I walked in on him having sex in our bed...

[GG1234]

Well, I'm a mess. let's start off at that. I haven't slept in 2 weeks, and I have to force myself to eat during the day. I've lost 10lbs in a week and 1/2... and not the healthy way (on a side note, I just started going to the gym, and I'm absolutely LOVING it).

We've been living together for almost a year now... since June of '05. It's been a weird situation from the beginning, and I probably should have left a long time ago. But regardless, I'm here now.

I'll try to make this as short as possible, I don't want to bore you to death with the stupid details.

But, we've been having problems recently, a lot. He's confined himself to the couch for the last 3 weeks or so. and about 2 weeks ago, asked me to start looking for my own apartment. I've been head over heels in love with him since day one. I really thought he was the right one. It's just that unexplainable connection you get with someone. We started as friends, and it just went from there, and has felt right the entire way. Well, anyway, it's been bad a lot lately, and apparantly he doesn't feel the same way anymore So, I told him I'd leave for a week or so, to get myself together, give him time to himself to calm down and think about it without me being there, etc. Give us both time to just really look at the situation and decide if it was really just a hopeless case.

I don't have a car right now, because it's broken, but should be fixed later this week, that's when I was going to leave for a bit, maybe go back to my parents' in NY, or stay at a friends around here in PA for a bit. Well, I made him promise me, and swear to me, that he wouldn't bring another girl home, or go to a girls place, etc. (It's been brought up before, etc). He agreed.

Well, he was gone all day today running errands... for 4 hours. Now, I know he's a busy boy running his own business... but no one takes 4 hours to run errands. for the year I've been here, he never runs errands for more than 1 and 1/2 hrs... MAX! So, I'm no fool, I know he's been talking to my "friend", let's call her Cheryl. No big deal, he's allowed to have girl friends. But they've been talking a lot... not a normal amount. I'm no fool, I know he likes her, whether he admits it or not, I know. I guess it's that woman instinct that we're all plagued with. lol Well, my friend comes to pick me up to go to the gym, and I make an excuse that I want to go change out of these sweatpants into another pair, and if he could swing by my apartment.

I get home, open the door, and walk into the living room. I see a blue sweater, I hear a phone beeping... missed calls... a purse... i look to my right down the hall... I see socks... girl shoes... that AREN'T mine... pants... I walk into OUR bedroom... and I see him cuddled up in bed trying to hide her under the blankets. I rip them off... she jumps up with her saggy boobs and jiggly belly, and says, OH! like she was surprised to see me in my own home

I flipped out. yelled at her to leave and get the fuck dressed and if I ever see her again, I'll kill her. I slap him across the face, and he gets pissed at me!!! He has the AUDACITY to get mad at ME! when he's banging a "friend" of mine in the bed I shared with him for a year, in the sheets that I bought US for christmas!

Needless to say, I blew up, screamed at him, cried, broke down, started shaking, and he was just yelling at me for a while, then just started repeating he was sorry. I wish I could believe him. I let myself love him more than I've ever loved anyone before in my life. I dated my ex for 3 years and we had talked about getting married, and I didn't love him NEARLY as much as this. I moved my life here from NY to be with him... he's the main reason I stayed here. We both work for ourselves, but we have joint ventures quite often (he runs a car performance shop, I buy and sell sports cars, I contract him to fix them, etc). And I just don't know what to do from here. I don't know if I can deal with this.

I stripped the sheets and pillow cases off the bed, and threw them in the truck. I'm probably going to burn them tomorrow. I made him buy me all new ones (and a sushi dinner that I probably won't be able to eat). At least he had the foresight to go out and buy a 12 pack of trojans

I just really don't know what to do now. I'm a total mess, I'm still shaking and sick to my stomach. I don't have many friends around here, the only friends I have... are really his friends, or friends of his friends. She was pretty much the only girl around here that I knew, aside from his friends girlfriend. I just really need to vent or something. I'm a wreck

-Em

 

[wlmcrae]

Sorry love, feelings can't change facts. He's a sleep around bastard and nothing you feel for him is going to change that. Get your car fixed and go home, grieve for the person you thought he was and grieve the hopes you had as you would grieve a death - then move on into life. Give yourself and your dreams wings. Oh, and the business thing? There's other good mechanics out there!

 

[Sassy69]

Sorry love, feelings can't change facts. He's a sleep around bastard and nothing you feel for him is going to change that. Get your car fixed and go home, grieve for the person you thought he was and grieve the hopes you had as you would grieve a death - then move on into life. Give yourself and your dreams wings. Oh, and the business thing? There's other good mechanics out there!

Good advice all around. Maybe he's not a bad person. Maybe he didn't communicate clearly. Maybe he's trying to make a point. Maybe he's just being an ass. But you need to take care of you first. Alway have a "plan B " that you have control of.

 

[musclemom]

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing that I could say to you to make it feel better. A truly dreadful way for a relationship to die ...

The only comfort is that no wedding and no kids are involved and he didn't clean you out financially small comfort but there are lessons that can be learned, even from something like this, be angry, let the hurt go as quickly as you can, and try to learn something from it, if possible.

 

[Gymgurl]

I agree with MM....I'm so sorry that you had to see that shit in your own house and bed...Sounds like you guys might have been on the outs beforehand......pick yourself up and move on.....there will be plenty more men....one that will treat you sooo much better....HUGS

 

[GG1234]

A good friend of mine out in Arkansas invited me to come live with her for a month or so, get away (far away!) and clear my head, get myself in order, etc. I think I'm going to take her up on the offer. As soon as my car is fixed, I'm packing up and leaving. I didn't sleep at all last night, and broke down bad this morning. I finally passed out at 8:30 this morning for a few hours, moped around the apartment, took a shower, and passed out again for a few hours.

