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I'm a 30-year-old female and have been married ten years to a 35-year-old male. My husband works a very physical job, 12 to 13 hours a day, five days a week. We have always found time to be sexually intimate two to four times per week. He recently asked me if I would be sexually intimate with him and another male. He said he doesn't want to be sexually involved with the male partner, but that he wants to watch me with the other guy and then join in the fun. This really shocked me. He has told me that he is not gay or bi but just wants to spice up things. He said it was no big deal if I didn't want to do it, and I said absolutely not. Should I leave this situation alone or go to a counselor?
- confused
dear confused,
What I am about to say may shock you as much as your husband's request. It is actually quite common for individuals to fantasize about their partners with other people -- even those who are in marriages or other committed relationships. I can certainly understand your feeling surprised and wondering about what this all means to him, to you and to this relationship. Some people do start to feel like their relationship is in a rut and then naturally rely on their fantasies to help them out. However, the difficulty lies in the fact that most couples do not share the same exact fantasies! The other thing to keep in mind is that individuals who identify as heterosexual often do fantasize about same-gender partners. Those thoughts may or may not involve actually engaging in sexual activity.
The bottom line is that what you describe is not a surprise to me. I am glad to hear that you felt like you could stick by your belief systems and not participate in any activities with which you do not agree. I always think that therapy or some type of counseling can be useful to couples during difficult times. If you feel that this interaction with your hubby has bothered you to the degree that you can't get beyond it, by all means, seek out some help. Communication is the key to working out difficulties. Just remember, fantasizing is part of being human. Sharing and/or acting out fantasies is one way of spicing things up. Bottom line bros, you need to share your wives and girlfriends with everybody!! Share and share alike.
- confused
dear confused,
What I am about to say may shock you as much as your husband's request. It is actually quite common for individuals to fantasize about their partners with other people -- even those who are in marriages or other committed relationships. I can certainly understand your feeling surprised and wondering about what this all means to him, to you and to this relationship. Some people do start to feel like their relationship is in a rut and then naturally rely on their fantasies to help them out. However, the difficulty lies in the fact that most couples do not share the same exact fantasies! The other thing to keep in mind is that individuals who identify as heterosexual often do fantasize about same-gender partners. Those thoughts may or may not involve actually engaging in sexual activity.
The bottom line is that what you describe is not a surprise to me. I am glad to hear that you felt like you could stick by your belief systems and not participate in any activities with which you do not agree. I always think that therapy or some type of counseling can be useful to couples during difficult times. If you feel that this interaction with your hubby has bothered you to the degree that you can't get beyond it, by all means, seek out some help. Communication is the key to working out difficulties. Just remember, fantasizing is part of being human. Sharing and/or acting out fantasies is one way of spicing things up. Bottom line bros, you need to share your wives and girlfriends with everybody!! Share and share alike.
