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F*cking your car

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Excerpt: I beat AAP to it! --- -=-=-=-=-- Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males) -------------------------------------------------- Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.

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  1. #1
    Da Pope Razorguns's Avatar
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    Feb 2004
    Hollywood, Ca 90666
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    Talking F*cking your car

    I beat AAP to it!



    Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males)

    Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.

    'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to
    mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you
    have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.

    The long answer is much more involved, including techniques,
    precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from
    screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.

    The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out.
    So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.

    First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.

    In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should
    therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.

    If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
    period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the
    tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will
    cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call
    screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.

    The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these,
    carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to
    be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without
    your knowing it.

    Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!

    Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the
    tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris
    of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the
    tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind
    the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe.

    Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be
    pleasured by the car.

    You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment.
    The other way (which is much more rewarding) does.

    The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing
    your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the
    sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex.

    What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off.
    When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of
    the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still
    remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is
    good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself.

    Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe
    in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're
    out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe.

    The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You
    need the following equipment:

    1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.

    If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr,
    [email protected]) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is
    essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter
    is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated,
    it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case,
    it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.

    To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',
    a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber
    dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand
    warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've
    had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good
    deal of them at a local discount-type store.

    There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been
    able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get
    through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with
    tailpipes not much bigger than your cock.

    Here is what you need to do:

    1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done
    by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head).

    2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube.

    3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with
    a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight.

    | | |
    | | |
    | | |
    | cut^ |
    | | |
    | | |

    4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you
    can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner
    circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than
    the circumference of your shaft.

    5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush.
    Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the
    middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape
    around the whole thing.

    6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom
    of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from
    the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide.

    7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from

    8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end:

    attach here only
    V ============ <- strip (curled upward a bit)
    ^ \
    / \ |
    | | |
    | | |
    | | |
    \ / |
    V /

    9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based
    lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then
    you'll be using a condom).

    Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well.

    You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one
    is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park
    and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and
    forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels
    well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear -- the higher
    the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to
    rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in.

    You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars,
    since you may not have to chock the wheels -- the weight of the car will
    prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter
    manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts,
    so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less
    play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out.

    Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body
    under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make
    the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire.

    I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the car

    More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than one
    tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock
    faster and harder since the energy of two people will add.

    NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing
    hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car
    will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh)
    -- causing damage to the engine -- or will force the exhaust out. And
    you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City!

    If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or
    fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not
    have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about,
    though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you
    use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom,
    and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember -- oil
    rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant.

    Enjoy your cars!

    --Dekhyr Dragon
    ([email protected])

  2. #2
    Banned myway's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Rep Power

    Re: F*cking your car

    ... but the good news is: U JUST SAVED A TON ON YOUR CAR INSURANCE[I]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. #3

    Re: F*cking your car

  4. #4
    digimon7068's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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    Re: F*cking your car

    Quote Quote posted by 4everhung
    Now that's just f'd up. . .this has the potential to turn into the weirdest thread in a while.

  5. #5
    Da Pope Sassy69's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Nekkid in the sun!
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    Re: F*cking your car


  6. #6

    Re: F*cking your car

    it's the expression on his face that makes it so funny
    like he lost a big bet and there's about a dozen of his buddies watching
    plus he's british

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