A New Beginning

Yeah, I changed my mind, I'm not going to go there. I've made it this far.

I have a doctor's appt coming up, and I am finally going to seek help for ADD- I was diagnosed when I was about 14, again when I was in university, and again when I was in treatment. I wanted to try unmedicated but am thinking about finally trying it. I am having a lot of attention issues, and it is not getting better. My listening skills have never been great, and I'm getting tired of not being able to pay attention and getting called out for it. It's like a big heavy cone of silence comes over me and I daydream while other people are talking. That is my biggest concern right now- that and the fact i can't seem to get around to actually working when I am at work. I don't know what she will prescribe me, but i have been prescribed Ritalin before, so i would assume something like that.

Thanks
It's funny that you say rooms or real world- so true eh?

Congratulations Trex74!
My date is March 6th and I only took my Cake this past Monday. It wasn't for me as much as it was for everyone who helped me get there.
Stay feeling great! Whether it's here, in rooms or real world I'm sure you'll continue helping people.
Lots of happiness and serenity to you.

AAAAAAAAH summer is finally here and I am feeling great these days. I recently celebrated 4 years on may 27th. I actually forgot until I got a text from a friend saying congratulations.

So hows everyone doing?
I'm great, same old same old, nothing new.
Long Weekend!

When I went to the shrink yesterday he pretty much said what you did trex. I just started rattling things off that I feel like I need to do and my hands started shaking, I started sweating, and when I'd try to breathe my chest was even trembling. It was like when you'd have a crying fit as a kid and would be trying to catch your breath from wailing. He just wants me to pick 2 things to work on each week and to get them knocked out. This week it's hit 4 meetings and get my aptitude exam taken care for school. I just keep letting myself get so god overwhelmed when I think about everything that needs to be done along with my daily responsibilities as a full time dad and I suffocate myself. I feel like it all needs to get knocked out at once instead of doing it one thing at a time. He also wants me to find a sponsor. Hopefully I can find an agnostic one that won't shove the god down my throat.

nefertiti, glad you're enjoying the outpatient. You kind of answered your own thoughts about this guy- yes awareness can help you not get kicked out of the treatment GENERALLY speaking it is really a bad idea to get together with guys at treatment, especially when it is two people new to recovery- for various reasons the most important being that is 100 % against the rules. That being said, I actually met my husband while we were in treatment- separate treatment centres though, but we met at a meeting. Everyone told us not to get together, and we just didn't take their (well-meaning) advice. It's been almost 4 years since we met and I have no regrets whatsoever. You didn't say that you like him though, so I guess it is a non-issue.
Hopefully your problem is stress, glad your mom will be around to help you figure that one out.
jnevin:
No one is perfect, and no one does all the right things. Don't try to fix too much too soon. Just baby steps each day are all it takes- one day at a time. I too can be a cold person and cut people out of my life if i suspect they are getting too close- i dunno that's just the way I am, but i know I am more likeable when i show some vulnerability. I don't need to put on a show and act perfect all the time- god I hate people like me when they do that. Truth is I am a giant loser dork just like everybody else, but i know one thing-I am going to wake up each day and try hard to be honest with myself and the people around me, to put some effort into something productive, and to keep my health with good decisions. That way I am less likely to be anxious and unhappy in the long run if I make some daily decisions about what I can and what i cannot control.
I wouldn't waste your time wondering why you were born and wishing you hadn't been, you're here now so you may as well make the best of it.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

So....I'm really enjoying outpatient....but I have a situation. There's a guy in my generic addictions group who made a move last night. He seems like a nice enough guy and outwardly his offer to bring me along in some sober outings was harmless, but I know ed well when a guy is into me, and this guy had a little sparkle in his eyes when he talked to me. ed if I know why, I've let it all hang out in that group and I have not kept one thing private. The fact that it's a coed group has forced me to challenge that "I have to be perfect for guys" mask that backs me into corners so I've made a point to be bare and frank about my craziness, my depression, my self loathing thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self destructive background, etc. Either his intentions are meant to be honest and he's just physically attracted, or he's one of those "I have to save this girl from herself" types. Either way, I'm feeling a massive boundary getting pushed and nudged. Getting involved with someone at my outpatient is 100% against the rules and it's exactly the kind of self destructive thing I might have done in the past to up my recovery. I'm hoping awareness can be a first step in avoiding it, as well as talking about it with my individual counselor in a setting that won't get him in trouble.

Body's still not working correctly....talked to my mom about it and she said without other symptoms (like pain) it's most likely a stress thing. I find it pretty alarming that I'm that stressed out right now, but I'm going to give it another month before I do the doctor thing (the side benefit of waiting is my mom will be down here at that time to go with me and keep me from freaking out).

So between my meetings with the shrink and my mom visiting this week I'm really realizing how much of a wreck I've become. Anyone I let into my life I make sure I sever the relationship, anything I do well I downplay to the point that I don't do it as well, I literally do NOTHING for myself, and if I try to I find a way to guilt myself into believing I don't deserve it and I don't enjoy it in the least, and aside from working out, I don't do a single positive thing for myself. My mom was crying as she went over some of this, and the anxiety I deal with on a daily basis makes me afraid to even know how to go about fixing it. After we talked i went to take a shower and had to turn it to ice cold to stop trembling and snap out of it.

Everyone tells me to do things for the sake of my daughter. Sometimes I wish I had never been born for the sake of her. And yeah, I get the whole that'd never happen thing.