can i get a motha fuckin ranger ryme?

[big_bad_buff]

your slackin shit packer. it's been a while.

 

[The Ranger]

How bout his wadgobbler.....Don't know if you've seen this little piece yet....Enjoy


They're in every gym

Well, my training partner Stretch Swanson and I were talking today about the gym members. They're everywhere, and you see them at every gym you visit, join, or workout in. They have had the desire to follow Stretch and I, everywhere we go. Now that they have found out that New Years resoultion is hard work and guts, they're numbers are dwindling at a rapid pace. Looking back, how many can we remember...???

Let's take a look, shall we...

STEVE STICKFIGURE- Steve goes from gym to gym, and has the remarkable ability to let everyone in the gym know how GREAT his body is. He wears all the latest bodybuilding clothes Crazeewear, Otomix, etc. Steve knows more than anyone about training, and is more than happy to share his knowledge. Of course this generally happens when you're in the middle of a rep. It's to bad Steve weighs 135lbs. cell phone, and gold chains included.

THE PEC-DECK POSSE- They generally move in groups of five, so beware!! No one knows for sure how many teams there are, but they run from gym to gym surrounding the pec-deck machine. A word of caution, DO NOT try to enter their circle!! It's a shame they cannot bench their own body weight.

CARLA COROLLA- Carla is quite the ledgend! No one has bigger balls than Carla when it comes to wearing spandex to smooth out cellulite. You can recognize her by the 1/2 inch of cake she wears on her face to smooth out the divots. Carla's name comes from the famous Toyota Corolla than runs forever, and Carla runs from one gym to the next...forever!

ANNA DROL- Anna is the chick that looks like Chyna, benches more than half the dudes in the gym, and has sexual organs longer than a footlong hot dog. Her voice sounds like Tone Loc when she asks for a spot, and stretch marks accross her pecs that would rival the hardest core lifter. After her workout, she disappears in the locker room, only to emerge looking like a monkey wearing a mini skirt...Stretch really digs this chick!

BILL FLOODGATE- Nerdy looking clown, headphones, popular science magazines, I'm sure you've seen him. Fifteen minutes into his workout, he leaves a puddle of sweat on everything he touches. Towels will not work on Bill, so use caution when approaching him!

RANDY RATCHETJAW- This Bozo never works out, stays in the gym for three hours, greets everyone like he's known them for life, and constantly spews forth babble from that wadgobbling hole under his nose. Randy is easy to overcome, a simple slap usually will suffice, but the best method is to inform him that Bill Floodgate needs a spot...Heh heh heh!

LITTLE COUSIN BOBBY- This is the slightly(mentally) challenged guy who works the front desk. Bobby is VERY intense, and generally foams at the mouth when you forget your membership card. DO NOT make Bobby mad!

AUNT BEE- Aqua Net hairdo, leaves a waif of perfume vapor that lingers for three days, sits on a machine for 1 hour showing pictures of her grandchild Opie that looks like the missing link. I know you've seen her....Never discuss a recipe with this broad!!

THE BENCH BUNCH- I don't need to go into this to much. They are three guys who hog the bench, never do legs, and will pile on three times the weight they can actually bench. Their reps consist of the bar dropping at a rapid rate to their chest, while the other two pop blood vessels in their heads to get the bar back up. Once the rep is complete, there are high fives all the way around. Indented chests, and hockey stick legs identify these clowns!

CANDY CARDIOBUNNY- The absolute treadmill wonder of the gym. One solid hour at warp speed for this chick, and all without a rest. Never lifts weights because she doesn't want to look " Bulky " . Candy can be identified simply because she looks as though she could hang glide from a Dorito Chip!

BEN BACKINTHEDAY- Ben's a hoot. He comes up with long lost exercises, and training methods that have been locked away in the pyramids. Poor Ben suffers from ELS, a very rare disorder for which there is no cure. Around the gym it's known as Exageratted Lat Syndrom, which forces the afflicted to walk around bellowing while the arms are extended at 45 degree angles giving the impression of huge, Coleman-like lats. Wide-grip chins have been reported to reduce the effects of this grossly deforming disease.

