A New Beginning

I had the most insane night of my life.

One thing I realized is when I don't have control of my life, I completely lose it. I almost lost it tonight and called my mom and she asked, "What do you usually do when you find yourself in situations you can't control?" And I wailed back at her, "I'm never IN those situations!"

This might sound crazy, but sitting in traffic tonight nearly made me have a mental breakdown. It took me two and a half hours to go four miles. I stared at lights cycling over and over while I didn't move. Every street I turned down was the same thing. Sit for ten minutes, move ten feet. I felt trapped. I started hyperventilating. I was slamming my feet against the floor of my car, punching my steering wheel, gripping my hands into such tight fists that I cut myself on my nails. I called my parents in hysterics, trying to get them to keep me from intentionally rear ending someone. It sounds stupid but you can't imagine what it was like to just sit there, especially when I had a class to teach tonight. I have OCD about being late, plus I'm claustrophobic. It was a perfect storm for my to go into hysterical crying and self injury. As it is I've been cooped up all week and that alone slightly drove me nuts. To be sitting there, unmoving, watching people gridlock intersections, seeing that green light and not going anywhere, cycle after cycle...it was torture.

But more than anything, it was that I was in a situation I couldn't change. That helpless feeling drove me crazy more than anything.

Bed time....just needed to share that thought.

Yeah I think it's the time of year. Hibernation time.
BBR100 coming up on a year, that's great!! Yeah, I know I'm not doing myself any favours by not going. On a bright note I'll have 3 years in May. Am i coasting? yesssssss.
jnevin- hang in there, everyone is a work in progress, don't beat yourself up. You're inspiring me right now with your determination. every day an alcoholic or addict goes without a drink or drug is a miracle!

Well I've medicated myself more nights than I haven't in the last two weeks. Last night and tonight I haven't, but I just feel anxiety and borderline rage over what I'm assuming is detox and work stress. I lost a significant amount of business this month because of things I can't control (I know, strength to accept it, dammit) and a number of other things have just been ty. I drank once and it just snowballed from there. I've gone to two meetings per day for the last two days and it's helped. I plan to keep it up until this god edge goes away and I plan to hit meetings more since I've slacked on them.

I just let my guard down and honestly saw it coming and didn't do what I had to to keep myself sober. I can tell you this much... Two days feeling on edge but not hung over and ed at myself beats the hell out of multiple days of shame, feeling ty, and self loathing for what I kind of forced myself to do for a couple of weeks.

I've been feeling down too lately and a lot of people i've talked to recently have been feeling the same. I just haven't had energy, don't feel like going to the gym and mostly just want to chill. I can't seem to put my finger on what exactly it is that's going on with me. Maybe it's just February. I don't know. Just trying to keep working on things and keep going in the right direction. It'll pass.

I've done very poorly the past couple of weeks. I really don't want to talk about it now, but I'm just in a horrible funk and can't seem to get out of it. I just feel tired of everything all the time and it's maddening.

A few months with no meetings, eh? Only you know if you're playing with fire. All I know is that I had 6 mths clean and stopped going to meetings. I listened to friends who told me I wasn't really alcoholic and had a couple of drinks New Year's eve (2008/9). I was good and waited a couple more weeks before a couple beers with friends. Still "in control". Eventually I ended up getting drunk, drinking alone and waking up hungover depressed and disappointed in myself.
March 6th will be my first anniversary without any slips. I'm lousy with dates. The only reason I know the date is from reading one of my posts in here.
I have a home group now and get to that meeting every week.
I've said no to sharing a few times and have yet to do the steps.

I'm posting here a lot lately....
Ummmmm, so i was in a supplement store on the weekend, and at the cash there are these ephedrine hcl 8mg pills. The thing is, they sta in my head for the next two days, I'm googling them, and doing searches, and wondering if they'd be OK to take, and how much, and whatnot, basically just obsessing.
Honestly though, I probably just wanted to see if they gave me a rush.
Anyway, I told my bf and he set me straight.
I can't take stimulants at all, and that's the way it's going to be!

So I haven't been to a meeting in a while. I got a phone call from an AA buddy asking me to fill in and talk last minute. I actually said NO and got to talking-told him I hadn't been to a meeting in a while (a few months)- he was horrified. Playing with fire? Maybe. Consciously putting off my amends? Partly.

sober1, I can relate- I was "diagnosed" with ADD when I was 14, and prescribed Ritalin, but never took it. I never really thought I was ADD though, but the stimulants did help me feel "in control", so I have no idea.
In my last treatment the psychiatrist thought I was too.
My brain moves quickly, but I have found that I can focus if I create a good environment for that. Like an organized workspace. If my place is messy, I feel like everything starts spinning out of control...lol weird

AB-SO-LUTELY Trex. Your exactly right. The last line is a doosey. I resemble that one to a T. I didn't want you to see it either, so came the never ending "parade of masks" that he peom a couple of posts below shows. Also, there probably aren't as many people that would go undiagnosed as I did, but I had what is now called ADD. All I knew was that I had a constant anxiety/ depressed feeling. I also found out that alcohol made it better. Then stimulants could not only get rid of the anxiety, but the "foggy" feeling as well. I felt GOOD. What most people would say was normal. To keep that "normalcy", I drank and did stimulants as much as I could from age 13 on. Of course, with that came all the negatives, and then some. I developed into a full blown alcoholic, drug addicted, shell of a person.
That being said, I would like to believe that some of the money "appropriated" from us in the 800 trillion stimulus package could go to treatment facilities. Most are terribly underfunded and get "lesser than" LCDC licensed professionals. Proper councilling, and diagnosises could go a long way to help fight addictions.
Thanks for [posting in the group. We really need more of EF that has a story to come join us. I appreciate your taking the time to be here.