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satanic goatslayer
New member
It is always a nerve racking time when you are going to meet your SO’s parents. Will they like me? Will they accept me? It is a time of many questions, but few answers. To help out with the process, I have put together the perfect setting and activities for that fateful night. Tell your girlfriend that you want to set the night up, with no outside help, she should be thrilled.
First, you want to handle dinner. Call the catering company nearest to you and tell them to rush over ASAP to help out with dinner. When the crew arrives, kill them all with a shovel. Boil and skin them, and put them in the freezer for a little while. Obtain some new potatoes and Caesar salad ingredients, and you’re good to go.
Second, you need to handle the libations for the night. Ask your girlfriend what drinks her parents like to indulge in, then tell her it doesn’t matter, it’s moonshine or nothing. If she argues, hang up on her. No need to listen to her negativity.
Third, music is ESSENTIAL. I CANNOT stress this enough. Make a playlist of approx. 10-20 songs. Some great tunes for this occasion:
- Say, say, say – Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
- Let your backbone slide – Maestro Fresh Wes
- Jesse’s Girl – Rick Springfield
- Mr. Bojangles (any rendition)
- Tennessee – Arrested Development (serve watermelon for dessert)
- Jump (supercat remix) – Kriss Kross
- Cocaine Blues – Johnny Cash
- Behind the Scenes – MC Ren
- Overweight Lover – Heavy D
These will win the affections of the parental figures for sure. If not, then you may need to stab them in the ears with sharpened Q-Tips to cure their hearing problems.
Fourth, presentation is EVERYTHING. Using burlap sacks and Christmas balloons, decorate the room and table, making sure everything looks impressive. Use a decapitated head as a centerpiece.
Now, invite the parents over and conduct yourself in the following manner:
Open the door for them, take their jackets for them, steal whatever is in the pockets. Ask them if they would like a drink, if they say yes, pour a martini glass full of shine. Instead of an olive, use a pig’s eyeball.
Sit them at the table, point out the centerpiece, if they gasp in horror, you must use duct tape to restrain them to the chair. You can feed them intravenously. Bring out the first course, the catering crew’s genetalia. Blend them up to a puree, and inject 5cc’s into the parents abdomen. Your girlfriend might start to object, so you’ll have to render her unconscious with a plate and throw her in the closet.
Post injection, untie the parents and ask how the appetizers were. It doesn’t really matter if they liked them or not, they’ll stay until dessert.
They may want to go to the bathroom together to discuss their feelings about you. Let them. This gives you an opportunity to grab a chisel.
Run to the bathroom, bust the door open, and elbow strike the mother in the forehead. She’ll fall to the ground, and the father will try to attack you. Trip him, impale the back of his neck with the chisel and throw him into the bathtub. Stomp the mother’s face into the tile until all of her teeth are gone. Throw her (and her teeth) into the tub with the husband. Fill up the tub with hydrochloric acid (http://www.met.marsulex.com/services.htm#prodsales) and grab your girlfriend. Bring her to the tub, and ask her if she knows what’s in the tub. If she doesn’t know, yell “Mom and Dad didn’t like me, so I threw them in the bathtub and doused them in corrosive acid” and do a rain dance.
Now, she’ll start screaming,so you have two choices. Kill her and throw her in the bathtub
Pros:
No hassle
No witnesses
No whining
Cons:
None
Or, keep her as a girlfriend, but kill her and have her stuffed by a taxidermist.
Pros:
Ornamental
Conversation Piece
Good to use for an archery target
Cons:
Space consuming
So you see, meeting the parents can be both fun AND rewarding. Freeze the rest of the kitchen crew for later consumption. Hold a banquet or something that will attract a lot of people. This is what’s worked for me so far. Feel free to add your own ideas.
First, you want to handle dinner. Call the catering company nearest to you and tell them to rush over ASAP to help out with dinner. When the crew arrives, kill them all with a shovel. Boil and skin them, and put them in the freezer for a little while. Obtain some new potatoes and Caesar salad ingredients, and you’re good to go.
Second, you need to handle the libations for the night. Ask your girlfriend what drinks her parents like to indulge in, then tell her it doesn’t matter, it’s moonshine or nothing. If she argues, hang up on her. No need to listen to her negativity.
Third, music is ESSENTIAL. I CANNOT stress this enough. Make a playlist of approx. 10-20 songs. Some great tunes for this occasion:
- Say, say, say – Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
- Let your backbone slide – Maestro Fresh Wes
- Jesse’s Girl – Rick Springfield
- Mr. Bojangles (any rendition)
- Tennessee – Arrested Development (serve watermelon for dessert)
- Jump (supercat remix) – Kriss Kross
- Cocaine Blues – Johnny Cash
- Behind the Scenes – MC Ren
- Overweight Lover – Heavy D
These will win the affections of the parental figures for sure. If not, then you may need to stab them in the ears with sharpened Q-Tips to cure their hearing problems.
Fourth, presentation is EVERYTHING. Using burlap sacks and Christmas balloons, decorate the room and table, making sure everything looks impressive. Use a decapitated head as a centerpiece.
Now, invite the parents over and conduct yourself in the following manner:
Open the door for them, take their jackets for them, steal whatever is in the pockets. Ask them if they would like a drink, if they say yes, pour a martini glass full of shine. Instead of an olive, use a pig’s eyeball.
Sit them at the table, point out the centerpiece, if they gasp in horror, you must use duct tape to restrain them to the chair. You can feed them intravenously. Bring out the first course, the catering crew’s genetalia. Blend them up to a puree, and inject 5cc’s into the parents abdomen. Your girlfriend might start to object, so you’ll have to render her unconscious with a plate and throw her in the closet.
Post injection, untie the parents and ask how the appetizers were. It doesn’t really matter if they liked them or not, they’ll stay until dessert.
They may want to go to the bathroom together to discuss their feelings about you. Let them. This gives you an opportunity to grab a chisel.
Run to the bathroom, bust the door open, and elbow strike the mother in the forehead. She’ll fall to the ground, and the father will try to attack you. Trip him, impale the back of his neck with the chisel and throw him into the bathtub. Stomp the mother’s face into the tile until all of her teeth are gone. Throw her (and her teeth) into the tub with the husband. Fill up the tub with hydrochloric acid (http://www.met.marsulex.com/services.htm#prodsales) and grab your girlfriend. Bring her to the tub, and ask her if she knows what’s in the tub. If she doesn’t know, yell “Mom and Dad didn’t like me, so I threw them in the bathtub and doused them in corrosive acid” and do a rain dance.
Now, she’ll start screaming,so you have two choices. Kill her and throw her in the bathtub
Pros:
No hassle
No witnesses
No whining
Cons:
None
Or, keep her as a girlfriend, but kill her and have her stuffed by a taxidermist.
Pros:
Ornamental
Conversation Piece
Good to use for an archery target
Cons:
Space consuming
So you see, meeting the parents can be both fun AND rewarding. Freeze the rest of the kitchen crew for later consumption. Hold a banquet or something that will attract a lot of people. This is what’s worked for me so far. Feel free to add your own ideas.