BUNNY SPANDEX- Gotta love Bunny. She has the unearthly ability to stop workouts, make older men act 18, and has an ass that could crack walnuts whole! She wears the latest " Show me everything " attire, blonde hair, perky breasts, and has a following that would rival Jesus at the gym. Generally accompanied by Arnold Roidhead, so beware!

ARNOLD ROIDHEAD- No gym is complete without a few Arnolds around. Most of the time, the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious guy there. He has a following of slaves that worship his every move and slobber over him and his bulging roidgut. Careful with Arnold though, he will swell up to imense proportions when Bunny Spandex walks in, and it's best not to make eye contact with him or her until she leaves. Arnold must see a doctor at least once per month to have new parts placed in his head to maintain bodily functions.

GARY GOATFARMER- Gary is one of the most hated guys in the gym. Comes in straight off the farm, goatshit splattered boots, dirty jeans, and removes his flannel shirt down to a yellow-stained tee shirt to work out in. Gary can simply clear a room by his presence alone. There is no known defense for Gary, but it has been reputed that soap may reduce the after burner qualities he has!

WILLIE WIFEBEATER- They travel in groups of 2 to 12. Pants straight from MC Hammer's wardrobe with ground dragging crotch. White wifebeater shirts, pasty white skin, hats turned backwards, and at least 10 body peircings spread out all over their 110lb. bodies. Their function at the gym remains uknown at this point.

LARRY LOCKERROOM- Most of the time Larry is in his 70's or 80's at least, no one knows for sure. Larry, after his workout, likes to spend at least an hour in the locker room naked, prancing around with elephant like wrinkles, and more chins than a Chinese Resturant. He will use the blow dryer to dry private parts of his body, and feels no shame at striking up a conversation with you at this point in time. I think my training partner Stretch has the best cure for this. He calls it ABC!! Absolute Bowel Control, as he puts it, his squat hardned ass doesn't hit procelin until Larry has cleared the locker room. I feel this is sound advice and should be followed at all times.

FRED FITNESSTRAINER- Fred has all the certifications, and has passed all the written requirements, he just seemed to forget the physical ones. Usually can be seen with 2 to 3 others built like him, and can be heard telling them what everyone is doing wrong. This of course is bewteen bites from his Twinkies while proclaiming he is bulking for some non-existent powerlifting meet he has been training for, for the last 12 years. Need training? Submit application to Stretch or myself, photo's must be included.

JIMMY CHIA-PET- Jimmy can make the most hard core lifters shudder! He seems normal when he walks in and heads to the locker room, but what exits is straight from the jungles of Bangledash!! Very tight onion-skin running shorts left over from the mid 80's, and nipple showing lifting tee's straight from any hard core BB magazine, and with no socks or shoes, Jimmy is awe inspiring!! He has thick, gorilla-coarse hair that covers every inch of his troll like body, it actually grows up his neck, though generally clean shaved, it's still a very scary site. If you've never seen Jimmy at your gym, see the movie Lord of the Rings, he had several parts in that flick I've been told. I cannot bring myself to see it at this point.

GREG GORILLABOY- Greg works out alone, and is the oppisite of the Benchbunch gang. Greg has very short legs, but his arms drag the gound. Greg can be identified by the roller skates he wears on his hands so his knuckles won't scrape the carpet. Never does bench, he just squats. All of Greg's pants must be special ordered from K-mart.

THE GERBIL- " SHUDDER " I'd rather not go into this, but he's the guy that hides back in the corner watching all the big guys pound iron. Looks like Hannible Lecter, and talks with a lisp. Never make eye contact with him, act like he's not there. Avoid at all costs unless you want a 6 foot by 3 foot plot of ground in his back yard!!

SALLY SPREADLEGS- She comes to the gym to pick up Iron Brothers. Never works out, and can ruin a good workout with one Pall Mall voiced sentence. Has the IQ of a cricket, and can be identified when leaving by the eight children she has in tow. Avoid at all costs, or your gym carrer is over!

