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COMPANY POLICY TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
known as Severance of Late-Age Personnel, or SLAP. Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place through a Survey of Capabilities of Retired-Early Workers, or SCREW. All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management for a Study by Higher Authority Following Termination, or SHAFT. Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get
Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or Combined
Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no
longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) Program. We take pride in the
amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT
than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive
enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
MANAGEMENT
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
known as Severance of Late-Age Personnel, or SLAP. Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place through a Survey of Capabilities of Retired-Early Workers, or SCREW. All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management for a Study by Higher Authority Following Termination, or SHAFT. Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get
Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or Combined
Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no
longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) Program. We take pride in the
amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT
than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive
enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
MANAGEMENT
