A New Beginning

Like I said, just because it can't be explained doesn't make it god to me. I really don't have time to get to many meetings since I have Q pretty much full time and work full time. But I can say I'm really anno with the god and higher power bull that gets shoved down my throat and that these heads think I'll never get better unless I believe. It just makes them look like cult members and it's pathetic.

Never seen evidence of Gods love or compassion.... well I'll be. Nev, he's prolly not going t yell doen to you, "Hey, Jnev, It's ME! GOD! I'm fixing to do some wild stuff just for you, THEN you'll know me. Ready? BOOM". He's prolly not going to do that so if your waiting for somethng like that, idk .... it may be a long wait. why not look at something alot more simplistic. Here's one of mine that I personally know in my heart that He exhists and is alive and well. Here it is, there is no reason short of diviine intervention that I'm still here. period, end of story. it's THAT simple for me. I was a dead duck, walking dead, but just haden't found the rifght time or place. I was a very sick person, why I didn't die from alcohol poisoning, suffocated on my own vomit, killed in a car wreck ( had 2 cars totalled), or Liver failure I don't know. any of them could have done it at any time. There's many others, but just that simple fact that I am still here to write you is enough for me.

Hi everyone. Sorry I have been absent, this time if year is crazy.
First, good to see you Rox. I have read some of your posts, the mountain analogy, etc. I would like to add, to climb that mountain, you didn't just look to the highest peak and say, "I'm going there" and POOF you were there. It was one step, then another, then another, and you ended up putting enough "one steps" together to mke it to the top. It NEVER changes for people like us. It get's better some days, but the process is exactly the same every morning, one day-one step, and so on. And so it goes...
In the AA big Book, srirituality is covered, as well as God. It tells us to not get bogged down on it, that it will come to you in time. it is my experience, when someone does desire to stay sober/clean at any cost, it does come around, many different ways, but it does come. it does say that everyone who succeeds in this program, "has a spiritual awakening".

I wish I had more time, it just freakin busy. Trex, Ricco, yall hold it together. JSN, stop drinking the non-beer, that's like snorting a fake line or smoking a fake rock. stop. Make sure you tell the DR every sortid detail, all of it. I'm comomng back to see what progress you have made. B cool

Where's Nef?

love to all.....

The higher power thing is the most difficult for me. To me it takes faith and I really have none in anything like that. I can't fake it until I believe it either, the way some have basically told me to. This is really grim, but the only thing that I could realistically consider to be a higher power is my addiction. I believe in a god as a creator, but that's where it ends for me. I've never seen evidence of any god's love or compassion, just because it can't be explained doesn't make it god.

The shrink I've started seeing uses the cognitive model and that's good for me. The way my mind works it's good to try to kind of retrace my steps so I can try to identify what is making me go down a certain path. I was honest with him about my drinking the other day, frequency, amount I drink when I mess up, etc. The look on his face was basically "FFFFUUUUUUKKKK!" and said we gotta get on this one ASAP. I've been so good at shutting myself down and not sharing anything with anyone, including myself. I hope this therapy doesn't me up worse.

I have spent the week sort of working on Step 1 again. Not that my life is unmanageable in the truest sense of the word but it's been feeling a bit like that. I've been recognizing things that I'm powerless over and making decisions that allow me to take back my own power. The biggest change I've made in how I've handled things, is that I've talked about it. I've shared with others and allowed them to give me feedback and I've benefited because of it. Gained even more perspective. I was so shut down before that I couldn't hear anything anyone said and my go to emotions were either anger or hurt. The last 2 days have felt pretty good. I wrote out a list of things that I need to continue to work on in order to feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

I grew up in a really religious home and I spent a large part of my life rebelling, which is really part of the reason I ended up where I did. I have a huge mental block when it comes to God but I also do miss the spiritual side of things and it's a road block to being a complete person. I want to find a way to have more of that in my life. I do believe in a Higher Power and I need to separate out religion from spirituality. I really struggle with that mentally and I have this instant shut off switch. I worked for about 10 years out on Aboriginal reservations and loved their cultural spirituality so I know I can do it.

I think this is an important part of fully being able to work the steps and moving forward. Have any of you had that issue? or known someone who did? Any thoughts around that??

I am feeling good today-hope everyone else is too

I’m very fortunate because I run an aftercare program for people who just got out of treatment.
Watching their struggles helps me as well as them.
It’s like a giant Step 1 for me. There but for the grace of God.

Great words of wisdom Trex! I appreciate it! Today has felt a little bit better. I dealt with a couple of issues I've been avoiding and it's a huge weight lifted. I'm going to baby step my way out of this rut I've been stuck in.

You're very lovable Roxy All you have to do is look in the mirror and admire the miracle of life.
Self destruction has to come off the table- it's not a viable option anymore. For me, it only was before because I didn't know any better. Now I don't want to quit on myself.

Thanks Trex and Ricco! Ricco...the overthinking part struck home with me. You're so right...keep it simple. Trex...it's funny how some things are always bubbling. I've realized in the last few days that I have to make that effort one day at a time but each and every day or I get complacent and end up back in the negative thought patterns. Which then leads me to wanting to be self destructive. For me, it's the all or nothing thinking, putting that pressure on myself and never feeling quite good enough. Cognitive therapy was great for me because it really helped me with these thought patterns and it's always a wake up call when I find myself back into it full stream.

Congrats on the transformation for spring. That should be fun!! I've decided once this one is done I'm going to take competing off the table for awhile and focus on getting back in balance and having a little fun. I can get obsessive too. I like what you wrote about love. That is definitely something I hope to find some day.