KENNY KNOWSTHEMALL- Kenny knows everyone, and he's the GREATEST! If you don't believe him, just ask him. His advice starts out with, " Ronnie told me " or the famous, " Flex has said many times " and lest we not forget " King Kamali and I did " These types generally cannot distinguish between fantasy land and the real gym. It's also a known fact they cannot enter any bodybuilding function due to the pending stalking charges. Depending on your physique level, you may wish to avoid, usually gives sound advice to Arnold Roidhead.

MARK MrO- Marks been training for the Mr. O for many years, very much like Stretch and myself. And Mark is the first to let you know he's going this year, of course we did as well, but our tickets had better seats than his did. Harmless, but can be irritating.

PETER POPAZIT- This gym wonder forgot side effects of steroids and has a roadmap atlas of zits accross his back and chest. He gets his name due to the popping noise his zits make when doing heavy bench and bent over rows...For safety reasons, you should wear goggles when working around Peter!

CARLY CAMELTOE- Carly is AMAZING!! Straight off the treadmill, nice sweat going on, and straight to the weight room for the intense workout protion of her day. Face down on the leg curl machine, tight shorts, up the legs go......Need I say more? Heh heh heh....Although Stretch and I enjoy her presence very much I must add!!

HARLOD HOCKEYSTICKS- The upper body wonder of the gym scene people. Upper body is flawlees in every respect, and actually seems to be a nice guy in a way. Wears nice baggies to workout in, decent shoes, good form, what else could you want. When you see him at the beach is when the shock sets in, Harold never works legs, and in the tight swim suit he's wearing his legs look like hockey sticks, or perhaps he's riding a chicken...Stretch and I are undecided at thias point though.

THE HALF-REP GURUGODS- A must for every gym, and not complete without them. Most of the time huddled around the squat rack with 5 plates on each side. The noise they emit from their pie holes is staggering and done to ensure everyone will pause to watch the enormous feat coming up! I must admit Stretch and I have fallen victim to them at least once or twice. The first of the group bangs head off the bar until blood flows from his forehead(a hardcore habit), unracks the bar emitting a Tarzan like scream, lowers 4 inches into a squat, then stands erect once again to complete the awe inspiring rep. We are generally left dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of this act, yet they precieve it to be God-Like looks of worship...Ignore them and move on!

HAL HALITOSIS- AVOID at all costs. Hal's diet consists of shitburgers for every meal, and his breath reeks of their after effects. If you're caught unaware and he starts a conversation with you, Stretch has the best advice. Take deep breath, turn face to the side, and close one eye, as Stretch puts it, " It's better to be blind in one eye than both eyes! " Truly a nightmare.

DEREK DRUNKGUY- Gibbering to himself, covered in filth, eating his own toenail clippings, curling in the squat rack. There's no end to his perversions!

THE SUPERHERO GANG- Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies, flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!

ANGIE DIMPLEKNEES- The self proclaimed Oreo-Cookie Queen of Bodybuilding. Easily spotted due to the fact you'd have to roll her in flour to find a wet spot. She appears out of hibernation January 2nd, but her life is short lived and returns to hibernation Febuary 3rd for another year. Harmless, but a GREAT cook!!

SPOT PUMPKINHEAD- Rather small High School kid with a head so big, it looks like his neck is trying to blow a bubble. He rushes from member to member giving a spot and advice whether it's needed or not. Very irritating, but Stretch cures this snapper-head with a simple growl....Works wonders!!

Stretch and I have tried to cover all the various characters we have seen in our many travels. I know we can in no way cover them all, but we've tried. Please use caution in your gym should you come in contact with one, or several of these types....

Until next time....Bleed Iron my Iron Brothers!



Ranger

 

[The Ranger]

THE CONVERSATION

The young Brother walked forward,
His face sad and drawn.
He held out a callused hand,
And felt these scars were wrong.

The Iron God stepped up,
And smacked his hands with a clap,
And through the chalky mist, he said.
"Young Brother, what is this crap?"

The young Brother drew away and sniffed,
Hid his eyes while wiping a tear.
"I've given you my best Iron God,
And bled Iron for a solid year!"

"It seems that I make no gains,
There was a time, I thought I could.
And the pain is getting harder,
It causes more harm now…than good!"

The Iron God stood there staring,
Then locked on the young one's eyes.
He searched his mind from "Back in the Day",
And re-called something clever and wise.

