A New Beginning

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Hey gang,
I haven't been around much and I miss you guys.

Lol. God, you can tell I wrote that after my benadryl and melatonin kicked in. Thanks trex, I've been trying to focus on things I have, that I've always had, that are important to me. It still stings to have lost everything, but in a way it's nice to know I have a clean slate, a ton of motivation, and the most perfect little partner in the world to share it with. I just need to keep my head out of my ass.

jnevin it sounds like you have laid out a good plan for a few aspects of your life- i'm glad for you. I really wish you all the best.
as far as the relationship stuff goes, i think you will know what's right when you encounter it. i for one have never evaluated guys on finances, status or anything like that. for sure there are other attractive, happy, sane women out there who would love to meet someone as dedicated and good hearted as you. i know i don't know you very well, but i get the sense that you are always striving to do better and do what's right, and that is a rare and admirable trait. It is not whether you are good enough for these girls, but are they good enough for YOU?

Quiet in here lately. I've still been seeing the shrink, so maybe on my end it's because I've been venting to him and not to you guys. For a while I was staying sober for a while, would have something set me off with the ex or from work, binge for a couple of days, and get back on the wagon. Of course I could justify it because at least I wasn't drinking every day. He had me stay sober for 3 weeks to gauge how I was emotionally and my anxiety and depression wouldn't be AS bad as when I'd be cycling like that, but I started having pretty severe anxiety attacks after the second week, way after the booze was out of my system. So he put me on prozac this past week. Hopefully I'll be feeling better to a degree in a few weeks, because those attacks are no joke and he won't (understandably) give me xanax or anything like it.

Other life events: The ex who has her maybe 30% of the time has told people she plans on pursuing full custody so she can get back child support and ongoing support, so I talked to an atty and should end up with sole custody if I'm nice about it, full custody if I come out with everything she's done to my daughter.

I'm starting school this fall to become a murse focker, got my grants in line and daycare set up for Q. I'm really excited and motivated to wreck it. My mom said once I start with my clinical side of things (a few yrs from now) she'll move out to help with Q.

I have horrendous anxiety when I talk to girls that I actually like and that I know would be good for me because I feel like I have very little to offer on a financial, status, security, etc level, but know I'm a badass motherer when it comes down to long term important things like me being a dedicated father and partner, my work ethic, how things will be when I'm done school, etc. So I tend to keep finding ones that I'm attracted to but know nothing will come of it and I use them. I realize this kind of behavior is COMPLETELY foreign to addicts, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Congrat caligirl.
And you'll enjoy the book.

Trex..I'm going to pick that book up. Working in a psychiatric unit, I see so many youth with what the doctors call "mental illness" that I have to wonder if the environmental factors make a huge impact. It sounds like a very good read! Congratulations on your 4 years. I just had mine this weekend. I remember when 4 hours or 4 days seemed impossible!

Hey gang,
Sorry I haven't been around much. Can't access this from work.
Currently I'm on the other side of the world, but will try to post.

trex,
Congrats on the 4th yr.
I've read that book and heard the author speak at a conference last year.
Great guy and very interesting.

I've been reading this neat book by Gabor Maté called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". It is about addiction in general, his experiences as a doctor in the Hastings area in Vancouver, and how emotions, specifically rooted from childhood trauma and stress, can predispose somebody to addiction. He goes against the medical model of addiction as a disease (genetically caused), and instead suggests epigenetic factors. ie. non genetic factors cause genes to express themselves differently. For example environmental causes.