So I had kind of a crazy day today. I was at the dive shop most of the day learning how to service
gear and other dive business related stuff. for once, it was kinda normal being around my ex and there was no weirdness or him trying to mess with my head or anything. At one slow point I was meandering through the computer there when I located some pictures from my July trip out to hatteras that I'd never seen before (mostly of the dolphins we snorkelled with between dives one day). Out of nowhere, like a bucket of cold water in my face, is possibly the sweetest picture I've ever seen. It was myself and stephen asleep, partially on some couch pillows, partially on the floor, a blanket haphazardly draped over us, cuddled up about as close as two people can be. Even our cheeks were touching. It was innocent, sweet, and so......full of love.
I couldn't breathe for a minute. I'd never even known this picture existed, and judging from stephen's reaction when he looked over my shoulder to see why I had said, "oh, ," neither had he. After a few more choice curse words, I didn't say anything for a while, and then I just walked away. When I came back, I deleted the picture from the computer. We didn't talk the rest of the day (which was thankfully only about twenty minutes).
Please god help me keep my resolve here. He is not the right person for me, I'm sure of it. I deserve more, I know that. But I do remember now what it felt like....that intimacy that made sleeping like that the most normal, comfortable thing in the world. And not having it anymore makes me feel so completely alone. And I'm sitting in my condo alone, having a beer I really don't need, but do. I know that I need to be careful right now because if I drink enough my resolve will fall and I will probably b/p.
A New Beginning
Support group for EF members recovering from addictions and/or disorders.