A New Beginning

Things are happening on the forum. I've been away quite a bit and not always able to post.
T & J, you and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers.

And no more thoughts of pills.

I am feeling happy right now because my husband got transferred to the Coronary Care Unit of the Heart Institute, and this means that he is in really good hands instead of just another patient at the hospital. Thank God for health care too...
I am really encouraged by this development.
It's his birthday tomorrow, which sucks, but I am glad that he gets a birthday at all. I was so worried he was going to die right away. I don't want to have got married and then become a widow in a year's timeframe. We found out his heart is working at 16 %, which is not so good. But now there are other people helping, which we needed.
He is going to have so much more support- a dietician, respiratory therapy, social worker, cardiologist, and RN.
I can sleep well tonight at last I think

I'm feeling better today. Hubby still in the hospital, but he says he's feeling a bit better. They're supposed to liase with his cardiologist today too, so while they figure out what the eff is going on and why the kidney failure happened, I can kinda try to get back on a schedule. I haven't had any more urges to numb out, so that's good. The thing is, i have to be OK no matter what. No matter what happens around me, whether it is a person, place, or thing that distresses me, I have to keep my serenity.

you're too good for prison jnevin, i really wish you all the best in this situation

I'm so sorry to hear this t. I feel like I'm in a huge fight now, but bbr said something that really hit me. I was thinking a slip would only hurt me and make me feel stupid again. What I didn't take into account was a really stupid idea could seem rational and I could end up in prison for making a certain douchebag resemble Stephen Hawking sans the intelligence.

If he dies it will be the fight of my life to stay clean and sober. I just can't think about it right now.

Thanks bbr100, it's rough right now. He now has kidney failure and an enlarged Liver on top of the heart failure. It sucks. I am pretty scared of what will eventually come, I just hope it isn't sooner than later. I am at home alone, and tonight I was so stressed out from being at the hospital and trying to come to terms with his decline that I actually broke down a bit today and started to convince myself that I should take one of his anxiety pills that is still in the bedside table. I had the bottle in my hand. I didn't do it though. It's day by day right now. I have got to keep it together for both of us.

"I feel pretty unstable right now and slipping up and drinking feels mild compared to what I feel capable of right now"
jnev, unstable sober is a hell of a lot better than drunk. Chances are you'll act on those feelings if you start. Don't pick up bro and try to stay close to the program and people you can talk with. I was gonna say there's no way she'll be able to take Q from you but, you drink, do something stupid and that all changes. You'll be dealing with the ex for many years to come. Accept what you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know the difference.
Hang in there no matter how dark it gets and be open to faith.

Prayers goin out to You too T! I see you're going through a tough time again.

Be strong, you can do this one day at a time jnevin. don't give up.
i didn't get a job i wanted either becuse my security clearance is taking a long time to go through because my lawyer never actually aplied for my file destruction in time for any fingerprint evidence to be destro. so i have to wait for the file destruction to happen before i can get that good job that i am apparently able to get, except for that one thing.
slipping up and drinking, mild? maybe you haven't lost everything yet, that is true. if you drink and do something that gets you in trouble, you can kiss goodbye any chance of getting full custody. or get put in jail, or get put in a mental hospital, or whatever your worst fear is. it will happen if you drink, trust me. alcoholics only go down when they drink.