A New Beginning

I still have not found seperation from the collective insanity of the holidays. I think I will be good when I take my extended vacation in NC....I seem to find peace there, even in the winters. The house will be jammed full but I know enough people down there now that I have ways of getting out on my own and finding my quiet place. It's one of the things I appreciate about the barrier islands in the off season. The emptiness is peaceful to me rather than depressing.

Yep. Mine would start at my birthday mid October and roll through New Years. Then exhaustion and out of whack seratonin levels would make me so ED at myself and I'd tone it down. Part of me thinks the devil on my shoulder is trying to make me see things in a negative light so I just go back to taking the easy way out. I mean, things are going very well for me right now and I honestly have no reason to be down. Dwelling on the past or on things I can't change are pointless. I wouldn't mind lifting so hard I feel sick or running so hard I'm afraid I'll fall down the stairs on my way to the locker room, but that'll be back sooner than later. Everything else is really on me. I have plenty of time with my daughter, work is something I don't worry about anymore, I've cut just about every negative person I knew out of my life, and I don't wake up most days still feeling booze on my breath. Once I get this stupid surgery done I'll be back in peak condition fitness wise, and I'll basically be where I want to be for the time being. It's really interesting how we can let day to day things strike a nerve and hit something so deep and make us question who we are or what we're doing. I think it was Monday I ran into a guy I used to party with and he kept asking me if I was at this party or that party, if I knew that so and so went to jail, etc. The people he was talking about are all people that were making good money, 300-600K/ yr and they all lost everything but still rage. He could see I was getting anno talking to him and he said something to the effect that I was always going to be like that and not wanting to hear it won't change me. It stuck in my head, I kept thinking about it hoping he was wrong and it tore me up wondering if everyone thought that. But... If I'm worrying about what those guys are thinking about me, I've made no progress whatsoever. I keep forgetting that I'm literally starting my life over on a number of levels and I'll just shoot myself in the foot if I think I need approval from anyone when I know I'm doing the right thing.

rambled

I understood what you mean jnev. And you about summed up this holiday . It's supposed to be a vacation, a celebration, but instead just ends up stressing you out and leaves you anxious, feeling guilty, and depressed. it's a no win.

Back when i used to drink i would always start a binge at my birthday mid nov, then take it all the way through new years. It was never really planned so to speak, it just happened.

These days it's a fight, to the death, between myself and the forces of my own ignorance. If i allow my mind to identify with the collective insanity of this time of year, i get sucked right in. Otherwise, i make it through.

Nefertiti, yeah I get that. Islands sound nice.

I'm with you crazies. Such a huge part of me wants to leave this place. If something doesn't remind me of being married and having fun, it reminds me of when I was absolutely miserable and was treating myself like . I'd be within my rights to take my daughter with me, but I can't deny her a relationship with her mother, even though I know I'll have to be twice the parent with her mother in the picture. Not sure if that makes sense, but I know what I mean. I used to look forward to the holidays so much, and now I wish they never existed. Instead of my family wanting me to come home to see them, I get guilt tripped about bringing Quinlan home to see them. They don't care that if I don't work I don't get paid. They could visit me, but that never seems to be an option. So if I go home I end up running around like a chicken with its head cut off and guilted into driving all over creation to see people I rarely talk to. My "vacation" ends up making me more stressed than staying here and working.

Trex...when it's purely geographical...no, they don't. But if moving somewhere to the islands allowed me to do more of the things that keep me healthy and happy on a year round basis instead of seasonally, I really think it would be different. There will always be triggers, but where I am right now there isn't always access to the healthy outlets that help me get past the bad moments.

Honestly you have more faith in me than I do. I'm really struggling right now and I'm not seeing light.

No nef, i'm with you. I don't think it's a desire to run, it's a desire to drop all of the bull mental weight and be free. And that's something we should all strive for.

I think during this month the bull mental weight is magnified by the personal and collective emotional highs and lows. Everyone else is on edge and that sets off our own anxieties. And , i don't need any help with that one.

geographical cures don't work. But it is nice to have sunshine, it plays a pretty large part in people's moods i think.
My first instinct is to run too. i was a runaway literally from 14-16, and then just ran away internally from then on. it's hard to accept the life flings our way. I know you are strong enough to deal with it nefertiti. there will always be triggers, but you don't have to let them you up.

I hate the holidays. Everything tends to fall to this time of year, one way or another. Either I relapse, or I drink too much, or I do some other thing to numb my way through this month. I'm seriously considering renting my condo, renting my house I just closed on, hiring someone to manage the properties, and relocating to a random island. I hate the winter, the lack of sun, the lack of diving. I know it seems like running but how nice would it be to be able to remove myself from like...90% of my triggers?

i know the feeling. stay strong..