Delicious Bar Report...from the OTHER side of the bar

[GoldenDelicious]

yiasou orblings! long time no prowl report!! sorry bout that, been a bit preoccupied

soooooo let me regale you with a tale of the time (well...last night lol ) i went out to a bar and instead of mingling with the local examples of why using depleted uranium might be bad, i actually...worked in the bar

anyway ive been a pharmacist for a while now, and one day, in a moment of clarity, i looked up from my laminex workbench and realised that life as a pharmacist is, in fact, rather boring. i mean, dont get me wrong, advising grandmas of how to smear antifungal jelly all over their war-torn coochie like marmalade on fresh toast is a fairly fulfilling carreer, but lets face it...all the hot chicks buy condoms at woolworths. the chicks *I* get to see in the pharmacy look me up and down and envision how great a cash and drug dispenser like me would look next to their 3 kids (from different fathers) even before they got onto imagining me naked. (okay i lied about the last bit ) and lets face it...thats not for me. something had to be done. why do bank robbers rob banks? cause thats where the money is! and so, i decided to get a job where all the skanks hang out. a bar. besides, i like that bar. its where id be on the weekend anyway lol

so anyway orblings, there i was right, in this bar (that i was working in lol) and lets face it...dressed all in black, i was looking good REALLY good i was kind of like the Zorro of the bardudes, because even though the rest of them were all dressed in head to toe black, i somehow looked...better somehow daring. swashbuckling. heroic, even, with my multi soda pop dispensing nozzle thingo that i dont know the proper name of in one hand, and the other perched jauntily on my hip

aaaaaaand i noticed something...something i thought was impossible...the chicks somehow looked even uglier than usual. no really. they did. i mean, we arent talking normal beergoggle stuff - everyone knows about chicks that go from being a 7 to a 5 in proper lighting without the inch thick layer of makeup - im talking about the local fork tailed wildersloths, who went from being your run of the mill quite scarey 3s and 4s...to hitting the deck and leaving a furrow in the concrete - these bitches were fucking horrible. i think i actually flinched a couple of times. actually, i KNOW i flinched a couple of times. especially that jezebel with the really hot body - you know the tall skinny nicole kidman body types, with long hair - who turned around and showed me that she had been blessed with gums at least 3 times the size of everyone elses. really. it was something out of Alien. her gums were like jacks' beanstalk...they just kept going and going and going and going...she opened her mouth to smile at me, and it was like someone blowing a bubble out of pink chewing gum - the mouth opened, and all you could see was...pink with 5 pieces of rice pretending to be teeth sitting there

anyway i was traumatised, and had to go sit down outside for a while, because my guts were having epileptics. no actually, i sat down because my feet were hurting. standing up = teh suck

anyway, im quite talented at looking distracted (which is fantastic for eavesdropping on peoples conversations ...which is exactly what i did ) and i noticed something else...most men are fucking horribly awesomely stupidly astronomically fucking useless at picking up chicks. oh my God. i had little balls of vomit in my throat listening to the moves these guys were trying to put on note to all the aaps in the audience: the line "hey baby how you doin'?" with an eyetalian accent and that little head swish that you think is cool -is fucking HORRIBLE! while it may feel amusing when you do it, trust me, when you say it, so much blood leaves the girls genitals that theyre in danger of auto-circumcision through spontaneous atrophy

anyway i know thats common sense, but im still a bit boggled by the fact that it happened in real life. ech.

oh its time for the gym. good thing too, im sick of typing. cheerios

 

[DieselGunz]

lmao, boy i can hear on alot of that, black is a good color long as you can wear it well


I hear ya when I am dieting, i dont drink but still hang out sometimes and WOW these girls are not what they used to be


So u quiting or r ya going go for round 2?

 

[string_bean00]

feh

 

[GoldenDelicious]

lmao, boy i can hear on alot of that, black is a good color long as you can wear it well


I hear ya when I am dieting, i dont drink but still hang out sometimes and WOW these girls are not what they used to be


So u quiting or r ya going go for round 2?

this is a self development thing, ill do it for a while longer and see.

lots and lots of the "hey, arent you the guy that..." "YES!" convo with people who know of me tho

also, i have no idea how people do this shit for a living

 

[Island Son]

you stand with a hand on your hip?

but flinching when a chick smiles at you is

 

[rnch]

so how were the tips that night?

 

[GoldenDelicious]

first, i just wanna say that i am officially over working in a bar. its fubaring my beauty sleep (aka looking goodness sleep) and drunk people really, really, reaaaally piss me off. i went into Bouncer Mode the last time i worked, and escorted a cheeky mofo out before i decided to forget this personal development thing and fall back into my old habits of boppage

observing large groups of drunk people is putting me off alcohol really badly, and made the thought of consuming more than a single vodka myself reeeaaallllyyy unnattractive. 90% of people are turned into twats as soon as they start drinking. the other 10% are funny as hell tho although i have taken to teasing them quite badly over the bar

you stand with a hand on your hip?

but flinching when a chick smiles at you is

dude. when i use the word "chick" what im really talking about is the presence of 2 X chromosomes. really, these X chromosome weilders look like wax dummies of normal people...if you left the wax dummies in the sun then lent them to a karate school for people to bop around until they cooled. then, somehow, make them uglier.

and yes, i sometimes stand with my hand on my hip, but only because doing an Al Bundy would get me funny looks

so how were the tips that night?

um, in australia, we have a cute system of paying for things where you, uh...just pay what it says on the menu, and dont leave anything "extra". on the brightside, employers tend to pay people enough money to live on, which is a fantastic thing, since employees dont have to kiss peoples arses to make a living.

that being said, occasionally you get people trying to tip...but i feel soiled by that sort of thing (since im not doing this for the $, and ill be fucked if i accpet $ from a stranger) and lob it into the communal tipping jar thingie

you just know this has ruined my clubbing life

 

[heatherrae]

At least you have very amusing and colorful descriptions when you brag incessantly about yourself...hehehe.

I'm not sure what to think about describing yourself as "swashbuckling" with your dispenser "jauntily" perched at your side...lol.

I loved the auto-circumcision due to atrophy bit, though. I'll have to use that line sometime. Now, working that into a conversation may be tough, but I will manage somehow. ;-)

 

[digimon7068]

LMAO. You are a gifted composer. . .you may have another career ahead of you.

 

[rnch]

yes...being the only sober person in a room full of lushes is NO fun, hey?