A New Beginning

Well, made it through the night without a slip. Now I just get to worry about thanksgiving.

PS - how weird is it that Chris took that picture and never mentioned a word of it to either of us? wtf man

So I had kind of a crazy day today. I was at the dive shop most of the day learning how to service gear and other dive business related stuff. for once, it was kinda normal being around my ex and there was no weirdness or him trying to mess with my head or anything. At one slow point I was meandering through the computer there when I located some pictures from my July trip out to hatteras that I'd never seen before (mostly of the dolphins we snorkelled with between dives one day). Out of nowhere, like a bucket of cold water in my face, is possibly the sweetest picture I've ever seen. It was myself and stephen asleep, partially on some couch pillows, partially on the floor, a blanket haphazardly draped over us, cuddled up about as close as two people can be. Even our cheeks were touching. It was innocent, sweet, and so......full of love.

I couldn't breathe for a minute. I'd never even known this picture existed, and judging from stephen's reaction when he looked over my shoulder to see why I had said, "oh, ," neither had he. After a few more choice curse words, I didn't say anything for a while, and then I just walked away. When I came back, I deleted the picture from the computer. We didn't talk the rest of the day (which was thankfully only about twenty minutes).

Please god help me keep my resolve here. He is not the right person for me, I'm sure of it. I deserve more, I know that. But I do remember now what it felt like....that intimacy that made sleeping like that the most normal, comfortable thing in the world. And not having it anymore makes me feel so completely alone. And I'm sitting in my condo alone, having a beer I really don't need, but do. I know that I need to be careful right now because if I drink enough my resolve will fall and I will probably b/p.

The winters here are brutal. I don't mind the cold so much, but since the valley is surrounded by mountains we get an inversion. It's basically a cloud of moisture saturated with pollution that just settles in and blocks the sun for days. It's so dreary and dirty and it exhausts you because you're really breathing in all of the emissions from all of the cars, factories, and refineries in the valley. It takes a bit more effort to get out of bed when that rolls in.

They are mine as well. I get hit by the gray months something fierce. It's a combination of lack of sun, cold weather that makes me want to be less active, and less access to the things that keep me happy.

Good idea nef, we can't underestimate the power of not getting sunlight during these ty holiday months.

Driving for me is a fight against music vs open window / natural sounds. When it's summer the choice is easy and driving can be really relaxing. Winter time i don't want to open the windows so the music goes on. I feel strangled and anxious. Traffic seems slower, mind starts racing, agitation increases.

Nov, Dec, and Jan are my hardest months to deal with life in general. Always.

I'm not good enough at sitting still for that OB lol....diving is like my meditation. All you can hear is your own breathing and when you get your buoyancy right, it's like being weightless. No diving for me for a while though outside of being in the pool. I'm thinking about a quick trip somewhere in december of january, just by myself. I could use a shot of sunshine and some blue green water.

I slept 10 hours last night and feel a lot better. Everything's at the back of my mind for now, at least. I've been thinking of seeing a therapist but I have no idea how to go about looking for one. I'm still shaky every once in a while and would appreciate it if it would stop. Going to talk to my brain... BRB.

nef have you ever tried mindful breathing or meditation? The easiest thing to do is to breath normally through the nose and focus your attention on the coolness of the air coming in and the warmth of the air going out. Actually focus on the sensations you feel within your nose, especially on the very end. Then also feel your stomach rising and falling with the breath. Stomach expands, cool air hitting the nostrils, stomach contracts, warm air going out.

I'm doing this right now. It's like a tiny little hit of morphine (when i can remember to do it)

Me too, and i grit my teeth something awful.