it's setting boundaries. I hate going back and forth from my place to his and I feel like a hobo and all of my belongings are disorganized as a result. So you see I can set a boundary and only sleep over say once a week. This will make my life less stressful and will make him think about just how much he wants me around and what he's willing to do to achieve that. What do you guys think of this plan?

You need to do what makes YOU happy and comfortable. Don't go throwing all your stuff all over the place between houses to accomodate him! The biggest mistake I see young girls making is that they don't pay as much attention to their own needs and concentrate too much on his. Not that he's not worth it - I don't know him. But be careful. Protect YOU!

I agree with the girls on the age difference 100%. If you were 40 and he 50, that would be different, but you're still in the "learning" stages of life....and he could be too....but the issue is that you're in different places (thought wise). I have a man whom I TOTALLY trust. He can go anywhere he wants - I encourage it - but he doesn't. He wants to be home. However, I'm 35 & he's 36 and we've known eachother since we were 20 & 21. Go with your gut instinct. Its usually right - whatever it may be.

 

[wlmcrae]

Go with your gut instinct. Its usually right - whatever it may be

If I may add my 2cents - I agree with Scorpio . . go with your gut instinct ESPECIALLY if you're at all concerned/nervous. Even if there's only 5%, say, nervous! I know I'll try to rationalize my nerves away - my board name should have been Cleopatra (queen of de-Nile . . ) - and it has never yet worked out well.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Why should you accomodate him so much?

Is he the only man alive?

Sounds to me like he has the perfect set up.

 

[goldengirl101]

I agree with "trusting your instinct" and the fact that he's said he wants to take it slow. However, I think the whole age thing depends on the person. My boyfriend is 7 years older than me. We started dating when I was 20 and he was 27. I couldn't even go to bars with him. But things worked out, we moved in together 8 months later and have been together for 6 years now. Like Velvett said, let it be his idea. Good luck, girl.

P.S. You can never be too careful. Always keep an eye out. You never trust anyone 100%.

 

[heatherrae]

Hey girl, why the heck would he want to have you move in, get engaged, get married? The way it is now, you come over to his house with your bags in hand like a little "hobo", as you put it. He isn't making much effort. If he wants to see you more often, make him come pick you up and take you out on a real date. Men don't value something that they just receive without expending any effort, darling! Don't answer all his calls; don't call him; don't come with your bags in hand to his door; and for God's sake, don't mention moving in with him. Make him get down on one knee with a ring. The question is, do you want to be cherished or just tolerated??? Make him cherish you, or tell him to hit the road. You are young and have a whole world of options in front of you! Love the ones who treat you like a princess!

 

[nokaoibeachgirl]

Well ladies here's the update...We have been living together now for 2 1/2 months. We both moved out of our respective homes and are leasing a townhouse together. Everything changed when we moved in...the fighting started, I saw sides of him I had never seen before and the fun and the sex stopped. Some of my friends say that it is an adjustment that will take time, however I don't know. I feel very unfulfilled, like I deserve more, I want to be happy, not just live day to day putting up with each other. The biggest problem is his temper...I grew up in a home with yelling and screaming as well as physical abuse and I always told myself I never wanted to live in a home like that again...Yet here I am, watching him scream at the top of his lungs and throw things. Sometimes I want to leave, and sometimes I can't imagine life without him. I wish we never moved in together...I don't know where this relationship is going. I told him we go to counselling or I am gone, so we start counselling at the end of the month. I will give it a shot, he is having a tough time right now and God knows he has supported me through some tough times. I love him sooo much but I also love myself! This is soooo complicated, is love ever easy? Did anyone else on here learn to live together after a rough start? Has anyone ever dealt with a boyfriend who yells and throws things? I know he must sound terrible, but he's not...he just doesn't know how to handle his emotions.

 

[jenscats5]

Well ladies here's the update...We have been living together now for 2 1/2 months. We both moved out of our respective homes and are leasing a townhouse together. Everything changed when we moved in...the fighting started, I saw sides of him I had never seen before and the fun and the sex stopped. Some of my friends say that it is an adjustment that will take time, however I don't know. I feel very unfulfilled, like I deserve more, I want to be happy, not just live day to day putting up with each other. The biggest problem is his temper...I grew up in a home with yelling and screaming as well as physical abuse and I always told myself I never wanted to live in a home like that again...Yet here I am, watching him scream at the top of his lungs and throw things. Sometimes I want to leave, and sometimes I can't imagine life without him. I wish we never moved in together...I don't know where this relationship is going. I told him we go to counselling or I am gone, so we start counselling at the end of the month. I will give it a shot, he is having a tough time right now and God knows he has supported me through some tough times. I love him sooo much but I also love myself! This is soooo complicated, is love ever easy? Did anyone else on here learn to live together after a rough start? Has anyone ever dealt with a boyfriend who yells and throws things? I know he must sound terrible, but he's not...he just doesn't know how to handle his emotions.

Do you feel comfortable living with someone who screams & throws things at you?? Would you tell your best friend to stay with someone who does that??

Dont' think so......

LEAVE..........NOW.......there is no reason for you to stay with someone who manipulates you like he's doing - you're not married, no kids, etc.....please leave before it gets worse!!

 

[nokaoibeachgirl]

Thanks for the reply jenscats. I hear you absolutely, however leaving is easier said than done. I don't know what I am going to do... For now I am going to give this counselling thing a shot, because he is amazing underneath his uncontrollable emotions. But I absolutely will not further complicate this situation by purchasing a home with him, marrying him or having children...our commitment will stand still for the time being. Everyone tells me to leave him...it's hard...I wish one person would say "do the counselling thing and give it your best shot, that way if you leave you'll know you tried everything". I am sure there are couples out there who have overcome insurmountable odds that no one said they could, aren't there?

 

[jenscats5]

Thanks for the reply jenscats. I hear you absolutely, however leaving is easier said than done. I don't know what I am going to do... For now I am going to give this counselling thing a shot, because he is amazing underneath his uncontrollable emotions. But I absolutely will not further complicate this situation by purchasing a home with him, marrying him or having children...our commitment will stand still for the time being. Everyone tells me to leave him...it's hard...I wish one person would say "do the counselling thing and give it your best shot, that way if you leave you'll know you tried everything". I am sure there are couples out there who have overcome insurmountable odds that no one said they could, aren't there?

Normally I would agree with you.....counseling is a good idea.....However - a man with a violent temper - who screams & throws things - isn't "normal" circumstances.....

Just don't want to see you with a dent in your head, bruises, broken & bloody one day cuz you decided to give it "one more chance" ya know??

 

[Sassy69]

Not that I'm a counselor or even lived w/ anyone else except for letting friends or bf's stay in my house for up to a month for various reasons - but usually at the root of every problem is 1) communication and 2) expectations - of yourself, of the other, of both, of the situation.

Does he at least acknowledge that he's got a temper problem? Is it somethign that you can sit down & talk to him about - maybe not discussing the temper itself, but what you both expected out of living together, what you expected of each other, and how you can make it work and communicate your needs to each other as civil adults?

If not, then look at the counseling, but I'd just start making a Plan B as your exit strategy if you need it. Don't set yoruself up to have absolutely no alternatives.