A New Beginning

Cindy, the best place to start is at the beginning. I found that putting pen to paper and writing down a little life history was very helpful. Anything you think is important can be put in. This is kind of what we do at AA when we speak at meetings and share our experience, strength and hope.
Of course you don't have to share it all here. You may gain some perspective from just reading it yourself.
For example:
First memories
Memorable (either good or bad) childhood experiences
Family structure- how you get along within your family
What role do you play- the good girl, the rebel, the caretaker, the black sheep, the perfectionist etc etc
Family history of dysfunction, if any (i.e. alcoholism, drug use, abuse, incest etc.)
Unspoken family "rules"
Any trauma experienced as a young person or adult
Deaths in the family, if they affected you
Problems at school, if any
Important friendships
Losses of anything important to you
How your drinking or drug use started
Any consequences from drinking/drugs

The important thing is to be honest with yourself, there is a saying "Secrets keep you sick". Once you acknowledge the wreckage of your past, you can think about whether or not you qualify as an alcoholic, or if you have a drinking problem.

I did another assessment at the U this morning. This one is with final year resident shrinks that focus more on therapy instead of meds, but they have the ability to prescribe if needed. Doc said I qualify and they could get me rolling very soon. Some of the questions he was asking really struck a nerve with me. I forgot how many things I had just either drank to the back of my mind or buried with work. I'm really looking forward to it but am afraid at the same time what could be dug up. Like somehow it'll make me into a HUGE mess before I get better. Eyes on the prize Nev...

Hi Cindy, thanks for coming. We need you to be here, it's hard to explain and I won't go into it right now, but we do, thanks for coming. If you would, define "All". as in I can't do it all. I know what MY all was, trying to make everyone else happy and keep a job. I was the one who was expected to make everything OK for whomever, either by money or by me always being happy, the one to lean on. Little by little, I was the one who was crying inside, I was the one who needed "bailing out" :-) and I was just gojng insane trying to keep it all together. It reminded me of the ol' innertube w/ a bubble, you press it in here and it bulges over there, you press there and it's somewhere else. Insanity, that's what it was...

Nef, I'm keeping the faith that god can and will do the right thing for you. Your in my thoughs and prayers... huggs all round.

Trex, I've shifted focus to a smaller facility called Selah house. I got turned off by Remuda, felt like a car dealership. They approved me for treatment, but for one week of inpatient followed by a month of residential care. One week? As terrifying as being cut off and controlled for any length of time is, if I'm doing inpatient, that's exactly what I'm doing it for. One week would be a throwaway to the tune of $1500/day. that. I'd rather pay more and actually get the care I need.

Cindy....start wherever. We are here for you 100% and we've all been there in one form or another. And yes, nothing leaves here. Anything shared here that ends up on the boards results in banning. Consider this a safe place.

No problem. Nothing leaves here. I don't know where to start...my life oun the outside is functioning but its really a mess. Im starting to crack...I can't do it all...

I really hope you get in nefertiti, i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you

Just did the phone assessment, and she said she would talk to her boss about a payment plan....making steps. This might happen.

Welcome cindy lou, this is agreat place to just say whatever

Hear, hear Nothing leaves here.

Hi BACK CL! glad you stopped by. I was wondering if you would. First, I'd like to say that we want to help you if we can. Second, by you just being here and giving us something to talk about helps US trememdously. Feel free to just have mental trashdump here if you want, ask specific questions, or just sit and listen. I perfer that you tell us the basics of what your feeling/ thinking. that gets us started. Again, we TRUELY happy that your here.

The only hard, fast rule that we have is: Who you see here, what you hear here, let it STAY here. Nothing leaves this room.