" Your ashamed of those hands,
But wear those calluses with pride.
For many an Iron Brother,
With callused hands lay down and died."

"It's not how many sets,
Nor the exercise…now is it?
It's when you feel the pain,
And it makes you want to quit."

The young Brother hung his head,
And flexed those callused hands.
"But Iron God", he said so softly,
"You just don't understand."

"Down there we are out numbered,
And the common one's are the worst.
They look and stare…they use bad form,
And they say the Iron Brothers are cursed."

"They never hit the squat rack,
And sometimes I have fallen prey.
Then they leave, and I'm in the zone,
But they're back, the very next day."

The Iron God squared his jaw,
Then tapped a thick, scarred finger.
And on the young Brother's face,
His eyes did sadly linger.

"This Iron war is not won,
By those who just say,"Screw it",
It is won by the Iron Brother's,
Who decide they can do it!"

"But what about the common one's,
Who are misled in their lives.
They've never felt the pain I know,
I can see it in their eyes?"

"You cannot help them young Brother,
Nor dictate their sad chosen path.
You cannot stop their ignorance,
Nor heal their weekend wrath's."

"Bleed Iron at the Iron Bar Throne,
And the pain will someday cease.
Then return to your one room house,
If only for an hour…know your peace!"

"But Iron God", the young Brother started,
His heart heavy with lead.
"I know the common one's down there,
They wish that I were dead!"

"I feel their stares burning,
They laugh and fling their mud.
Yet, who is there to thank me?
When I sweat my Iron Blood?"

The Iron God pursed his lips,
His answer lay unknown.
For he to had felt the pain,
A pain that hurts to the bone.

"There are no easy answers,
For the ache that you feel.
But appreciation, and their praise,
I'm afraid ain't a part of the deal."

"The respect will come with gratitude,
And admiration from the Iron Brother's too!
But, it will not come from the common one's,
Who cannot do what we can do!"

The young Brother felt the tears,
And looked down at his callused hands.
He knew he could not quit,
As he had already planned.

For now, he saw those callused hands,
Not just as something he does.
They are not just a symbol,
IT MADE HIM WHAT HE WAS!

AN IRON BROTHER

RANGER

 

[The Ranger]

E2 and his Skank!

Twas the night before the contest,
And fuck it was neat.
The sus 250 was kicking,
And the whore was in heat!

The computer was shut down,
The phone was off the hook.
It was time for some pussy,
As my hard-on shook!

The skank in her teddy,
And I in the nude.
Just hit the bed,
And reached for the lube!

When out on the lawn,
There arose such a cry.
That I lost my hard-on,
And the skank went dry!

Up to the window,
I sprang like an elf.
Tore back the shades,
As skank fingered herself!

The moon on the crest,
Of the snowman I'd built.
Showed a broom up his ass,
Clear to the hilt!

When what to my wondering,
Eyes should appear.
The Ranger from the Elite Board,
Showing no fear!

Rippled in muscle...
6% body fat.
Ranger stood grinning,
From where he was at!

He looked to his crotch,
And gave it a rub.
Laughed like hell,
Then puked on my shrubs!

I put on my pants,
To cover my ass.
When through the front door,
He came in with a crash!

Is this a whore house,
He yelled with a smile.
The T200 is rock'in,
And it's been a while!

He walked into the kitchen,
Had GHB for a drink.
Then pulled out his cock,
And pissed in the sink!

I wanted to laugh,
The whore smiled with glee.
Ole Ranger was hung,
Clear down to his knee!

He reached in his pocket,
A box of condoms was his find.
Then pulled out 6 pair of panties...
The edible kind!

He looked at the skank,
And almost shit.
Damn she's ugly,
I think I'll split!

He stumbled to his car,
But his feet were like lead.
Slipped on the ice,
And farted instead!

He started the car,
It fired up without a hitch.
I'm getting out of here E2...
Your skank is a BITCH!!

Ranger

 

[The Ranger]

Sacrafice


It was the night before the contest,
the Iron Brother lived all alone.
In a one bedroom house,
made of plaster and stone.

The Iron God came to this home,
for dedication that the Iron Brother did give.
And to look upon the squaller,
where the Iron Brother did live.

