A New Beginning

So my abusive ex called me at work today. Meaning somehow, even though I am not listed on the website for exactly this reason, he found me again. I just about lost it. No, that's a lie, I did lose it. I started hysterically crying as soon as I heard his voice asking for me (I hung up on him, he attempted to call back, I told my coworkers not to answer). I could not be consoled for at least half an hour. It was like getting hit over the head with the most intense combination of emotions - pain, fury, hate, fear. My father called him a "devourer" because of his constant need to seek me out and take something from me. It's been 8 years that he has pla some part in my life, whether I was dating him or trying to hide from him. I don't know what to do to get him to leave me alone. He hasn't made any kind of threat that I could use against him in a legal sense. He's absolutely lethal (it sounds corny, but it's true....I've seen him lay a guy out with one hit) with a terrifying temper, so I'm not going to send some guy to beat him up (plenty have offered), I've straight up begged him to let me live my live....yet it doesn't end. It's been almost exactly a year since the last time he found a way to reach me, I'm surprised he held out this long. This is the last thing I need. I want to pick up and move again....I'm not far enough away.

I should note here that he never actually hit me...but it was probably headed that direction. A few months before I finally left he had escalated to the point of punching a hole in the wall beside my head. So I don't feel like my life is actually in danger. But he still has the capability of setting off an uncontrollable tail spin, especially with me being at a vulnerable place right now, and some sort of sick obsession with me having any sort of life that isn't in his control.

my life.

So talking to that counsellor was nice...I made an appt for next week too. He gave me a bunch of stuff on assertiveness training, like a personal bill of rights kind of thing. I am a bit wishy washy when it comes to confrontations, so i think that will be helpful.
I have decided to go back to school to continue learning french- i am not as bilingual as i need to be (need to be fluent in grammar etc) to pursue my ambitions of editing/proofreading, so I guess this is a much-needed step. Oh, conjugation, here I come. mrs. vandertamp lol. so I will be researching various schools tonight and signing up asap. I have been stuck in a rut, job wise for some time, and it's time to try to fulfill myself a little more in terms of doing what I like to do. May as well put that degree to use too.

bbr100,

thanks for the encouraging "k" message, and congrats to you

Congratulation bbr100!!!!! That's great, I am happy for you
nefertiti, I'm glad to hear you are doing this intensive outpatient. Best wishes for all that, just take it one day at a time...
I am starting counselling tonight, and I am a bit nervous actually...anyway it could be helpful, ya never know!!

March 6th was two years. Kinda hard to believe. Life seems to be going by so fast. I'm just happy I'm more involved in it. Good and bad.

Update: no inpatient for now...but entering intensive outpatient.

One more thing, I finally got called for counselling- I was on a waiting list for a while...I start next Tuesday. I think it will be interesting to get a new perspective on how i can develop better coping skills, and maybe even see things in a new light.
Thanks bbr100, I am cautiously optimistic- lol

I am so happy for you trex. You really do deserve it. What you got is priceless!

well, I got a new job today- it pays more, and has more benefits. Lucky me!!!
Also, I truly respect the people I will be working with, which is a bonus too. I think things may be looking up this spring...
It's all God's grace, I don't know what I have to done to merit this life, but i am so grateful today.
I don't have much, but I love everything that I've got.

The promises have mostly come true for me, and I do remember thinking that they were so unattainable.
still kind of waiting for self seeking to slip away though-LOL.