The bane of my existence...

[GenetiKing]

...is my father.

He is undoubtedly the most cold-hearted, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-righteous, pig-headed, stubborn, controlling and physically lazy person I have ever known.

He treats me like I'm such a bitch, he fucking thinks he owns me. Why do I continually let him dominate me like that? Almost all the unhappiness in my life stems from my fucked-up relationship with him. Why won't he listen to me?!!?

He thinks everything I do is pointless and childish unless it meshes with him and his 56 year old priorities. Example: He believes bodybuilding is "gay" and a waste of my time. I should be "pursuing other things" and I should "grow up" and leave the gym. Fuck him!!

I have always respected him and did what he expected of me. As I look back on it, my entire 23 years on this planet were a constant yet futile effort to measure up to his unachievable standards. All I ever wanted was to make my father proud of me. It's probably the underlying psychological reasons I got turned on to weight training in the first place...I have always constantly pursued perfection. But I'm growing sick of his moral and emotional constrictions. He expects me to live my life just like he has...just as he wants me to. I've sacrificed so many things so he would be proud of me and I still get his drunk speeches about how "I need to grow up" and "I need to get my priorities straight."

The shit about hit the fan last night. I do not want to estrange myself from my father for the rest of my life but it seems to be heading in that direction. The older I get, the less affection I have for him. How fucking sad. Thanks for taking me fishing when I was little Dad...wait, you NEVER did shit like that with me!

Provide for me? Yes, he's an exceptional financial supporter.
Love me? I don't know. I don't think he's capable.

I'm sorry, Dad. I tried.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[MattTheSkywalker]

When people are little children, they generally look at their parents as superheroes. A little boy sees how big his father is, and thinks he can move mountains or that when he leaves the house in the morning, he goes off to tackel monster issues.

As you get a little older, into your teen years, you see that your Dad has a job, everybody's Dad has a job. But the adult world is still foreign to you. You still think that what your parents are doing is magic in a way - they deal with big issues like paying taxes and a mortgage and cars, etc.

Even until your early 20's (or until college graduation) you kind of attach an aura to your parents. But as you
start to do things on your own, you see that you are dealing with the same shit they do or did.

You see them as regular people, which is exactly what they are. Sometimes, what they are is saddening, as in your case. He truly my not be able to love you.

I see my parents as two regular people who sacrificed their best years so that I (and my siblings) could be in a position to succeed.

Now, remember also that parents live through their children in ways that you can't understand until you have your own child. everyone wants the best for their own kids. Every parent wants their kid to go to Harvard or to play pro baseball.

Setting high standards for children is normal. Pushing children to achieve is necessary for them to succeed.

Additionally, parents (as much as we hate it) often have wisdom in their words. When I was in high school I used to do absolutely nothing but play basketball. I got decent grades but didn't even care.

My parents incessantly gave me crap about it, told me to take care of the grades, etc. I was able to pursue the dream pretty far - I got a scholarship to a Division 1 school. But academically, college was a joke to me. I now have a degree from a school that isn't anything special.

If I had played one fewer hour each day and did school work, I could have played at an Ivy League school and have a degree that opens every door. They're Division 1 also.

Sometimes there is wisdom in what parents say. It is our challenge to find it lest we repeat their mistakes.

Best of luck.

 

[GenetiKing]

Thanks Matt.

 

[Kahn]

Matt had good points but he isn't the only story out here. Mine sounds kinda like yours without the exceptional financial provider part. I had a drunken piece of shit that beat me and my mother for 12 yrs. Not my sisters, though. I quit talking to him for 13 yrs when I was 20 because he sold my car(I'm a Junior so the names were the same). My grandfathers funeral got us talking again and now he sees his mistakes. He still has the same probs because mostof his are because of not communicating. He doesn't talk enough. Check that avenue with yours if you can. Don't know if it had anything to do with his newfound respect but I gained about 50lbs of beef so when he saw me he got the holy shit feeling. Hopefully between the communication and respect you two can figure it out. We missed out on a lot of shit because of it.