He had scars and stretch marks,
sprains and strains of all kinds.
And one pensive thought,
came through the Iron God's mind.

The Iron Brother's house was different,
inside was dark and dreary.
He found the home of an Iron Worshipper,
at once, he could see this clearly.

The Iron Brother lay sleeping,
breathing softly...so silent and alone.
Curled up on the floor,
in this one bedroom home.

The Iron God realized,
of all the Brothers he saw this night.
They were all commited to the Iron Throne,
and the Iron Bar, they were willing to fight.

Iron Brothers around the world,
knew the price they had to pay.
They bleed their Iron through overtime,
and rarely enjoy the light of day.

They bypassed good times, and parties,
each day, every month of the year.
The Iron God felt a kinship,
to the Iron Brother laying here.

The Iron God couldn't help but wonder,
how many Brothers lay alone.
And bodies ached throughout the night,
in these small, one bedroom homes.

Just the very thought,
brought a tear to the Iron Gods eye.
He then dropped to his knees,
and the Iron God began to cry.

The Iron Brother awakened,
and croaked out in a rough voice.
Iron God don't cry,
this life is my choice.

I lift to feel the freedom,
and I do not ask for more.
My life is yours Iron God,
and my body, to it's very core.

The Iron Brother breathed deeply,
and then lay quite, in his eternal sleep.
The Iron God couldn't control it,
and he softly, continued to weep.

The Iron God sat watch,
so silent...and so still.
Until he began to shiver,
at the coldness, of this nights chill.

He didn't want to leave,
on that dark and dreary night.
For the Guardian of the Iron Throne,
lay in death, before the Iron God's sight.


Ranger

 

[The Ranger]

THE CREATION


The Iron God did look upon the world,
With the common one's weak of mind.
He spake unto his Iron Disciples,
Saying, " I'll make a Brother of a different kind!"

For three days the Iron God labored,
The Disciples begged, " Finish it tomorrow!"
The Iron God did not reply,
For the world was in such sad sorrow.

The seventh day Iron God stood proud,
Iron Disciples did gather round.
They stood in awe of the Brother before them,
Yet, he did not utter a sound.

" Does he speak?" The Disciples asked.
Curiosity wrinkled upon their brow.
" He does not speak any words of mouth,
Though his gains doth speak out loud!"

" Behind those massive pec's,
Is what separates him from you.
Deep beneath the blood and gristle,
Is a Heart of Iron…Beating true!"

" Those Bicep peaks, and wide thick Tri's,
I made from a likeness of me.
Grab the tape, my Iron Disciples,
For they measure a cold, hard 23!"

"Admire the Squat thickened legs,
Most will turn away in distaste.
But, this body with no foundation,
Is just a body…waiting to waste!"

" Those forearms, bulging and tapered,
With veins rising to greet the skin.
Anything less than this perfection,
And I would start all over again!"

" And gaze in wild wonder, upon those lat's,
Spread out, so thick, and wide.
That " V " shape there before you,
Down there he won't be able to hide!"

" This is the first of many,
Who will fight for their place down there.
Anything aside the Iron Bar Throne,
Will cross his mind without a care!"

" This Iron Brother shall walk unequal,
All different…yet each one the same.
They will pass from the shadows silently,
Just nobody's…with no names!"

" They'll preach our Gospel, from the Throne,
Few will listen unto his words.
Blood of the palms, and the screams of pain,
Upon deaf ears…shall go unheard!"

An Iron Disciple moved forward,
Then stepped back, hiding his fear.
For upon that chiseled cheek,
Sat a single…golden tear.

" He hath sprung a leak!" Muttered one.
As they all continued to stare.
The Iron God shook his massive head,
And whispered, " I did not put that there."

" Step forward and gaze upon this face,
And remember this golden tear.
For it is the ultimate reminder,
It's "WE" Down there they fear!"

" That tear is a final testament,
To the sleepless nights, filled with pain.
And the Grunts through the chalk filled mists,
That will hide his hard fought gains!"

" That tear is our conviction,
To shoulder our burdens well.
Earning the right to the Iron God World,
He will first, lift his days through Hell!"


