here ya got thick dog
If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash
knees, what do gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!
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A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and
said,
"I need to see the upturn, please."
"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination."
"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her
again.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination;
fraternity, maternity... What's the difference? All I know is I,
haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
======================================================================
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and
then stick her with the bill.
======================================================================
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a
pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast
like that?"
said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
======================================================================
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating what was the
world's first profession.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped
with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve,
the first woman?
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the L-rd needed
someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from
nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to
create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter
chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...
======================================================================
He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets
better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
======================================================================
What not to say to the suspicious cop.
"Yes officer, my eyes are bright red from smoking pot. But yours are
also red from all that coffee and doughnuts. So tell me are all red
eyes illegal?"
"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with fuckin' the same hole night after night after night.
I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety."
Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"
To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young man
wentup to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately,
the youngman fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a
sunburn on his "tool of the trade."
This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up
again.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a
tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk
and experienced an immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however,
wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his
Johnson immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde
exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
======================================================================
Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
Her employer found out she was embezzling.
Why are blondes like pianos?
When they aren't upright, they're grand.
George Dubya was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the
kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them"!
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV
and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!"
======================================================================
A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the
aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her
breasts, and her crotch.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is
having a problem. She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the
beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions
again.
She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."
Ears. "Two ears of corn."
Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."
Crotch: "Fantastic."
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