 

[GLP]

Dude that sucks! But your 23 now time to say fuck it. If he is not giving anything positive in the relationship dont talk to him for awhile.
My dad use to drink alot and tear up shit when me and my bro were kids. Guess what when we got old enough did the same thing. Because of the relationship you have with your dad it will effect you later in life. If you know it or not. Geneticking you aslo sound depressed dude Prozac helps with depression peroid! It takes awhile to work(bout 6 weeks) I am sure that has saved many people form the torments their own brains can inflict on them.

 

[GenetiKing]

I'm sure it's a kick-ass feeling walking up to your Dad 50 lbs heavier after he hadn't seen you in a long time. Gave you a sense of pride, didn't it? Very cool...

Well, fortunately, my father has never been violent with my mother, me, or my brother. He's very "non-emotional" all the way around. He keeps his emotions in check better than anyone I've ever seen...too much so. I guess I went too far in saying that he doesn't love me. I know he does. But he has never even hugged me. Never. I've never even seen him touch my mother...ever. I've never seen them kiss. I can remember going over to my friends' houses when I was little and seeing their parents hug, kiss, and all that shit and I was in shock. It was something I had never seen before. The only time I ever touched my Dad was when I went off to college. I remember having all my shit packed inmy car in the driveway and I tried to hug him and it wigged him out, made him feel really uncomfortable I could tell. He didn't hug me back.

My Dad thinks that he is a good father because he is a superior provider. A breadwinner he is, a caretaker he is not. He thinks emotions are "bullshit." I've heard that many a time. I look up to him so much (still!) yet in so many ways I resent him for the way he's fucked me up. I remember my ex-girlfriend was always complaining and shit because I never hugged or kissed her that much, especially in public...but I just felt awkward doing...it was never done to me and I never saw it between my parents.

But no, thank God he was never physically abusive. I know many fathers are that way, especially when drunk. I just get tired of his fucking "you-owe-me" attitude toward me just cuz he makes a lot of money and has been financially successful. I'm his child for Christ's sake! Sorry I'm such a goddamn burden and this huge disappointment because I'm not a broker on WallStreet yet. Damn! If he would just show me support and encouragement, I would die for the man. If I knew my father was behind me, I would go to the ends of earth for him...but I don't have those feelings.

Just let this be a heads up to all you guys out there pursuing the almighty dollar at the expense of everything else. Success, ambition, and drive are great things...but they are definitely not everything. Sounds cliche but very true. I know from firsthand experience.

Thanks for the replies Matt and Kahn.

Usually people won't touch these kind of posts with a ten-foot pole.

 

[GenetiKing]

GLP,
You are right...I should just say fuck it. I need to grow the balls and leave all this behind.

It's still hard though.

 

[Kahn]

ooooo King, that is Old School shit working in him. I'd bet my life he got the same deal from his dad that you are getting from him. Talking is definately the deal I recommend. Getting through to him is a whopper of a task though, he's been entrenched for so long, it might be a waste of time. Won't know till you try though. Its best to take care of yourself though. I get caught doing the same shit my parents did and I helped fuck up my first marraige with it. I can't figure out how the parents think we are worse off then them when we are the ones improving what they could not do. My recommendation is to take care of yourself for the long run, which might be to cut ties for a while and NEVER FORGET what it feels like so you don't make the same mistakes with yours. Drop this shit at the next corner, too, its too heavy to walk around with and its not worth it. Good luck and take off on your own. Its time to fly

 

[GenetiKing]

ooooo King, that is Old School shit working in him. I'd bet my life he got the same deal from his dad that you are getting from him.

Yep. You nailed that square on the head. That's the way BOTH his parents did him. He is very hard to talk to. He can deal with numbers...just not people. Thanks bro...

 

[john937]

You dad sounds Very normal. Men are taught not to be emotional or physical with each other. Particularly adult men. He could probably hold you when you were a baby, but it pushes his faggot buttons to try now. This sounds exactly like my father. I moved out of state for 10 years before moving back. Later we wound up being pretty ok.
Give 'em a break. He didn't beat you, and he provided for 20+ years. That's something. If you're living at home you need to move out.