RANGER

 

[The Ranger]

Dating Gym Bunnies


I must say, Stretch and I have had our fill of dating local Gym Bunnies. They have to be the hardest creatues on earth to understand, why God put them here is still beyond the both of us. They've even started calling us " Milk-men " simply because each one that we date, puts an expiration date on the realtionship.

So, Stretch and I have decided to help our fellow Iron Brothers from making the same mistakes we have made. If our advice contained in this top secret report helps one failing realtionship, we have achieved our ultimate goal.

Ranger and Stretch's Guide To Dating Gym Bunnies:

The Top 30:


1. All Iron Brother's only see in 12 different colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color!

2. If you don't dress in Spandex at the gym, or something from Victoria's Secrets when we go out, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys!

3. If you think you're holding to much fat pre-contest, you probally are. Don't ask us. Guys, never answer this question! Change the subject by asking them about Peach Colored shirts.

4. Birthday's, Anniversaries, and Valentines Day are not a quest for us to find the perfect gift. Our wisdom has taught us that lifting gloves, and chalk do not qualify as " perfect " gifts!

5. If you ask a question about training and diet you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you really don't want to hear!

6. When we lift, we're not thinking about you. Live with it! If you ask us what we're thinking, expect answers about max reps, myoplex, nitro-tech, and what Ronnie Coleman does for back day.

7. Sunday=Sports!! Let this one be.

8. Shopping for new Aerobic shoes does not count as a sport. It never will, and we refuse to think of it that way.

9. Other than the gym, if we have to go somewhere. Anything you wear will be fine....Really!

10. Crying about weight gain is blackmail!

11. Ask for what you want: Lets be very clear on this one, subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just spit it out!

12. No, we don't know what day it is. Unless it's arms and chest day, leg day, deadlift day...etc. Mark all important dates on the calendar.

13. Peeing while standing up after heavy deadlifts is difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. Deal with it!

14. Most Iron Brothers own 3 pair of shoes. We cannot pick one pair out of thirty that will look good in your Pilates Class. Don't ever ask that again.

15. Yes, and No are excellent answers to all our questions.

16. Come to us with a problem only if you want our help in solving it. Sympathy is what other Gym Bunnies are for!

17. Headaches and sore muscles from Areobics Class that last 12 months is a major problem. Go see a doctor.

18. Foreign love films are best left to foreign countries. Unless it has Arnold in it, or war, and Bruce Lee movies are an exception as well.

19. Love Quiz's...It's in neither your best interest, or ours to take one of these together!

20. Anything we said 6 months ago does not count in an argument. All comments made after heavy deadlift day become null and void in 24 hours.

21. We're going to ogle other Spandex wearing Gum Bunnies, let us do it. We cannot help this act, it's genetic, and there is no known cure for this.

22. Please respect our quite moments. Say whatever you have to say during commercial breaks....We thank you on this one.

23. Chalk is as exciting to us, as matching sport tops are to you.

24. If we ask what's wrong, and you say nothing. We will act like nothing is wrong and continue our workout.

25. We know when you tell a little white lie about your weight and body fat percentage...it's just not worth the hassel.

26. We grunt. It's what we do, if the door is closed and we're grunting...don't knock!

27. You have plenty of workout clothes, and too many shoes, don't tell us you have nothing to wear.

28. We compare ourselves to other Iron Brothers, the same way you compare yourself to other Gym Bunnies. We go up and ask advice from them, you pick their bones clean.

29. Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio are not ripped. We hate to burst this fantasy...Deal with it!

30. Extra protein we take in has certain side effects. We cannot always be discreet. Practice holding your breath, this will also benefit you in areobics class. So in a way, we're doing this to help you.


It is Stretch and Ranger's wishes that this be cut out, and placed where every Gym Bunny can see it. It could, one day, help all our Iron Brothers in realtionship issues.

Stretch and I thank you,

Ranger

 

[The Ranger]

The Iron Brother


Our days at the Iron Throne will always last,
And our pain we take with pride.
The common one's talk when we are gone,
They say the Iron Brotherhood has died.

It was an old Iron Brother who stepped up front,
With gray hair on his ancient head.
Smacked his callused hands together,
And through the chalky mist he said!

