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Anger Management Classes - My Experience

A couple of months ago, I pleaded down an assault charge to that of uttering threats. My sentence was anger management classes, seven of them spread over a three month period.

I figured it would be no big deal, I have a good grip on my anger, so this couldn't possibly be anymore difficult than going to the grocery store or gas station.

I arrived at the community centre about 5 minutes late. My television had been acting up, so I had to take my time destroying it with a golf club. I walked in and was greeted by a short man in his mid 40's, who was wearing a purple jumpsuit.

"Hello, and welcome to 'Anger Out......Happiness In'. I'm Patrick, and I'm your host for this first of many meetings"

Great. Not even 45 seconds into this thing, and already I'm having to deal with flagrant homosexuality and excessive kindness.

I shrugged it off and took a seat next to an elderly chinese man.

"Hohohoho" he laughed in his chinese accent.

"What's so funny?" I queried, hoping to understand him.

"You no wearing tie oh anyting else fomal...hohohohoh" he continued.

I hate the chinese. I really, really do. I was just getting prepared to gouge his eyes out with my fingers when the class leader began to speak.

"Welcome to the path to tolerance. The path that leads you to happiness, prosperity, and love. My name is Stuart and I will be your leader for the next three months" he rambled.

"Over the next three months, we will explore our true feelings, and how our inner nature defines how we behave. We will also discuss methods of changing our behaviour to fit into society better"

After that, the chinese man coughed without covering his mouth and the snot landed directly on my face.

"Listen Zipperhead!! I came here to relax and learn about anger management. Not to be someone's kleenex." I told him.

"Hohohohohohoho....you veddy funny...hohohohohoh"

I began to strangle him with some shoelaces I had bought earlier that day. His face turned a darker shade of yellow, and his eyes began to pop out of their slants.

"YOU, BACK THERE! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" Stuart bellowed.

I stopped.

"Sorry. I don't know what came over me"

The chinese man then took out a piece of bamboo and poked me in the ear with it. My pain threshold is rather high, so I shrugged this one off yet again, and decided to go to the bathroom to shoot some heroin to calm me down.

(5 minutes later)

"You sir! I would like to use you as an example for a second, if you don't mind" I heard Stuart say.

Fine. If it will get me away from Mao Tse-tung, then I am more than happy to oblige.

"Sir, what is it that triggers your anger?" he asked.

"Stupidity, hypocrisy, and general incompetence" I replied.

"When you look at me, what goes through your mind?"

"The fact that I want to decapitate you and feast on your blood and bone marrow" I informed him.

Stuart turned an odd shade of white and told me to go sit down in my seat, so I did.

"You likea eating people...hohohohohohoh" the slant-eyed mongrel mocked at me.

"At least I don't eat cats or dogs, you chinese cocksucker" I retorted.

"I KILL YOU, I KILL YOU!!!" the short man yelled as he lunged at me with a sharpened chopstick.

Luckily, I had been doing Tae-Bo when my TV crapped out, so I had my agility honed up. I deked him out and grabbed his wrist turning the chopstick towards himself. I then forced the chopstick directly up the chinaman's nostril, where it lodged sturdily.

"YOU DIE NOW!!!" and again he ran at me, this time with his bare hands.

He delivered what I assumed to be the Dim Mak to my midsection, sending me flying across the room and into Patrick, who was watching on with horror.

I stabbed Patrick with my used syringe and went back to my friend, the yellow warrior.

"Time to die, my friend" I told him. This wasn't wise, as I was originally attending this thing for uttering threats.

I grabbed a pot of coffee, which was placed on a table for easy access, and I poured the contents on him, causing his skin to begin to peel. I thought he would pass out from the pain, but he came charging at me yet again with another chopstick (possibly the one that was lodged in his nose) screaming like a madman.

I knew I had to end this quickly, or face jail time, so I pulled out a small pipe bomb that I had made for just such an occasion. I hit him over the head with it and strapped it to his abdomen. I lit it with a strike anywhere match, and took cover behind Patrick.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

I looked up and saw blood and organ matter splattered all over the room. I laughed heartily, knowing that I had single-handedly saved the world from communist rule.

One down, six to go. I can already feel the tolerance and compassion flowing through my veins.
 
Damn, between the posts by Satanic, and HappyScrappy, I laugh my ass off all day long.

Keep it up, please! :)
 
hohoho veddy funny!

May I suggest you get out of bed on the other side in the morning? May help the disposition a tad....
 
LMAOF! I always find SG's stories to provocative and thought provoking. You are cool. :cool:
 
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