A New Beginning

hey guys. Not doing well at all right now. If you believe in a big man upstairs, prayers would be appreciated.

jamaica was fantastico i expect?

Happy New Year gang.
Hope everyone had a great and SOBER holidays.

Happy New Year gang.
Hope everyone had a great and SOBER holidays.

It gets better, jnevin, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow.
If you stew in all your troubles it is what we AA people like to call having a pity party.
Today is a new day.

Last night was incredibly lonely for me. I worked until around 1:00 and pretty much left after last call (1:00 here in UT). My daughter was being watched by my friend across town and I didn't get her until this morning. I just sat here kind of stewing in everything that's gone wrong in the last couple of yearswondering how everything could have gone to hell at once. I've noticed such a huge difference in myself for the worse. I have anxiety almost constantly, my confidence is gone, it's a huge c for me to get out of bed, I don't enjoy anything anymore, and my body constantly aches like I'm getting sick.

One thing I don't have to worry about anymore... I got the ex to stop having married guy around Quinlan at all until his divorce is finalized. I had to get pretty rough about it and really didn't like who I was when I did it, but it's done. When I picked her up after work the other night I asked if he had been around Q because she knows his name and if he's not around her there's no reason she should know it. She said her relationship is none of my business and I said she's correct until the relationship involves Quinlan. She told me to off and she'd just go for full custody. I laughed in her face and asked how she thought she'd pull that one off. Her reply "well, I'm her mom." I didn't tell her I've been logging how much time I have with Quinlan, her irrational behavior when she's with her, what she has her around, etc. Thing is it put me into a rage. I told her just for saying that I was going to be Josh's (douche) wife's best friend through the divorce. I'd give her all the info she needed about them, how often he was there, things they've done together, money he's spent on her, etc. That I'd help her drag it out until he was broke, and that he'd be lucky to have supervised visits once a monthn for a time after their divorce was final. That he'd wish he was dead and if he wanted to get physical with me he'd never be the same. So she promised he'd never be around Q again until they split, which basically means ever statistically factoring in rebound relationships.

My favorite part: She claims they're madly in love after 2 months. Whatever, that's fine. I always thought love was putting someone else's interests before yours because you genuinely want them to be happy. Part of it at least. When I unloaded all of that on her she panicked and asked why I was doing that to her and that if he was too stressed about his divorce he could push her away and she'd be alone again. I just shook my head cursing myself for wasting 12 years of my life with someone like that.

I'm doing pretty much OK. I have a mild obsession with my husband's sleeping pills though. I have already talked about it, and let him him know, and have no intentions of ever taking them, but the fact they are in the house and in use every night has touched my brain a bit. And not in the "Oh I might need one to sleep" way. In the "What would four or five feel like" way. I thought I was beyond temptation, but I guess not. I can recognize the fact that my addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and I have to be aware that now more than ever I need my program and my HP to help me through this new twist.

How's everyone doing?
I slipped two years ago on new year's eve. Seemed like a good excuse to have "one". It only ended up being three so I believed that I could actually drink like a normal person. Two months later, I was back drinking alone and waking up with a hangover. Never want that to happen again.

I wish you all a healthy, peaceful and sober new year!

I will do that.
And I will be thinking of all my sober friends.

Yup. Alkathon!!!!!!! Great way to fill up the day in a sober fashion.
Merry christmas/happy holidays everyone!
Ricco, enjoy Jamaica!!!!!!