" Now the common one's are always talking,
About our long gone," Back in the Day."
And I for one miss the things we've lost,
Somewhere along the way!

It's true they're not as many Brother's,
Sweating at the Iron Bar Throne.
But, Brother's I'm here to tell you now,
These changes are forever gone!

An Iron Brother is still a Brother,
And hard fought gains are his pay.
Pain and sweat are constant companions,
And I tell you, we're here to stay!

In the springtime we all have cycled,
Our bodies jacked with test.
And the Iron God's eyes shine upon us,
When in the summertime we look our best!

Now my day has come and gone,
And in my time I was GRAND!
My time is close, my Iron Brother's,
I'm just an Iron Worshipping old man!

We stood in awe of this Iron Brother,
And what he had to say.
About our Brotherhood and the Intensity,
And our Desire to lift each day!

Sometimes from the Iron Throne,
Amoung the sweat and cries.
We still see the old Iron Brother,
Through the Intensity we show in our eyes.

Echo's of the past won't fade away,
A thousand warrior's we have known.
Their memories are in back with the chalk dust clouds,
Counting out each rep with a groan!


Ranger

 

[The Ranger]

Gods of Thunder


The Iron Brother stood and faced his God,
Which must always come to be.
He hoped his hands were callused enough,
So his spirit may be set free.

" Step to the Iron Throne, Brother,
How shall I deal with you?"
" Have you bled Iron daily,
To this throne have you been true?"

I give homage to this Iron Throne,
And at times my talk was tough.
Sometimes I've been violent,
Cause this life is fuck'in rough.

Yea, I never scammed a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep.
I pounded Iron through overtime,
When the gains came to steep.

I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times, I shook with fear.
And sometimes Iron God forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I do not belong in this place,
Among the people down here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Iron God,
It needn't be so grand.
I won't expect you to spot too much,
And if you don't, I'll understand.

There was silence around the Iron Bar Throne,
Where Iron Brothers had often trod.
As the Brother waited quietly,
For the judgement of his Iron God.

You do not belong down there,
With those who stare in wonder.
Your place is here, Brother,
Among the Gods of Thunder.

Step forward now, Brother,
You've lifted your burdens well.
Lift peacefully with your Iron Brothers,
You've done your time in HELL !!!


Ranger

 

[The Ranger]

The DEA Christmas Poem


Twas the night before Christmas and I was a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
Customs has my gear high upon their shelves,
"Physically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And lifting conditions here at the gym,
Have changed alot and my cycle looks dim.

Four packages vanished without much propriety,
They think it's a crime against Society.
And equal employment has made it quite clear,
That DEA won't release my gear.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Fucked me out of my gear, and now I look stupid!

I had hopes of starting my cycle today,
But my " supplements " were deemed dangerous by the FDA,
And millions of people were calling the Law,
Because we want a body, perfect, without a flaw.
Second-hand smoke from crack keeps me frightened,
But gear is wrong because most are "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
They look at me funny because I continue to grow.
We've written letters to the leaders of this great Nation,
Yet, they still have my gear, and I've no compensation.


And as for gifts...why, I'd never had the notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, not a thing anymore...
Nothing under the tree, so Thanks, ya fat, fucking Whore!
Nothing to swallow, Nothing to inject,
Nothing ya fucker, not one thing to expect!

No candy or sweets, they're bad for both body and tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon this awful truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
Are alot like my gear, and better off hidden

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
Besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
And I caused no harm to the bastards taking my gear away.

So when Santa stands here tonight looking disheveled, and perplexed,
The fat, jolly bastard better know what to do next?
If he tries to be merry, or tries to be gay,
He'll soon find out I'm having a very bad day.
If the fucker's sack is empty, if it's flat on the ground,
It won't be acceptable unless my gear can be found.

Nothing special is needed, just my gear tonight,
Give to us all, and make this shit right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
So I can start my cycle and continue the Iron Religion.
Every race, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you!
Better give me my gear, or I'll beat ya black, and blue!


And now to the fucker's who took my gear,
While this Jolly fat fuck is standing here!
Call customs and tell them to let my presents pass,
Or I'm snapping a foot off in St. Nick's hairy ass!


Ranger