I'm completely sick about it all, I loved him so much, it was crazy. I feel like someone took a cold knife and just cut my heart out and put a block of ice in there. So cold and empty.... and sick.

Hopefully moving far away will help me get through this. We'll see I guess. I never thought letting someone go could be SO hard. *sigh* Such is life I guess.

Thanks for the kind words even though none of you have any idea who I am. I don't really have any girl friends here to talk to about stuff like this (she was the only girl around here I really knew... and look how that ended up!), so, it helps to just vent. It means a lot. Thank you all. I just hope I can get through this OK.

 

[Sassy69]

Hey girl -- it doen't matter if its a guy or girl - anyone who you put 100% trust in who fucks you over makes you want to just toss everything. You will get thru it just fine -- I think one really interesting thing is that the person who you fell in love w/ can also manage to kill those feelings as well. The best point is when you forget to get mad about the whole issue - i.e. it no longer has the power to make you upset. That's when you are free of it. Takes some time but that's the point of release. Make sure you get all the things that YOU need to keep going back in order - your finances, any contractual ties you have w/ this guy (e.g. lease, shared bank accounts, anything ) and don't trade your other goals for yourself for time feelign screwed over by him - i.e. don't lose yourself. You were a good functional person before this guy came along, You haven't become any less w/o him.

And you will continue on. I could go into all the fluffy philosophical stuff but I won't - it won't help you right now. But the time will come when you will see all the amazing stuff in the world once the clouds of this experience clear. Take the time you need to "mourn" and then move on to whatever is the next thing.

And of course - we always welcome a needed rant

 

[heatherrae]

Hey girl,

I was in a very similar situation back in August, with a man that I loved so much that I used to wake up every morning and tell him that the best part of my life was seeing the sun come in from the windows every morning and illuminate his face and body. He cheated and threw me out with nowhere to go. I had to sleep in my law office for a month and had to shower and stuff at the gym. Then, my mom was dying of cancer and I moved her, my sister and myself into a nice apartment. All through that, he didn't talk to me and didn't even send his condolences when she died.

Well, I felt that I was not pretty enough, or successful enough, or neat enough, etc., and this is why he left. Now I realize that he is just a cheater. No matter how beautiful, successful, neat some woman is who comes along, he is still just a cheater and a liar, and a fake. He will create his own miserable existence in life, and I don't ever have to worry about getting even. I walked around on egg shells for months because he was always ranting and raving to get things exactly his way with no regard for other people's feelings.

Now, I'm engaged to a wonderful man, whose raison d'etre is to baby my ass to death. So, everyone gets what they deserve in the end.

Don't waste anymore tears on him. Get back up on the horse and meet someone worthy of you. The girl above was SOOO right when she said to mourn the person you THOUGHT he was and the future you THOUGHT you had together. In the meantime, really focus on taking the best care of yourself possible.

 

[GG1234]

I broke down again last night, really bad. cried and shook uncontrollably for a good 2 hours. He went out with friends and said he'd be back in 2 hours... 5 hours later he walks in a 3am. I had pretty much flipped out at that point. I thought he was with her, it was making me sick, i was dry heaving in the bathroom, etc. I never though emotions could cause so much physical pain. It's unreal how much it hurts. I just wish i had a friend to curl up on the couch with and cry in their arms. I think that's what I need most right now. he finally crawled onto the floor next to me after I had been hysterical for a good 30 minutes, and we talked a bit. He just has no feeling at all what-so-ever about this all. All he kept saying was to just forget it and move on, get my stuff together, and leave, get my life in order and move on with it all. I wish it was so easy. lol

As much as I despise him, he'd been my best and only friend for so long, and despite that he was the one who hurt me, I needed him to comfort me so badly. I don't know why. I crawled into bed next to him, put my arm around him, and just cried. I finally passed out about 20 minutes later from just sheer exhaustion. I felt a lot better though... I think. I bought some sleeping pills too. I haven't been able to have a full nights sleep, and it's really taking it's toll on me physically, and mentally. Hopefully these will help.

I've never had much luck with guys before though. I always seem to just get dicked over, screwed over, cheated on, dropped like a bad habit when things get bad, etc. I think I was trying to hold on to the person he was before things went downhill. He was perfect. That ideal guy that we've all dreamed about so many nights. I can't understand how he went from that person, to who he is now. It hurts to think how amazing things could have been. We never argued, we laughed all the time, we loved eachother so damn much. But he couldn't see past my one problem, and it ruined everything. I kick myself in the ass for so many mistakes I made. But I know he's at fault just as much. He couldn't deal with me not being the ideal girl he dreamed of and thought I was. I was everything he wanted, minus a regular 9-5 job, and he couldn't see past it. Nothing I did mattered. No matter how much I cared, how much I showed him I loved him, it didn't matter. And it hurts like hell. I was just never good enough. *sigh*

It's so hard to let go of something I never really had.

And heather, I know what you mean about walking around on eggshells. I avoided bringing up unpleasant things with him, because I didn't want to chance upsetting him. I didn't tell him what hurt me, I avoided any confrontation, and it just built up, to the point where eventually, all we did was argue, because we'd avoided it so long.

bleh, I gotta stop thinking about all of this. It's depressing.

 

[Gymgurl]

((hugs))